Some moments are so easy for me to write about.Others that are still so green in my heartnot so much.This one has taken me over six weeks to live with and mull over.
Actually that's not true.This one was so bigeven I had to file it awayuntil I felt not only was my heart safe with itbut I could share.
That I could sort out the moments of the afternoon succinctly from
the past or the future.
It began like a regular recent day.Me making breakfast for my youngest son who is in collegeand works a shift at Ups that starts at 3:00 in the morning.He had recently been in contact with my estranged older son.
Text messages about an abandoned dog were coming in from him.
My younger son has always wanted a dog.I have always had a big fear of dogs.One of those old mental tapes that I haven't updated since I was a five year oldbitten by a dog.
I knew hopes of adopting this dog were going to be introduced.I stood firm with my no.But I understood my youngest's desire to go look."But your'e not bringing him home"floated in the air before bye, Love you followed him to his car.
Those of you who follow my blogknow of my intense heartache over my older son's decision to estrange himself from our family.I have written several times of my anguish.So I have been ever so relieved recently at the reengagement of the brothers.
On my way out to buy a birthday present for my daughter's fiancéI got a call form the youngerabout how wonderful the large dog really was.I had been expecting that.But what I wasn't at all prepared for was that the elder sonwas wiling to help bring the dog home.
I remember going almost numb at the idea.Something I had dreamt of for almost a year and a half.I was afraid to breathethat maybe this was a dream.
Nothing like getting over a lifetime of dog fearswith the to good too be true promise of seeing an estranged child.I calmly said that was fine.I was going to run errandsso I would't be home when they arrivedbut they were more than welcome to make themselves at homedog included until my return.
It was such a strange feelingbeing so close to getting something I had prayed so hard for almost two yearsand still going about my tasks.
I think it was disbelief it could really be happeningthat I was going to be able to see a son whose absence from my lifehad been almost as hard as the death of my sister.I felt that afternoonthat everything I did had to be in order.As if I skipped something from my all ready to do listI would jinx what could be.
I went into hostess mode and stopped for snacks on my way home.
I even wondered if I could handle the seeing him properly.When relationships have been that strainedI was so fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing.I even thought of having a good friend come overas my husband was out of town.
But I decided to trust my intention of loveand just go in.
Walking inthere my son was
in the backyard he grew up in.It seem so normal and surreal all in the same moment.I looked to the left and saw one of the largest dogs I have ever seen in my life,
A great big pit bull.
A dog that imbued all of my dog fears to the nth degree.
But I had absolutely no fear.All I saw was an animal that had gotten my son home.I saw what was to me a miracle dog.
Pleasantries were exchanged
I felt afraid to breath.Afraid if I didthe moment would disappear.
I had a feeling for the first time in my lifethat I just wanted to slow down time.Even make it stop for a few moments if I could.A feeling of utter contentednessat just being in the moment.I don't know if ever in my life I have ever been so present.
I was just so very happy to see my son.That he was actually here.
The pit bull had given my son an opportunity to come home.Given us all something else to focus on.An ability to be in the momentwithout the bearing the whole weight of two Christmas's he had missed with us.We were just here now.Marveling at the glorious creature playing in our backyard.
Together.
During my son's visit I was able to hug him so tight for so long.I was able to tell himhis being there was answered prayers.
I got to tell him I was proud of his ability to be on his own.I was able to let him know how very much I loved him.He was right there with me.I got to let him know all the love that was in my heart.I got to sit next to him on our couch.
I was even euphoric enough to make plans for his return to visit Chopthe name my boys gave to what I will always think of as the miracle dog.
Most of me knew at the timethe likely hood of us being able to keep such dog was a stretch.But I didn't want reality to spoil moments that I had dreamt of.I just wanted the momentsandif even brieflythe promiseand the dream of our family being reunited once again.I wanted the nowandI wanted the future.I could feel the yearning in my soulfor a happily ever after.I wanted the past situations to be erasedI wanted the perfect storybook ending I wanted …I could feel myself wanting so much.I could feel myself leaving the present in wanting moreand more.And as I felt this happening …I could feel my son closing down.I knew my wanting more of himwere shutting downthe moments of authentic love in the now.As I said goodbye that nightI knew if would be a long while until I saw him again.
But I kept a pit bull in our house for five daysin a desperate hope of the heart that I could make it workto be able to hold ono the only tie I had to a son I loved desperately.
In the end reality prevailedthe dog had to move on to new permanent ownersbut along the way I fell in love with Chopand finally I understood what I never had beforethat when a dog comes into your heartit's a real love.
I haven't seen my oldest son since that afternoon.
But six week later I know that our time togetherwas an authentic exchange of love.Things might not to be where I would want them to bebut nobody can take awaythe timethat a pit bull brought my boy backif only for an afternoon.
And I knowthat miracles really do happen.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joy
as you style your life
