Yesterday I completed my
30 days Alcohol Free.
Which is monumental to me
because
I never thought I could
or
even imagined I would want to try.
After Christmas Eve celebrations
I woke up in the middle of the night
feeling the whole weight of
the losses of the year.
Literally feeling lower than I ever had
and
that's saying something with my history of depression.
I was beyond exhausted
and
wondered if
I could keep going
or
really if I even wanted to.
It was a feeling so dark and bleak
that slipping away seemed like a real choice.
It was a low and a pain
that is seared into my heart.
I realized
there wasn't enough alcohol in the world
to numb my aching heart
and boy
had I given it my best shot.
I also began to wonder if
my best friend Chardonnay
wasn't really the friend
I thought she was.
Was it time to break up?
Desperate times call for
desperate measures.
I would have never come up with
such
for me
a drastic choice
if it hadn't been for my friend
Adrienne Shubin.
I had her seen a post of hers a few weeks before
where she had announced that she had been
Alcohol Free for almost a year
and
had lost over 70 pounds.
When I first read about her choice to be
Alcohol Free
I actually felt bad for her.
How could she ever have fun again.
Now the weight loss I was all up for.
I have always had a predisposition
to drinking wine
many times in excess.
But I realize the last 3 years
with every hard thing that happened
(and there were So many)
I gave myself permission to drink
a lot.
Every night.
Just to check out
and
numb the pain.
The losses seem to just keep coming
and
I just kept drinking
a lot.
Until that Friday Christmas Eve
when I woke up
so low
realizing
there just wasn't enough
alcohol in the world
to numb my pain.
It took me until
Monday December 28th
to have a plan of action in place.
Adrienne Shubin
who has been exceeding generous and encouraging
(when the student is ready, the teacher will appear)
had recommended two books to me
that I had bought some weeks before.
and
The Alcohol Experiment 30 Day Challenge
both by Anne Grace.
I would highly recommend both
if your'e interested.
30 days sounded like a lifetime to me.
What was I even thinking
setting myself up for
what felt like
would most like be another thing
I didn't accomplish.
It I didn't have wine
who was I even?
My self identity seemed intertwined
with
'having wine'
It was my reward system.
It was my pleasure center.
It was my social life.
It was my bliss.
It was one of the few joys I could count on
in such a dark year.
It was the only way I knew how
to have fun.
~ I even appreciated the dullness the next day
it felt like a protective blanket
from the realities that had become my life.
It was also what had me
~ waking up at 3 am every morning
in a complete panic.
~ It was how I began every morning
trying to count how many glasses
I had the night before
and
judging myself accordingly.
~ It filled me with daily self loathing
and
slowed my hikes and workouts.
~ It made me feel like a prisoner in my own life.
I didn't even dare to want to break out.
It felt impossible.
But I have.
For 30 whole days.
I don't know my future relationship with alcohol
to be completely transparent.
but I do know
I don't want to return to
what I had.
The biggest gift has been
being able to sleep blissfully
through the night.
Even without any over the counter sleep aid
that I have been using for a least a decade.
I have been chasing solid sleep for decades.
I have also lost weight
by not drinking and making several other changes.
But I still miss drinking wine
to be perfectly honest.
I know I need to find new ways to
have fun.
To be able access joy.
So the journey will continue.
But today
I wanted to take the time
to say
I did it.
I set what to me felt like
an impossible goal
and
I actually accomplished it.
I think I will definitely
Crown Myself
today.
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
