Rejection, separation, deception, death, life-threatening diseases are some of the ways grief introduces itself in our lives. Each of these experiences can scar a person forever, making it difficult to cope with the loss.
Just like every person is unique, similarly every person’s journey of grief and coping mechanism towards it is different too. However, there are 5 basic stages of grief that were identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” While they in no way imply that every person may necessarily go through all these stages or strictly in the same order, it does help understand grief better, giving words to difficult emotions that one may not be able to identify otherwise.
According to her, the first stage is denial, the mind’s impulsive reaction to reject and deny pain. ‘This can’t be happening!’, ‘This is not real!’ are usual thoughts at this stage. How, why are the main questions that possess the aggrieved. He is in a state of disbelief, not willing to face the painful truth.
This stage is followed by anger, a natural transition of emotions, as you are not completely ready to embrace the loss. At this stage, you face your loss but not without anger at someone or something, whether logical or illogical. You can’t face the truth and its pain in all its true light so you use this emotion to guard yourself against the depth of loss.
As the anger subdues and reality sets in deeper, you arrive at the bargaining stage. Here you keep thinking if things had happened differently. ‘What if’ and ‘if only’ are the companions at this stage, making one wish and wonder about endless possibilities.
Once the loss truly sets in and cannot shield your true feelings from pouring out anymore, depression hits. The present is there for you to face it, with all its bitterness and pain. One may isolate himself from people at this stage, go all quiet, disinterested in life but a person in mourning should be allowed this time to heal his soul. Great losses take great time to heal and all that one need at such a time is space and understanding from his loved ones.
The last stage of grief is acceptance, a stage that may take a long time for one to reach to. It is about making peace with the reality, accepting the truth however painful it may be. It is about learning to live with the loss, readjusting yourself and your life without someone who was integral to your existence.
Grief can create havoc within a soul as so many emotions fight to guard a person against a devastating experience, yet one needs to allow himself to go through his own, very personal experience of pain. Emotions bottled up do more harm than good, often coming out ugly and destructive, but allowing your emotions to flow, talking about them or sharing them in some way can help a person cope with them better. One should not feel guilty for the way he feels when faced with life-changing loss, neither should he feel any pressure to conceal his emotions. If the person is a person of faith, prayer and connection with God can really comfort the grieving soul.
The best that friends and family can do at this stage is to give the person in mourning time, compassion and acceptance, not comparing his healing process with another, putting him under unnecessary pressure or compulsion. Just the presence of someone who cares, a hand that the grieving person can hold, a shoulder that he can cry on, can make a big difference in his healing process. You can also help them in funeral arrangements such as choosing a granite memorial from the different memorial headstones options.
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