Relationships take work. We all know that. However, several key behaviors stand out that help couples create a healthier relationship. Although not always perfect in their attempt, healthy couples have a mindset of commitment as they continue to evolve and change as the years go by. They recognize that “good enough” is well, good enough and that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. They find my doing and focusing on the “good” stuff in their relationship, helps offset the challenging times that can negatively affect a relationship and cause strife.
What makes relationships work…
1. Sex. They recognize that a healthy sex life is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. They make it their own. And while on that topic, let’s debunk the myth right now – there is no such thing as “regular” sex. What is that anyway? Who knows. Someone, somewhere along the way decided that 2 times per week is regular. Ah, no. Regular is whatever the couple makes it. Once a week, once a month, twice a week, twice a month. You get the gist. What’s important is that each couple decides what “regular” sex means to them and them only.They talk about it. They don’t shy away from discussing their needs. Certainly not perfectly, but they do.
2. Curiosity. Couples are and remain curious about one another. They ask questions and are engaged with one another. Remember the beginning? Remember how interested you were in the other person? They work hard to stay curious, remain open, and try new things. Novelty helps couples stay engaged with one another and keeps the neurons firing that go right to our reward system in our brain.
3. We are open! For discussion that is. Couples discuss, share, argue, and disagree. Even with the difficult subjects. The couple who says they never fight means that someone is not being honest and truthful and is forgoing their needs by not sharing what’s important to them. Effective communication skills and strategies are vital to having a conversation that doesn’t become circular in nature (though some always will). Respect, openness, and introspection encourages change for continued growth. Check out Relationship Advice: How To Fight Fair.
4. Unplug. They work hard to stay connected which includes at times disconnecting from “things” so they can be in the present moment and not be distracted. When did the tv, smart phone, or computer become more important than your relationship? That sounds just sounds plain silly to me.
5. Space. They know the importance of time together and time apart. Both are vital and necessary. Too much time together can affect a person’s need for individuality. Each person is not threatened by their partner’s outside interests. They do not forsake their individuality or other relationships and interests just because they are in a relationship. Differences are respected and similarities are embraced. The advantage to time away? Missing the person and looking forward to time together and reconnecting.
7. Baggage. Let’s face it – we all have it. Some more than others, others less than some. Some have a carry on (this is good) while others tote a 4 or 6 piece set of luggage (not so good)! If you are toting the 4 or 6 piece, I strongly suggest you get some help with your struggles. Each person has learned and continues to learn how to take care of their own “stuff” and doesn’t rely on the other to fix them. They have taken the steps to address their issues and not hold the relationship hostage to their past.
8. One and Done. They realize that a slight or falter does not define the person. We are all fallible and make mistakes. We say and do dumb things. They look at the situation in its context, not as a single error. They forgive. They have learned how to move on.
9. Grow. They continue to evolve and put the effort in to be a better person. Remember the early days? They work hard to bring their best self to the table. Not taking each other for granted, letting ourselves go, or behaving in a way “just because.”
10. Ebb and Flow. They recognize that relationships have their own ebb and flow. No two relationships are the same. How you manage the ups and down of the relationship is crucial and helps determine your long term success. Couples will come together and distance themselves within the relationship, but remain together. They understand that it is part of being in a relationship, especially long term. Having a strong friendship helps the couple manage the ups and downs. They laugh!
11. The Happiness Factor. Each person doesn’t hold their partner/spouse responsible for their happiness. Never works! Sure, its nice to feel validated and hear those words. We all need that. That’s the truth. Its also equally reassuring that your partner makes you happy – but the happiness you feel from your partner should be ancillary to how you feel about yourself. Happiness starts with you!
12. The list. Each person is able to list more positive attributes they like/love about their partner rather than negative. Yes, there will be those things that are bothersome and that drive you crazy! But, they are able to look beyond those things and focus on the good. Create your own list, share it – the good and the not so good – and continue the dialog that leads to a deeper conversation.
As you read this list, you will realize that this list is far from exhaustive. However, couples who actively engage in these behaviors report a stronger commitment to one another and to the relationship, improved and better communication, and overall greater happiness. They are healthier. They feel secure. They are able to talk about what’s going on in their life, which in turns enhances and maintains their intimacy in their relationship.
How is your relationship healthy? I would love to hear from you!
