Humor Magazine

7 Ways to Make Everyone on Facebook Hate Your Baby Before It’s Born

By Katie Hoffman @katienotholmes

You just found out that you're pregnant - congratulations are in order! There are probably a lot of things on your mind right now like baby expenses, cheese fries, every sad moment from the movie Up, diapers, tacos, "When We Were Young" by Adele, breastfeeding, hot fudge sundaes, that moment last month when an elderly woman tried to make small talk with you in line at Macy's but you were in a rush and you just weren't in the mood to be social but when you laid in bed that night you just imagined her going home to a big house that's empty save for dusty photos of children and grandchildren who live too far away and don't call as often as they should, maternity clothes, pooping during delivery, and pickles. You're also probably in the early stages of figuring how to be a good - or at least competent - parent. Well, before you start baby proofing your entire existence, we - your friends and followers - have one simple request: please don't make us hate your spawn before its born.

We don't want to hate your baby. At least, not yet. There's plenty of time for your kid to transition from little bundle of joy to little jerk, but until he or she does something truly worthy of our disdain like crying incessantly at the Olive Garden, we want to enjoy him or her. We want to share in your joy during this special time in your life, but please learn from the mistakes of your pregnant predecessors. In the past, some of your peers have ruined their children for us. It's unfortunate, but they left us no choice. From the pregnancy announcement with the little pair of shoes, to 62 photos of the the gender reveal cake, to the never-ending bump updates, we were already sick of their babies before they were even brought into the world. We think you're different though; you're not going to be one of those moms. Even though you already have a lot on your mind, please be mindful that these seven things may result in our untimely abhorrence of your new addition.

1. Providing a detailed description of who your baby looks like based on a grainy ultrasound that could easily be a Photoshopped black and white picture of a pineapple.

Bragging about how your sweet little angel has her grandmother's cheekbones despite not actually having any bones yet puts us on edge. The more obscure the body part, the worse it is. We don't know what to do with the knowledge that your son has his father's elbows. Nothing make us less excited to see your kid outside of the womb quite like publishing bi-weekly portraits of your baby that are about as detailed as a suspect description from a witness that was five blocks away from where the crime happened.

2. Telling the world how big your baby is relative to a food item every week it grows.

Look, we're fully committed to going on this journey with you, from the day baby Aspen was only as big as an edamame bean to her present-day size: a ripe cantaloupe. But aside from contextualizing the baby weight you've gained while simultaneously reminding us of the elementary school library classic, There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly, these posts are awful. We don't want to be hungry for sweet potato pie while skimming a post about your sweet potato-sized baby-it makes us feel like the witch from Hansel and Gretel.

3. Posting baby bump pictures every single day, but failing to clean the toothpaste spittle off of your bathroom mirror.

Please give that mirror a once-over with a paper towel and some Windex, because those white toothpaste droplets are distracting us from your belly's growth. On Day 1, your belly was 300 times the size of the spit stain, but now at Day 30 you're getting close to the 700x mark. Thanks to those distracting spots, we couldn't notice any changes from Day 2 - Day 29.

Also, how is that Neutrogena cleanser working out for you? Does it make your skin dry?

4. Sharing baby name ideas that sound like they must be a joke but are actually real options you're considering bestowing upon a powerless being that's relying on you to be its first advocate in this cruel, unforgiving world.

I know it's tempting to open a Facebook tab to share all your favorite baby names, but have you considered creating a private Word document or writing an email to your significant other and/or family? Though, we're loath to admit it, that forum thread you posted that extols the virtues of flower names was captivating. For future reference, if you read any more of those informative articles like, "Ugly Names from the Early 1820s That Are Making a Comeback" or "Obscure Shakespearean No One Will Ever Pronounce Correctly," maybe just bookmark those for yourself.

5. Allowing your Pregnancy Tracker app to post to your timeline.

Your baby boy still has 23 weeks to go, so we don't really need to know what he's up to in your womb right now. To us, he's still baby goo. We're sure it's amazing for you to know how many ounces he is or how long he is at this stage in his development, but we're totally okay with just getting the final specs when he's born. Right now, we're satisfied with just knowing that the tiny being inside you - that looks like a squishier Mandrake from Harry Potter - is healthy. We don't need to know where his poo is going this week or that his nose started growing nostrils.

6. Spewing pregnancy zen all over the timeline.

In no particular order, here are a few enlightened pregnancy tidbits that we never want to see: that you've only gained six pounds so far and that you can't understand how some women gain so much weight during pregnancy, that you've never been more energetic in your life, that you're not craving anything except raw vegetables and lean proteins, that you've never felt more beautiful or at home in your body, that you wish you could be pregnant for the rest of your life, or that you now feel a kinship with Mother Nature.

7. Divulging your innermost feelings, hopes, and dreams for your new addition on Facebook.

Telling your baby - via public Facebook post - how you can't wait to meet him or her and that you just painted his or her bedroom yesterday is a little confusing for us, because we aren't your baby. We don't even know how to get this information to your baby. Does he or she have a P.O. Box? See, a lot of us aren't moms-to-be, so we get a little distracted by the fact that your little guy or gal can't see that sweet post of yours because he or she doesn't have working eyeballs yet, a Wi-Fi connection, or sentience. Please don't rattle us with this content.

BONUS: If you've been pregnant before, please spare Facebook the gory details of how this pregnancy is "so different" than your previous pregnancy (or pregnancies).

7 Ways to Make Everyone on Facebook Hate Your Baby Before It’s Born

Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. She enjoys leftovers, lunges, and laughs.

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