We've all heard the phrase, "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" and yet, when it comes to judging others, it seems that a lot of people are tossing an awful lot of thoughtless pebbles. Judgement has become a way of life in our modern lives - so much so that 60% of youngsters feel they cannot be themselves around others, for fear of the judgement hurled their way.
Smriti Goswami is a life and business coach and global facilitator for the Being You self-enhancement program. She understands all too well the hurt and confusion that can come from targeted - and often unfair - judgement. However, she says, there is a way to rise above the fray and learn to shake off judge-y people, and their malicious opinions.
"I could share a lot of stories and personal experiences where I've let others control me with their judgments", Smriti confesses. "In fact, not long ago, I had to deal with some particularly targeted judgement and vilification from someone I had considered my friend. It took me three years to get over it but in that process, I learned all I needed to know about trusting myself and rising above judgement."
Dealing With Judgement
According to Smriti, the most effective way to deal with judgement is to withhold those knee-jerk responses and public denials, and simply maintain a dignified silence. "This is not ever going to be easy - but when you respond to judgement, you end up fuelling the flames. You keep the situation alive," Smriti advises. "It's vital to understand that judging is a way for other people to try and control you into doing things their way; into being a lesser version of yourself. When we shrink or contract ourselves to appease them, or speak up in defiance to drown them out, we are giving them the reaction they are looking for."
"You don't need to explain or justify anything to the people who know you. To the people who care", she adds.
Instead of fuelling the flames of judgement, Smriti suggests asking the following questions that will eventually and effectively help put out the fire:
"What do I stand for?"
Believe in yourself, and know what you stand for. Where are you rejecting yourself; where are you not standing up for yourself? If you are projecting any kind of self-judgement, you will attract it from those around you.
"How can I work around this?"
Instead of getting angry and being triggered, this question opens your mind to other possibilities. Keep calm and move away. Give the judger time; give them space.
"What will it take for them to see my point of view?"
This opens your mind to other ways you can act, speak or behave that will help others see your point of view, without judgement.
"What judgements do I have of this person?"
Judgements directed at you can often be your unconscious judgements of others, mirrored back at you. What is the judger perceiving and reacting to?
"Where am I mirroring that behaviour?"
Other people will often accuse you of what they, themselves are doing. However, it is also true that we are often triggered when others highlight a truth we'd rather not see.
According to Smriti, when people judge and invalidate you it's important to know that it's got nothing to do with you. "They are fighting their own battle and putting someone down makes them feel good about themselves. Someone with a full sense of self-worth will not act in judgemental ways", she explains.
"So, when someone is invalidating you, out-create them. Pour all your energy into yourself - into your growth, your progress and your creations. Leave them so far behind that they don't even matter. In that moment of judgement, ask yourself, 'If I was truly choosing for me, what would I choose?,'" she concludes.
This guest post was provided by Smriti Goswami
Ms. Career Girl was started in 2008 to help ambitious young professional women figure out who they are, what they want and how to get it.
