Today a brave mom speaks out of being the child stuck in the middle of domestic violence. This is an anonymous guest post.
She met him at work, he was dark haired and hairy and made her stomach flip. She was so excited!
She brought him to meet me and my two brothers and it was ok. There was no instant like or dislike. For months she was happy, he was good to us, and it seemed everyone was happy. Then one day mom wouldnt get up. I thought she was being lazy and had a go at her. She cried. She showed me her arms covered in bruises. I was 14 and furious. She made me keep quiet. Promised it was a one off.
A few days later she began wearing thick jumpers. They hid his temper. I never heard his temper. Never heard her cry out. It was just the jumpers. He started spending more time at the pub. Would come round reeking. Was a mean drunk . Very verbal.
When I was 16 I went to live with my dad. By then she had given birth to my brother and he had taken to strangling her throughout that pregnancy till she passed out. She wouldnt leave him. Time passed and aged 18 i was in a mental ward for suicidal thoughts and attempts. It meant he had free reign on her.
He bent her thumb back so much it snapped. She came to see me in agony. I went a+e with her. He broke her ribs. I went a+e with her. He had strangled her so much she was dizzy all the time. He punched her stomach, in the head, he would throw things at her head. She still wouldnt kick him out.
One day on day release I found out he had got her pregnant and punched and kicked her so she lost it. I went to the pub he was in and poured his pint over his head. He called me a silly girl who didnt know anything so I smashed the glass and threw it at his head. It cut him. He got up to hit me and I stood there and told him he better make it a good one because if I do it he wont get up. I told him I would never be intimidated by him.I told everyone what he did then told him never touch my mom again.
He stopped for a while.
Every time he hurt her I reported it to the police and got it on record incase she ever needed it. She was mad at me but I think secretly relieved.
One day in rehab where i was to help me adjust to normal life again after 10 months in hospital, she came to see me.
She had been at the police station all night.
He had been drunk and in a row he had come at her with a knife, telling her he was gonna kill her and she picked up a screwdriver left from fixing a shelf and stabbed him in the chest with it.
Then she phoned 999 and told them everything.
Luckily for him shes not very good a aim and it wasn’t deep but required hospital care for a few hours. He refused to press charges when the police told him if he did they now had photographic evidence of his temper. She was covered in bruises and had hand marks round her neck. They looked at the 18 odd incidents I logged for her and knew it was self defence. Yes he could press charges but so could they. He backed down.
That single act changed everything. He left our house. I would see him and laugh at him. I told him I wouldn’t let him get away with it, and I didnt. My mom was so grateful I made the reports. My mom took a long time to heal physically and mentally I don’t think she still has. Fifteen years later and ive never forgotten those times. I was always waiting for a call to say he had strangled her too long. I waited for her to die. It seemed inevitable. I was angry she let it happen.
I couldn’t understand it. Then i was in the same situation and I understood and forgave her. My older brother couldn’t deal with it at the time. It was left to me and it contributed to my stay in hospital. I felt like it was my fault, I hadn’t protected my mom. I was so ill with all the thoughts on it.
When I was strong enough I left hospital and left my family. They were all falling apart and I couldnt get better if I stayed.
None of them understood. In doing that they had the choice to pull together or stay as they were, my mom was drinking, my brother was doing drugs and my youngest brother aged 4 was being taken care of by me. I left him behind and my mom stepped up. Became his mom again. I told her if need be I would tell Social Services and it was enough.
My mums never had a partner since. She never will.
She wont trust men and phisically shes never been the same. Her thumb is bent, she lost weight, she still drinks and she has to live knowing she stabbed someone. She has copd now. Time is short and heartbreakingly going by so fast. He ruined her body and phisical health which means shes had no strength to fight this. He wanted to kill her and in effect hes sped up the process . Shes on stage four of five. Mentally he destroyed her. She should be happy now with a kind man. But instead shes facing this illness alone. Shes got us but its not the same.
Me, im a mom now. My kids will never see that from any man. And if my daughter is ever touched by another mans hand I swear ill rip him apart. I failed at protecting my mum, and my mom failed at protecting herself but im glad she stabbed him. Given the chance I would do it for her. I hate him. Always will. I hope one day he suffers like he made my mom suffer.
