Humans need to belong. This need – so vital to meet for our well-being and ability to flourish, particularly during difficult times – seems increasingly unmet for many individuals. As the Surgeon General warns, increasing isolation, loneliness, and disconnection drive several of the mental and physical health challenges many people experience today.
The reality that many of us don’t feel we belong need not be a source of guilt or shame. Without us even noticing, the world has changed, making this need more difficult to satisfy.
In fact, there once was a time when it was easier for individuals to feel a sense of belonging during everyday life. People lived in stable communities, connected with the land, in relationship with sources of inspiration greater than themselves. For various reasons, though, belonging has become harder. For instance, since the COVID-19 pandemic, work, civic, and religious communities have become more fragmented.
As we consider how to nurture more belonging in ourselves and others, Brene Brown’s insights are instructive. Brown distinguishes between “fitting in” vs. belonging. Fitting in, she says, involves changing ourselves to meet the demands of the situation. True belonging, on the other hand, requires us to be who we really are as we involve ourselves in something larger.
When experts in Psychology first discussed the need to belong, they focused on belonging in close relationships. For example, Abraham Maslow wrote how people, at some point, “hunger for affectionate relations… for a place in [a] group.”
Others, however, recognize different ways to feel a sense of belonging. For instance, indigenous thinkers point to how ecological belonging and spiritual belonging provide other means to feel part of something larger.
Although there may be various ways to seek greater belonging, many of us need more tools to use. Below are three practices for increasing perceptions of belonging in the interpersonal, ecological, and spiritual realms. I refer to them as “practices” because they literally require practice if we are to develop them as skills and most benefit.
- Interpersonal belonging
For all these practices, it may be helpful to begin by settling into a comfortable position where you can spend a few quiet minutes by yourself. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself in the moment.
Remember a time when you felt deeply part of a community or group, while at the same time feeling like you were fully yourself. Details will be essential here, so call to mind as many specifics as you can, particularly during those moments when your sense of belonging seemed highest. Maybe this occurred when you felt especially “seen” or “heard.” It may be helpful to take 15-20 minutes to write this memory down.
Why this matters: Feelings of belonging in close relationships are likely to come and go but having your “cup” filled with memories such as this may moderate your lows. In addition, once you start focusing on when you have felt you belonged in relationships, you may notice those times more in the future, savor them when they happen, and feel grateful in the moment.
- Ecological belonging
Anthony Tori | UnsplashIdeally, this practice would take place outdoors in a beautiful, natural space, but an indoor environment that includes some green plants would also work well. As you breathe in, be aware that the oxygen you’re inhaling was produced by the plant life around you, seen and unseen. Receive this with gratitude. As you breathe out, be aware that the carbon dioxide you’re exhaling is needed by that plant life. Offer this with kindness. See if you can become absorbed in a mindful back-and-forth intimate exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide with the plants around you.
Why this matters: We often forget we are part of nature, but the reality is we depend on nature, just as nature depends on us. Acknowledging our interdependent relationship with elements of the natural world can provide a different kind of belonging that can be deeply meaningful. It can connect us with life forms and life processes separate from us that will long outlive us. This can also help connect us with a particular place we associate with feelings of belonging.
- Spiritual belonging
CBS news anchor, Dan Rather, once asked Mother Teresa what she did when she prayed. She answered, “I don’t say anything. I just listen.” The news anchor then asked a follow-up question, “Well, then, what does God say?” Mother Teresa smiled and answered, “He doesn’t say anything. He just listens.”
Sometimes, the greatest moments of intimacy occur during silence. A long-time married couple may sit quietly together while they eat their dinner, not saying a word, but still feel the belonging that comes from being in the presence of each other.
For this practice, as Rilke once advised his student, “go within yourself and probe the depths from which your life springs.” Spend some time listening for – or sitting with – whatever you consider Sacred, Eternal, or Holy. Feel the intimate presence of something greater than yourself as you contemplate vast mysteries.
Why this matters: Inside or outside of religion, many of us long for spiritual connection. In essence, this involves developing a relationship of some kind with the imperceptible and mysterious. This also requires practice – and maybe even a kind of training – but having a relationship with the Divine can help ground us in the best parts of ourselves and provide a helpful resource for when we come to the end of ourselves.
Overall, these three forms of belonging – interpersonal, ecological, and spiritual – all provide us with unique ways to feel tethered to something stable, particularly during times of chaos, helplessness, and disorientation. Try them and notice how they impact you. You may find they support you in more ways than you might otherwise guess.
This post was also published at Psychology Today.
