I don’t know if you realized, but Christmas will be here in two days. Two days, y’all!
Christmas is my favorite holiday by far, and I’m fortunate to be able to hang out with family members I enjoy being around (no, really!). But I know some of you all have some characters who sit next to you at the Christmas dinner table.
So what should you get these annoying humans with your same last name? 101 Books has book recommendations for all your annoying family members–or at least the ones I can reasonably assume are part of your family. Some of these were taken from a post I wrote a couple of years ago…so if they sound familiar that’s why.
Your annoying mother-in-law who loves light-hearted romances between scantily clad beefcake men and sexually frustrated soccer moms.
Recommendation: Deliverance. Tell her there’s a heated romance scene in the woods that she’ll never forget. She really won’t ever forget it.
Your douche bag brother, the businessman, who is a die-hard capitalist.
Recommendation: The Grapes of Wrath. Tell him it’s a true story based on the Robert Mondavi vineyard in California. Capitalist businessmen love wine. Whatever you do, you must not mention this is a SOCIALIST novel. See if he notices.
Your drunk uncle, who reeks of Southern Comfort from a mile away.
Let’s go with Finnegan’s Wake by James Joyce. Joyce’s prose seems like a scholar on a drunken weekend binge, so it only makes sense that a drunk uncle could understand sentences like, ““A way a lone a last a loved a long the riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.”
Your egotistical cousin who always brags about how many books she reads a week.
Recommendation: A Dance To The Music Of Time. She’s probably never heard of it. Who has other than the guys who picked the books from the Time list? It’s 3,000+ pages and 12 volumes. “You’ll love it, Cousin Sally! I think you could easily read it in a week!”
Your prudish aunt who lectures you about tattoos and piercings at every family get together.
Recommendation: A Clockwork Orange. It’s a heart-warming story about a group of tattoo-free teenagers who take an interest in helping their community. They even have a lovely, inoffensive way of talking to each other.
Your racist grandpa.
Might I suggest Donald Trump’s The Art of Survival? Trump’s work really hits home with racists and bigots across the globe!
Your psychopath ex-wife.
Recommendation: Gone With The Wind. If your annoying ex-wife asks you for help coping with the recent breakup, send Gone With The Wind her way. Attach a note saying, “Read this book. If you ever equal Scarlett O’Hara in craziness, it’ll be an improvement.”
Your psychopath ex-husband.
Recommendation: An American Tragedy. If your annoying ex-boyfriend asks you for help coping with the recent breakup, send An American Tragedy his way. Attach a note saying, “In this book, Clyde Griffiths throws his fiancé overboard on a canoe. You’re lucky we never went on a canoeing trip.”
Once you recommend these books, sit back and enjoy the show.
What’s the worst book recommendation you ever received?
