Halloween may be one of the lowest stress holidays-there are no gifts to buy, family interactions to endure, or elaborate feasts to prepare-but Halloween has a few unique considerations. Unlike Thanksgiving, Christmas, or the Fourth of July, Halloween exposes your household to the scrutiny of costumed children and their pillowcase-bearing parents. If you think enduring the prying questions and subsequent judgment of family members at Thanksgiving dinner was tough, you haven't ever experienced the porch temper tantrum of a little ladybug discovering the only candy you're offering is Payday and Almond Joy. Navigating the cutthroat Halloween scene is challenging, but if you follow this guide, your house will never get revenge egged again.
1. Don't give out anything other than candy.
DO: Stock up on sugary, chocolatey goodies and remember that childhood obesity, cavities, and diabetes aren't created in a single day.Giving out candy for Halloween is fundamental, but some people are still trying to subvert this essential tradition by pushing their own agendas on a costumed audience that couldn't possibly care less. You may be crusade against cavities or childhood obesity during the other 364 days of the year, but Halloween is not the time or the place. Do not hand out single-serving bags of potato chips, boxes of raisins, or packages of granola bars, even if they once "went over well" or "were a big hit." Trust me, they didn't. Those are the phrases people use to lie to themselves. There was a lady on my block who used to give each trick-or-treater a single penny from an old Folgers coffee container; I believe this trauma is the reason I hate loose change to this day.
Halloween is not the time to create your legacy. Stick with what works and go to the candy aisle, because giving out anything other than candy on Halloween is no different than trying to pay for your groceries with magic beans. Candy is the only recognized currency of this holiday, and don't you forget it.
2. Don't pretend you aren't home like an amateur.
DO: Answer the freaking door if you're going to be home on Halloween.For some people Halloween is like jury duty: They know it's their civic duty to participate, but that's not going to stop them from doing everything in their power to get out of it. With that said, if you plan on being the house that shutters its windows and turns off all the lights, try to be sure that the TV isn't blaring Hocus Pocus so loud that the eager children outside can hear it. I also recommend that you ensure no one can see you from the exposed corner of the window, lying on the couch eating the candy that rightfully belongs to trick-or-treaters. Keeping the candy for yourself is tempting, I know, but it isn't ethical, and you probably deserve to be egged for it.
3. Don't buy all your weird favorite candy.
DO: Think of the children. The children!!One of the biggest misconceptions about Halloween is that it's the thought that counts, but the rules for this holiday are not the same as those that apply to birthdays, and if the thought you have is that children like Mounds bars and Dots as much as you do, it most certainly does not count (and someone should stage a candy intervention on your behalf ASAP). There's no shame in claiming Milk Duds or Take 5 as your ultimate favorite candy, but you should recognize that those candies aren't universal crowd-pleasers. Think of your Halloween candy purchases as donations to a 501(c)(3) organization. You would never donate your favorite pair of decrepit underwear to Goodwill, and the same logic applies to your weird candy fetishes and Halloween. Don't impose your unique candy preferences on innocent little ones and parents who are likewise looking to score some good stuff. Stick with highly regarded candy like M&Ms, 100 Grand bars, and Kit Kats.
4. Don't make the candy bowl mistake.
DO: Keep your candy bowl inside to protect you, your house, and your reputation.If you've watched the news lately, you're probably already aware that we-as a society-can't have nice things, but that won't stop some idealistic, pure soul from thinking they can leave a bowl of candy outside their house without inviting disaster to their front door. If we can't even control gun violence, we definitely don't stand a chance preventing unattended candy bowl violence. The standalone candy bowl seems like a great idea in theory: You'll fill a bowl with candy, leave a note explicitly stating that each trick-or-treater can only take one, and luxuriate in not having to open the door every time you hear the sound of little feet pitter-pattering up the stairs. You'll get to relax while those fools next door spend all of Hallow's Eve on call, perched uncomfortably on the arm rest of the sofa for the entirety of the four hour trick-or-treating window.
You're being naïve. No good has ever come of the candy bowl. If it's not the first trick-or-treater, it'll be the third or sixteenth, but eventually that entire bowl of candy is going into someone's plastic pumpkin container and a battle more violent than Red Rover will take place on your front lawn. Costumes will be torn, knees will be skinned. And when the kids who are just on cusp of being too old to trick-or-treat see an empty bowl-the karmic retribution for all the candy they've collected in their lazy hoodie non-costumes-they'll either throw eggs or come a-knockin'. Don't be tempted by the bowl.
5. Don't decorate your house if you aren't giving out candy.
DO: Embrace being the lazy, spartan house that turns its back on seasonal decor.As someone who's well versed in trick-or-treater psychology, I'm not surprised by this statistic: Eighty percent of the house-choosing decisions made on Halloween are based on what a house looks like. It's superficial, but when you're doing a lot of walking while carrying a heavy bag of candy, you have to behave like you're on Shark Tank. When trick-or-treaters see orange lights and fake spider webs, they assume they're going to get some good candy for the trouble of walking up to the front door.
It all comes down to return on investment. Decorated houses demonstrate a commitment to Halloween, so imagine the horror of ringing the doorbell twice at a spooky house only to realize nobody's coming. This is tantamount to fraud. If you decorate your house and don't deliver on the implied promise of Halloween goodies, you're worse than the witch from Hansel and Gretel-because at least when she lures children in she actually fattens them up.
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bykatiehoffman.
