Books Magazine

9 Book Recommendations For People You Hate

By Robert Bruce @robertbruce76

Here’s hoping you don’t really hate anyone.

But let’s assume you have a “strong dislike” for someone in your life. And let’s further assume that this person recently asked you for a book recommendation.

You, the holder of all book-related wisdom, have a decision to make. Do you give them an honest recommendation, or is this your chance for revenge?

If you’d like to give them the old literary screw job, then I’m here to help.

Here are 9 book recommendations for people you hate:

Your annoying mother-in-law who loves light-hearted romances between scantily clad beefcake men and sexually frustrated soccer moms.

Recommendation: Deliverance. Tell her there’s a heated romance scene in the woods that she’ll never forget. She really won’t ever forget it.

Your douche bag brother, the businessman, who is a die-hard capitalist.

Recommendation: The Grapes of Wrath. Tell him it’s a true story based on the Robert Mondavi vineyard in California. Capitalist businessmen love wine. Whatever you do, you must not mention this is a SOCIALIST novel. See if he notices.

Your know-it-all co-worker who “doesn’t have time to read.”

Recommendation: Infinite Jest. Tell him it’s a funny novel about tennis. If he happens to look it up online and questions the length, simply say “Don’t let the page count and the small font fool you. It goes by really fast, like a five set tennis match.”

 Your weepy friend who’s obsessed with all-things-Twilight.

Recommendation: Mrs. Dalloway. Simply say: “It’s short and easy to read, just like Twilight. You can’t read the first page of Mrs. Dalloway without clearly seeing how Stephanie Meyer was HEAVILY influenced by Virginia Woolf. Plus, Mrs. Dalloway is about a party! You’ll love it!”

Your egotistical cousin who always brags about how many books she reads a week.  

Recommendation: A Dance To The Music Of Time. She’s probably never heard of it. Who has other than the guys who picked the books from the Time list? It’s 3,000+ pages and 12 volumes. “You’ll love it, Cousin Sally! I think you could easily read it in a week!”

Your prudish aunt who lectures you about tattoos and piercings at every family get together.

Recommendation: A Clockwork Orange. It’s a heart-warming story about a group of tattoo-free teenagers who take an interest in helping their community. They even have a lovely, inoffensive way of talking to each other.

Your representative/senator in Congress. [Note: This works for politicians of all parties, and in all countries.]

Recommendation: All The King’s Men. This novel is the poster child for corrupt politicians everywhere. If the corrupt politician with questionable moral values in your life hasn’t already read All The King’s Men, it’s time to change that.

Your psychopath ex-girlfriend.

Recommendation: Gone With The Wind. If your annoying ex-girlfriend asks you for help coping with the recent breakup, send Gone With The Wind her way. Attach a note saying, “Read this book. If you ever equal Scarlett O’Hara in craziness, it’ll be an improvement.”

Your psychopath ex-boyfriend.

Recommendation: An American Tragedy. If your annoying ex-boyfriend asks you for help coping with the recent breakup, send An American Tragedy his way. Attach a note saying, “In this book, Clyde Griffiths throws his fiancé overboard on a canoe. You’re lucky we never went on a canoeing trip.”

Once you recommend these books, sit back and enjoy the show.

I’m sure you’ll be hearing from your detestable friend/co-worker/ex-boyfriend soon.

What’s the worst book recommendation you ever received?

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