5 Just Wrong Christmas Songs

Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of some of these Christmas songs? They are weird, creepy, and depressing. No, really! Here are some to show you what I mean! I keep hearing these Christmas songs every year... only, this year I actually started thinking about what they were saying. I'll never look at them the same way again!

Just Wrong Christmas Song #1: We Wish You a Merry Christmas

At first this sounds like such a nice Christmas song. Let's look at the lyrics!

We wish you a Merry Christmas (X3)

Glad tidings to you and all of your kin
Glad tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year

See, now this sounds nice. Singing about wishing you and everyone you are related to, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. That's so NICE! Then the next verse starts.

We want some figgy pudding 

We want some figgy pudding 
We want some figgy pudding
So bring it right here.

I'm not sure what "figgy pudding" is but, why would someone start singing a verse that demands that the person you are singing to, bring you some figgy pudding. That's a little odd... and rude. Why not sing "We love your whiskey bottle, so bring it right here!" Actually, I like that verse better. I am singing my version this year. And then the next verse hits...

We won't go until we get some 

We won't go until we get some 
We won't go until we get some 
So bring it out here!

This is about the time you should quietly shut and dead bolt your door... and call the police... and maybe get a restraining order. Was it normal, during the era when the song was written, for a group of people to go to someone's house, knock on their door, wish them well and then demand food and refuse to leave until they get it? 

WHY would anyone write a song demanding pudding? I imagine a snotty, self-righteous, entitled brat wrote this song. Just guessing there.

Just Wrong Christmas Song #2: Christmas Dinner by Paul Stookey

I heard this song last week and I have too many questions to even know where to start. Let's just go to the lyrics.

And it came to pass on a Christmas evening

While all the doors were shuttered tight
Outside standing, lonely boy-child
Cold and shivering in the night
On the street, every window
Save but one, was gleaming bright
And to this window walked the boy-child
Peeking in saw, candle light
Wait, what? Why is there a boy-child wandering the streets, by himself, obviously under-dressed, during the night? And then he goes and starts peering into windows because of the light? Where are his parents?  
Through other windows he had looked at turkeys
Ducks and geese, cherry pies
But through this window saw a grey-haired lady
Table bare and tears in her eyes
So, this isn't the first window he peered through? How many windows has this peeping Tom looked through? Is this a habit of his?
Into his coat reached the boy-child
Knowing well there was little there
He took from his pocket,
His own Christmas dinner
A bit of cheese, some bread to share
His outstretched hands
Held the food and they trembled
As the door, it opened wide
Said he, Would you share with me Christmas dinner
Gently said she, Come inside

WOAH! WAIT! STOP! What? 

1) I don't care how hungry you are. Would you really eat lint-covered cheese and crusty bread from the pocket of the kid that was just peering through your window? 
2) This kid obviously knows nothing about stranger danger. You don't just go into random strangers houses because they don't have turkey, ducks, geese, or cherry pie. Have you never heard of crazy people? Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean she isn't going to kill you or do something crazy, like lock you in a basement for the next 20 years.
The grey-haired lady brought forth to the table
Glasses two and her last drop of wine
Said she, Here's a toast to everyone's Christmas
And especially, yours and mine
Nice. So now the crazy lady is serving wine to a minor. How's the bread? Assuming it didn't crawl off your plate.
And it came to pass on that Christmas evening
While all the doors were shuttered tight
That in that town, the happiest Christmas
Was shared by candle light
Oh that's just priceless. Get drunk with a kid (who wanders in off the street) with an open flame nearby. Yea, I can't see that going horribly wrong.
Just Wrong Christmas Songs #3 I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
I saw Mommy kissing Santa ClausUnderneath the mistletoe last nightShe didn't see me creepDown the stairs to have a peepShe thought that I was tucked upIn my bedroom, fast asleep

This is how kids end up in therapy. Seriously. There are two scenarios and neither of them are good.1) The kid just caught Mommy cheating on Daddy with Santa Clause, of all people! And of course, now he must decide... does he tell on Mommy and Santa and risk getting a huge lump of coal? Or does he keep it quiet and live the rest of his life with the guilt of knowing he witnessed his mom commit adultery?2) The kid realizes that Mom is really making out with Dad. But then he is going to wonder why in the heck dad is wearing a Santa suit.

Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa ClausUnderneath his beard so snowy whiteOh, what a laugh it would have beenIf Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last nightNever mind. #2 is out of the question. And why would it have been so funny for Daddy to walk in and witness his wife smooching another man? And mommy tickled Santa under his beard? EW! EW! EW! 
And the kid just stands there watching the whole thing! What is wrong with this kid?Just Wrong Christmas Song #4 Jingle BellsEveryone knows the first part of this song. So I am not printing that part. I'll wait while you sing it... Ready? GO!Now that you have that out of your system, here is the rest of the song.
A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side,
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot.
Now that sounds downright Christmas-y! Reckless driving a one-horse open sleigh right into a snow bank with your girlfriend at your side. We should make that scene into Christmas cards!
A day or two ago,
The Story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed as there I sprawling lie
But he quickly drove away
What kind of message is that to send out on Christmas? If you see someone slip and fall on the ice, just laugh at them and drive away. It'll be just fine because you are driving a one-horse open sleigh!
Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song
Just get a bob-tailed bay
Two forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! You'll take the lead.
And now he encourages people to do the same thing he just did. Get into a one-horse open sleigh and drive like a bat out of hell! 
What a second? What kind of horse has 240 as his speed? The sleigh would fly apart at those speeds. Sure, you'd take the lead... on the front page of the paper for the gruesomest Christmas crash ever!
Just Wrong Christmas Song #5 Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Even as a kid, this song scared the crap out of me! Especially after I learned about stranger danger. Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of this song? Oh sure, it sounds all fine and innocent until... Well just listen to the lyrics.

You better watch out 

You better not cry 
You better not pout 
I'm telling you why 
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list, 
Checking it twice; 
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming to town
Uh, so I can't have an emotional breakdown? Ever? Or just when Santa is coming to town? I can't pout? Not at all? So if I pout, or cry, am I going to be naughty? What if I stub my toe, or hit my head on the cupboard, or cut my thumb with a knife? Does that count as okay to cry? Or am I going on the naughty list?

He sees you when you're sleeping 

He knows when you're awake 
He knows if you've been bad or good 
So be good for goodness sake There are laws against this. It's called stalking. I knew a guy that would tell me when I was home and when I wasn't; when I went shopping and when I went to work. A restraining order put a stop to that. Are the toys worth it? I mean, really think about it. How bad do you want that GI Joe or Barbie? Bad enough to be stalked by a crazy man who lives by himself and a million elves he works to death in sweat shop? No. I don't. Thanks. I'll just buy my own toys this year.With little tin horns and little toy drums
Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums
Santa Claus is coming to townSanta's a busy man he has no time to play
He's got millions of stockings to fill on Christmas dayFirst, this is why I am buying my own toys this year. I don't want tin horns or drums. And he better not give them to my kids! That would be a punishment to me, which I probably deserve for all I got away with as a child. But really, Santa? Your going to give my kid a DRUM?

And the last part is what freaked me out so much. Santa "has no time to play"... When my mom said "I have no time to play!" It was usually said in that "mom voice" and was followed by corner time or a good old-fashioned butt beating.  

This may explain why I got sticks and coal in my stocking that one year... Hmmmm.From The Baker's Acres! Read more at http://www.dotchilatham.com