'Tis the season to be thankful and giving. I've been in somewhat of a personal rut for a few months now (has it reflected in my lack of posts much?). I'm finding things/people/experiences from my past are harder to let go of than I ever thought they would be. I find myself missing a huge part of myself that literally died 5 years ago. Has it really been 5 years? Will I ever feel that at peace again? Its caused me to have a few sleepless nights (like tonight) and dreams that leave me all shook up and anxiety ridden for the better part of my mornings. Why? I don't understand it myself. You should never let your past hold you back from moving forward, right? Boy, I sure am trying. I have had nothing but good fortune, blessed opportunities, and amazing people in my life for the last 3 1/2 years. I don't always feel this way and knowing that, I feel I should take these feelings and really see them though. Let them run their course and make peace with a part of me that may never resurface.
Now, I am thankful for my mother who unknowingly showed me how to stay strong in even the most scary and uncertain times in life. For molding me into an independent strong willed, motivated and determined woman. My father, who taught me discipline and the power of saving your pennies. Literally. My grandmother, for introducing me to R rated movies at far too young of an age. Little did I know I was learning a lot about myself while eating her delicious french toast with 'Total Recall' or 'Misery' in the background. "You're a good kid Steph. Take care of number one. Always." I think about her saying this to me at least once everyday. My younger brothers, for helping me enjoy my childhood even when I was happy/willingly forced to grow up and help take care of them. For my ex boyfriend and his family. You all showed me how to lighten up and enjoy a crude joke every once in a while. For emotionally supporting me through my first couple years of college and pushing me to be the best Stephanie I could possibly be. At such a pivotal point in my life you showed me I didn't need to be perfect in order to be loved completely and in turn, I have learned to love others unconditionally and to love myself. But most of all, I don't know how to thank you enough for giving me a glimpse of what its like to be part of a family. As I've entered into a new chapter of my life, I have a new family now. And I love them more than ever. Even though we are 800 miles away, I have no idea what I would do in this world with out my boyfriends mother Linda. I feel we are truly kindred spirits. I instantly felt a connection to her despite my efforts to stay unattached to another wonderful lady. I remember the day I decided to let go of my past and allow myself to whole heartedly open up to the wonderful idea of having another mother in my life. I've never had someone make me feel more loved and cared for as she has. Whenever we fly home to SLC I feel like the happiest kid alive, safely tucked into a cozy house with people I love. Its the best feeling in the world. Last but most certainly not least, Ryan. How do I find words strong enough to describe how much this man has positively impacted my life? He came into my world after I had gone through my hardest life experiences to date. My grandmother passed away from cancer, I was rediscovering myself after losing my ex's family, I had experienced horrible and traumatic dating situations, I was struggling with my degree and career path, and essentially I was a seriously broken 22 year old. Then out of the blue one day I decided to go on a date with someone I had never met or known in person. I thank myself and Ryan every single day for taking that step and doing something we normally never would have. I truly think we were meant to find each other the way we did. On our own. I was poor, living with my aunt and uncle, and seriously lacking ambition when Ryan and I met. It had only been slightly over a month since my grandmothers passing and I was trying to find my place in the world again after almost 2 years of taking care of her. In my first few conversations with Ryan I could tell how smart, passionate, driven, and hard working he was. I admired that greatly. Either I'm my own worst critic or I have no idea what he saw in 22 year old me. I still remember our first two dates like they were yesterday. There were plenty of instances where I thought we would fizzle out or he wasn't that into me. Turns out he was just as apprehensive to fall in love again as I was. I truly believe I am the woman I am today because of him. He has shown me how to take my talents/skills and make them the best they can possibly be. He promotes me to be better every single day whether he realizes it or not. My career is blossoming today because I have him by my side showing me how to take what I love and be the best at it. It takes a lot of hard work but when I come home at night to him, its all more than worth it. We've molded this beautiful, fun, and inspiring life together and I am living a life I never thought I was good enough or worthy enough to live. We support and encourage each other. We take care of each other and listen to each others needs. We have fun together and we laugh often. We fall asleep holding hands. What more could I really ask for? I am so thankful for him. Ryan has truly opened my eyes and my heart to take every opportunity this world has to offer. That is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.Pheew. For those of you who were able to get through that, congrats. Now, onto some serious fashion. As I plan to save up some money and help those who are in need this season instead of spending on myself, these are the items that will be sitting in my 'shopping cart' online.
Zara studded heels / Zara boots / Zara messenger bag / Zara leather clutch purse / Zara studded jewelry
H&M oversized cashmere sweater, $125 / H&M long sweater, $32 / H&M chiffon blouse, $24 / H&M studded leather jacket, $160 / H&M , $56 / H&M wedge shoes, $95 / H&M stiletto heels, $48 / H&M , $7.93 / Puchowy płaszcz - od H&M
J.Crew silk blouse / J.Crew j crew / J.Crew high heel pumps / J.Crew satchel bag / J.Crew bangle bracelet
