As a joke, my brother used to hang a
pair of panty hose
over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa
to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings
were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I
decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search
of an inflatable love doll. They don’t
sell those things at Wal-Mart. I
had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an
X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse
yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?”
“You’re kidding
me!” “ Who would buy that?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll
section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love
dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according
to the side of the box, could do
things I’d only seen in a book on
animal husbandry. I settled for “Lovable
Louise.” She was at the
bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of
imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me
in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone.
I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise’s pliant legs and
bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of
milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of
hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to
his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
and bark
some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
panty hose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came
over for the
traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother
noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
“What the hell is that?”
she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”
“Who would play
with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in
mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?”
Granny
continued. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying
to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t
she have any teeth?”
Again, I could have answered, but why would
I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny,
Hang on!”
My grandfather, a
delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said,” Hey,
who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting.
It was then that
we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise
made a
noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell
in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat
screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and
wet
his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and
sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure
and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to
decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered
that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
thigh. Fortunately, thanks
to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several
bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
“Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good Night”.
~Steve~
