This was an article I originally wrote for the Dadz club and Baby Show websites a few years ago. It’s my experience of going through a miscarriage, I hope you find it interesting. Please let me know what you think in the comments below.
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My wife and I had been trying for a baby for a little while, because her cycle was a little messed up so we’d not had much luck.
In September 2009 we found out that she was pregnant, it was a real shock but a very welcome one, we walked around in a bubble for about 2 days, not really believing she was pregnant, 5 tests and a trip to the docs later confirmed we were.
Everything was going fine, she had all the symptoms of early pregnancy and we had our 12 week scan booked.
The wait seemed like forever, but eventually the day arrived. I remember getting out of the car at the hospital and saying to Jo, “today we get to see our baby”
We waited for what seem like hours in the waiting room, surrounded by lots of other couples all looking as excited and nervous as we were.
Eventually we got called in, and the sonographer explained what she’d be doing and looking for.
She applied the gel to Jo’s tummy and started to move the probe around. Nothing.
I really wasn’t sure what we were supposed to be seeing but I couldn’t see anything baby shaped. I could tell from the look on Jo’s face she thought something was wrong.
The sonographer had to do an internal scan. She measured something, it didn’t look like a baby and it didn’t look like the pics I’d seen of other peoples 12 week scans.
“We have a birth sac but your baby isn’t 12 weeks old, is it possible you have got your dates wrong?”
From the measurements she’d just taken our baby was about 6 weeks old. There was no heartbeat.
We had to book another scan for a week’s time, the baby should have grown and we should have a heartbeat.
We both walked out feeling a little numb, but it was entirely possible that we’d got our dates wrong. After possibly the longest week of our lives we went back for the scan.
After another look the sonographer confirmed what we both feared, there was no heartbeat and the baby hadn’t grown.
She confirmed the miscarriage, almost matter of factly
Jo was devastated, I didn’t really know what to do except put my arms round her and give her a hug.
We got taken into a little side room until the doctor came to see us.
Jo was taken into hospital 2 days before Christmas to have what was left of our baby removed.
I felt pretty useless as they took her to theatre, an hour later she was back on the ward and I took her home that night.
Neither of us really knew what to say, Christmas came and went, neither of us were particularly in the mood to celebrate.
I was very upset initially, felt very down and pissed off, why had it happened to us? There are plenty of people who don’t deserve kids, they clearly don’t want them yet they manage to have them why can’t we?
We also found out a few people we knew were pregnant, we’d have been due at the same time as them, for some reason this really hurt, I remember feeling very jealous and angry that they were having a baby and we weren’t and then thinking that was totally irrational but it still really hurt.
At least you know you can get pregnant
If I had a pound for everyone who said that I’d be a rich man. People don’t know what to say, but I know we can get pregnant but we were pregnant and I want the baby we just lost.
What if we don’t get pregnant again? What if we do and have another miscarriage? Why didn’t our baby grow properly? Was it something we did? Is there something wrong with us?
I went through all of these, probably not as much as Jo but I was still angry and upset that we’d lost the baby we had so badly wanted.
I found that within a few weeks I felt that I’d got over the miscarriage while Jo was still really upset. I found it hard to understand how she was still so upset months later, after my initial anger and upset I was almost matter of fact about it, yes it was a shame but I guess it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t anything we’d done and it’s more common than you realise.
It wasn’t until we started talking about trying again that I really felt upset again, I’d told myself that perhaps I didn’t want to be a dad, I was happy with the life that we had and that having a baby would get in the way of what we enjoyed doing and that I didn’t want to give that up, looking back I just put a barrier up, told myself I didn’t want to be a dad and convinced myself that was the case.
I knew how much Jo wanted to be a mum and talking it through made me realise how much I really couldn’t wait to be a dad.
We tried again, Jo got pregnant fairly quickly. The first few weeks were horrible, waiting to get to the 12 week scan, Jo said it ‘felt different’ this time which we took to be a good sign.
The 12 week scan arrived and we got to see our baby, this time everything was fine, to see her moving around was just the most amazing feeling that I can’t really describe properly.
Since the blog was first written, we’re now the proud parents of a 19th month old girl.
We’ve since suffered another miscarriage which I’ll write about soon.
