If you’ve been paying attention to the latest disease news, you’ve probably already heard that a measles outbreak is sweeping the nation because some infected kid was running around Disneyland spreading his or her germs all throughout the amusement park, providing further proof that Disneyworld in Florida is superior to Disneyland in California.
In Illinois, Cook county reported its first case of the measles this year after spending nearly a decade measles-free. Measles? What the fuck is that? Do you remember when you were a kid and you got vaccinated for measles, mumps (def don’t want the mumps), and rubella (could be a nice baby girl name)? They’re like the Three Stooges of obscure diseases. You probably cried after you got your shots until someone put a lollipop in your mouth. You’ve checked boxes off on new patient forms that contain those words. Measles, mumps, and rubella are all viral diseases that can be, to use medical terminology, pretty damn icky.
And the thing is, we had almost eliminated measles, but then…
The disease was declared all but eradicated in 2000, before a growing anti-vaccine movement gained traction.
Oh.
I don’t consider myself vaccine-obsessed–I’ve never gotten a flu shot–but I will admit I take some pride in the fact I’ll probably never come down with the mumps. When I never got chicken pox as a kid, it was of some small comfort that I could get vaccinated in junior high in an effort to prevent me from getting shingles as an adult.
I can’t imagine why anyone would want to put his or her child at risk for any disease, especially anything called “the mumps,” which sounds like something Oscar the Grouch would warn you about on Sesame Street, but it turns out skipping vaccinations has a lot of interesting perks.
1. You’ll be on Jenny McCarthy’s good side.
Perhaps the most famous anti-vaccine advocate, Jenny McCarthy will definitely be willing to have you and your mumps-ridden offspring over for dinner even when all your friends and family turn their backs on you and judge you for your medically sound parenting decisions. (Oh wait a second, she’s not anti-vaccine. She just believes parents have the right to choose “one poke per visit.”)
2. It builds character.
Kids these days are getting too soft with their iPhone 6s and their LeapFrog LeapPads. As a parent, it’s your duty to teach your kids to be responsible and to appreciate life. What better way to instill those timeless values in your child than putting them at risk for measles, mumps, rubella and other childhood illnesses? It just makes sense.
3. It can help you determine if your child is a superhero.
If by some miracle your child’s immune system is strong enough to fight off all of these childhood diseases and the associated diseases than can arise from contracting them, there’s probably a good chance that you’ve spawned a superhero. If you vaccinate your kids, how will you know how powerful they really are??????
4. You get to call yourself an anti-vaxxer.
Totally worth it to skip those vaccines just for that.
5. Your child won’t suffer (or die) from vaccination-related complications.
There’s no denying that vaccines can have some adverse affects and have resulted in disability and even death. Not that anyone wants their kid to die, but if you had to choose between the possibility of your kid dying from a vaccine or the possibility of death from the actual disease itself, I think it’s pretty obvious that you’d prefer your kid die from the actual disease. This logic isn’t that complicated.
6. You can prove once and for all that measles, mumps, and rubella aren’t that bad.
So your kid misses a few days of school and gets all of his friends sick and becomes a pariah who doesn’t get invited to birthday parties and all the parents are giving you side-eye during PTA meetings–the most important lesson here is that measles, mumps, and rubella aren’t a big deal! It’s just like having a really bad cold with a rash you could have totally avoided!
7. You won’t have to hurt your kids.
Kids seriously hate getting shots, so why put them through all that just to safeguard them from the pOsSiBiLiTy of getting a viral disease? Your son or daughter will love you more for it. (Unless, of course, they get one of those viral diseases. Then they might be a little more critical of your decisions, but always remember that you’re the parent.)
8. Rand Paul says that vaccines cause mental disorders.
“I have heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking normal children who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines,” according to Rand Paul. (Don’t worry about the fact he later clarified what he meant and revealed his own children were immunized.)
