Humor Magazine


By Katie Hoffman @katienotholmes

On June 13, 2014, the following takes place between 12 AM and 11:59 PM: my 24th birthday.


Yep, my birthday is on the 13th, and it happens to be a Friday this year. No, you aren’t the first and won’t be the last to point that out. This is the fourth time my birthday has fallen on a Friday—it’s happened before when I was 7, 13, and 18. It won’t happen again until I turn, gasp, 35 (and by 35, I probably mean 30 for the sixth time).

Twenty-four isn’t exactly a milestone birthday, except maybe for Jack Bauer, but in honor of the bad luck surrounding this date, I’ve come up with 24 things I would prefer not to happen on my birthday:

1. I really don’t want any disgruntled restaurant employees with varying levels of competence to sing a round of “Happy Birthday” to me. The most unfortunate part of this whole mortifying tradition is that we all know somewhere, sometime, there was some asshole who offered a waiter a few crumpled dollar bills and said, “Will you get your coworkers together to sing Happy Birthday to my wife? But don’t do the usual ‘Happy Birthday’ song. Make a few rhymes, repeat some words, clap your hands, really earn that two bucks.”

2. I also don’t want anyone to sing me “Happy Birthday” in a sexy voice à laMarilyn Monroe. Maybe I don’t get the appeal because I’m not JFK, but “Happy Birthday” is one song that has no business being sung sexily. It’s like singing, “The wheeeellls on the buS go roooound and roooound, roooound and roooound, rooooooound and rouuuund….” in that same sultry tone. Ick. No.

3. I’d prefer not to die. Don’t get me wrong, I think Shakespeare saved his headstone engraver a lot of confusion when he allegedly died on his birthday, but I don’t think it’s my time to go. Let’s table this until 2070.

4. I really don’t want to interact with Jason Voorhees. It’s mostly because I want to relax on birthday and not be tasked with running for my life, but his bizarre last name is also a factor.

5. I don’t want to receive a bagel guillotine as a gift. As much as I love the idea of merging torture devices and carbs, I already have one.

6. I don’t want anyone to fool me with those trick candles that never go out no matter how hard you blow (yes, I know, the word blow has connotations, but let’s be adults). You know how some people look really cute when they’re blowing out their candles and it makes for a scrapbook-worthy birthday photo? Well, I’m not one of those people. I also look unattractive with my eyes closed. I think there’s a connection there.

7. I think most women can relate: I don’t want to get my period.

8. I don’t want people to tell me things I should and shouldn’t do “because it’s my birthday.” I get it, it’s a momentous day, but if I don’t want to eat ten cupcakes, I’m not going to eat ten cupcakes.

9. I don’t want to explain how I’m celebrating my birthday or defend my lackluster plans if they don’t meet someone else’s standards.


10. I don’t want to answer any questions about being a Gemini. And you know what else? “The twins” always makes me think of boobs.

11. I don’t need to be reminded I’ll turn 25 next year. I haven’t forgotten how to count. I’ll also be 30 in six years and 50 in 26 years.

12. I wish my mom wouldn’t cry or tell me how nice the weather was the day I was born. …I may as well scratch this one off the list right now.

13. I don’t want anyone to judge me for listening to any of the following songs: Rihanna – Birthday Cake, Katy Perry – Birthday, or Leslie Gore – It’s My Party.

14. I don’t want anyone to act like birthday sex is any different than non-birthday sex. Are people wearing party hats while they’re doing it or something? Getting boned on the anniversary of the day you came out of your mother’s birth canal isn’t extra special—it’s like having a threesome with the ghosts of conception’s past.

15. I don’t want any free desserts from dining establishments. I’ve been paying for my own desserts for years now. More importantly, when you go for the free dessert angle you know you’re always going to the most basic, least satisfying dessert item the chef can conjure. Do you have any respect for your birthday at all than to dishonor with a free, begrudgingly-provided dessert?

16. I don’t want to wear a party hat with a strap, because those make my chin(s) look fat.

17. I don’t want whipped cream frosting. It’s just not as good as buttercream or cream cheese, and on my special day, I don’t want to pretend otherwise.

18. I don’t want anyone but me to use the term “special day” to refer to my birthday.

19. I don’t want anyone to inform me which celebrities have the same birthday as me. I won’t be sharing a cake with the Olsen twins, so it’s really not that important.

20. I don’t want anyone to tell me about people they know who I don’t know that have the same birthday as me (i.e. a third cousin’s girlfriend, an uncle’s son’s friend, etc.).

21. I don’t want to hear anything about 24 birthday spanks, tickles, pinches, shades of gray, etc.

22. I’d prefer no one call me “the birthday girl.”

23. I’d like people to avoid saying my age. I’m not ashamed of getting older, but I really don’t like even numbers, so this is going to be a tough year.

24. I don’t want to watch 24. Am I the only person bothered by the fact Kiefer Sutherland looks more like a Dan or a Phil or a Jack Bauer than a Kiefer?


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