Earlier this year before the Super Bowl, I made a list that reimagined all 32 NFL teams as favorite authors. That was fun.
With college football season now underway, I thought it would be a great time to do the same thing with college teams. The catch here is that Division 1-A college football has 126 teams, so I won’t be listing all of them.
Instead, I chose to list some of the more prominent teams with an associated famous author. Keep in mind, I’m an SEC guy, so I might lean a little that way.
Here we go:
Notre Dame. Herman Melville.
You believe everyone when they said Herman Melville was a good author, but you’ve never actually been able to stomach reading him, and that was so long ago—many, many, many years ago back when Herman Melville was recognized as a brilliant writer. It’s a lot like Notre Dame—they sure are famous, and everyone knows who they are, but nobody really knows why. They won a bunch of games like, 100 years ago or something and there was something about a “Gipper” in some black-and-white movie.
Ohio State: Nora Roberts
Ohio State might be the best team in the Big 10, which is kind of like being the only mobile donkey in a barn full of crippled donkeys. Or like being one of the best selling romance authors in the world. A lot of people read you, but they’re buying your books alongside tampons and instant rice at Kroger. Ohio State is the grocery store romance of college football.
Tennessee: Stephanie Meyer.
If you’ve ever been to a Tennessee game, you know this to be true—the band plays that hideous “Rocky Top” song any time the team makes anything more than a 2-yard gain. This is a program that got rid of the most successful coach in its history for Lane Kiffen. Lane Kiffen! Mediocrity is celebrated at Tennessee, much like mediocre writing is often celebrated in American fiction. See Twilight and Stephanie Meyer. Go Vols!
Harvey Updyke: Alabama fan, McCarthy protagonist?
Alabama: Cormac McCarthy
Pick any Bama fan on Earth, and you’re likely to find an outstanding protagonist for a Cormac McCarthy novel. Take Harvey Updyke, for example: Here’s a guy who, as a Bama fan, hated Auburn so much that he poisoned their historic trees in downtown Auburn’s Toomer’s Corner. Could you imagine Harvey Updyke (pictured right) wondering through a deserted land with The Judge from Blood Meridian? “A’ight judge I’m gonna jus’ sit ‘ight her on this log an’ try an’ spot some Ind’ins.”
Texas: Ernest Hemingway.
Everything’s bigger in Texas, boy. Texas gave us massive ribeyes and JerryWorld and George W. Bush! So it only makes sense that Hemingway is equated with Texas. The man was Chuck Norris long before Chuck Norris’ daddy said “My seed shall spawn a Chuck Norris. Hey honey, come here and let’s make a Chuck Norris.”
Oklahoma: John Steinbeck.
I mean, come on, there’s no other choice, right?
Penn State: Vladimir Nabokov
Sorry, this is just too easy. Y’all remember a few years ago when Penn State football was in the middle of a child molestation controversy involving former, now incarcerated coach Jerry Sandusky? My guess is the Sandusky creep had read Lolita once or twice in his day.
Ole Miss: William Faulkner
Putting anyone other than William Faulkner here would be a crime. William Faulkner is Ole Miss and Ole Miss is William Faulkner. Ironically, I’m guessing a large majority of Ole Miss fans wouldn’t get past the first page of one of his novels.
Georgia: C.S. Lewis
You wanted me to say Margaret Mitchell, right? Because nothing’s more Georgia than Gone With The Wind. But, no, because I’m a biased Georgia fan, I can’t do that. A recent poll asked all D-1A coaches who, excluding themselves, they would be most comfortable letting their son play football for. The coaches who received the most votes were Georgia coach Mark Richt and Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops. He’s affectionately called “Reverend Richt” for a reason. Hence, my comparison to C.S. Lewis. Plus, some of Georgia’s critics would say that UGA winning a national title is about as much fantasy as Narnia. I would never say that. Absolutely not.
USC: Martin Amis
Is a USC frat party kind of like one of those sleazy Hollywood parties with hookers and bathtubs filled with champagne that Martin Amis described in Money? I don’t know, but I’d kind of like to think it is—what with the way the football program dishes out cash and houses to football recruits like they’ve won a game show.
Florida: Edgar Allen Poe
I asked this question on Twitter: “What famous author is most likely to wear jorts?” I got two answers: 1) Edgar Allen Poe. 2) Robert Bruce (that’s me). First, I’m not a famous author. Second, I gave up jorts after a wedgie incident at the county fair earlier this summer. So, with that out of the way, let’s go with Edgar Allen Poe here. Why? I have no idea. It just makes me giggle to think of Poe hovered over a writing desk, penning The Raven, while wearing some cut-off jorts.
Auburn: ???
In thinking about Auburn, I can’t find the appropriate author. He would be the guy who you used to have a lot of respect for. You felt like he used to have a lot of integrity. But something happened and either his morals changed or he “sold his soul” and everything shifted. That’s Auburn the last few years. A (good?) example might be if David Foster Wallace had started writing legal dramas because they sell more.
Georgia Tech. William Gibson
Georgia Tech played a home game this week. But a Georgia Tech home game is similar to the proverbial tree falling in the forest. I’ve heard unconfirmed reports that more Georgia Tech students were on World of Warcraft servers than at the football game. Related, Georgia Tech students would totally dig them some William Gibson and Neal Stephenson ‘cause, like, sci fi.
Whether you love or hate college football, maybe you learned a thing or two today.
Like, for instance, Notre Dame used to actually win football games many years ago. And Alabama fans are psychotic tree poisoners. And Edgar Allen Poe might have been a jorts wearer.
Fair or unfair comparisons? Agree or disagree?
