Shopping on Black Friday can be intimidating what with the long lines that zigzag around the entire store and news reports about people being trampled for Beats by Dr. Dre headphones. With all these confusing sales and too many online promo codes to remember, it can be difficult for the average consumer to figure out where to begin. Where do you need to go? What doorbusters are essential for your survival? To help make sense of the free-for-all that is Black Friday shopping, I’ve put together a list of items you that will make waking up disgustingly early, waiting in line for two and a half hours, and taking off your earrings to fight someone in the store totally worth it.
1. A shitty movie you saw in the theater two years ago that you’d never buy under any other circumstance
It’s only $6!!!! So what if the plot was implausible and the acting was some of the worst you’ve ever seen–it’s normally $29.99! You have to add this to your Blu-ray collection so it can collect dust while you watch the same movie–you know, the one you paid money to have in your home on a shelf–on TV when nothing else is on.
2. A tablet by an obscure brand
STOP EVERYTHING. The 10-inch BullshitFolio is on sale for $49.99! You’ve had your eye on the iPad for several months now, but surely this BullshitFolio that’s a fraction of the cost will have all the same features! How could you go possibly go wrong buying an electronic device from a totally random brand?
3. A Seemingly Bigger and Better TV to replace your existing TV that completely satisfied your every TV watching need until you saw Seemingly Bigger and Better TV was on sale
For all these years you’ve defended your 42-inch TV insisting that size doesn’t matter to you. But for $899 (regular price $1399), maybe 50 inches would make you happier…
4. Speakers
Until you saw it advertised for $157.99, you never knew how empty your life was without an audio bar. You’re still not entirely sure what it is or if you’re capable of hooking it up yourself, but this sale has made you realize you need more sound in your life, and buying a shitload of speakers is the first step.
5. Memory cards
Can you believe a SanDisk 16GB memory card is only $4.99! Only on Black Friday can it be so affordable to find storage that holds 2500 pictures more than your current memory card (which only holds 1000 pictures).
6. A laptop with a hard drive that definitely isn’t big enough for anyone’s needs
For $349.99, give the gift that says, “I couldn’t afford to get you a laptop with a decent processor, so I waited in a tent outside Best Buy to get one of ten tickets that guarantee me an Acer laptop that runs on Windows 98.”
7. Some shitty digital camera that’s actually worse than the camera on every cell phone
The ad claims this $99 digital camera has -3 megapixels and auto-blur functionality! Other features include capturing low-light scenes with no success, giving every living creature red eye, and capturing landscapes with minimal crispness. It may not photograph anything as well as the camera on a smartphone, but it makes a great stocking stuffer!
