Humor Magazine

11 Icky Thoughts Every Blogger Has Had

By Katie Hoffman @katienotholmes

Most of the time blogging is like cheesecake-flavored sunshine hugs, but there days when even the most sensible, hard-working bloggers will succumb to the icky thoughts.

No blogger likes having the icky thoughts, because aside from being thoroughly icky, these thoughts are often unfair, mean, unrealistic, overdramatic, pathetic, annoying, or ridiculous. The icky thoughts also make you feel guilty–like an imposter parading around as one of those eternally optimistic, happy-go-lucky bloggers. You know you shouldn’t be thinking the icky thoughts, but sometimes they make you feel so much better about everything you’re trying to accomplish with your blog. So without further ado, the eleven icky thoughts every blogger has had at least once (some of which, while still totally icky, are the teensiest bit true sometimes):

1. “Why does everyone like that one blogger so much? I’ve read his/her stuff, and it’s good, but it’s not that good.”


Bloggers should never feel threatened by the success of any fellow bloggers. We’re all in this thing together! Except, of course, for that one blogger who’s totally overrated. That one blogger has a huge, dedicated following, and you’re so happy for him or her because being a part of the blogging community means being one of many diverse, talented voices yadda yadda yadda, but that one blogger needs to be stopped.

2. “It’s been forever since I visited so-and-so’s blog, and I’m behind on responding to comments. I’m the worst human being in existence.”


Who doesn’t love reading other blogs and responding to comments? But sometimes my love of watching Game of Thrones takes precedence over conquering the blogging world Russia-style. And the next day, food, sweatpants, and Harry Potter all night might be absolutely necessary. And maybe the day after that I was too drunk to even respond to text messages, let alone meaningful blog comments. I guess I’m just selfish. Everybody probably thinks I hate them! I’m unfit to have a blog.

3.  “I don’t like this follower. I may even hate them a little.”

seth cohen

Don’t get me wrong, all readers all wonderful. Every blogger would probably agree that it’s interacting with your audience that makes having a blog worthwhile, but every once in a while someone will come along and crash your party. Their comments are banal. They tell stories that scare you. They start following you on Twitter and spend a solid hour retroactively favoriting your old tweets. You’re totally polite and everything, but sometimes when you see his or her name pop up, you think to yourself, “Not this one… Not here… Not now…”

4. “I’m literally the only blogger who has a real life outside the Internet.”


It’s common knowledge that all bloggers deal with distractions that take them away from their blog, but how does so-and-so respond to comments so quickly? Does he/she not work? What job function allows him/her to be on the blog all day? Oh look, so-and-so found the perfect GIF for his/her latest post and created an awesome new home page banner—I bet he/she doesn’t floss, though! Disgusting. My blog may not be perfect, but at least I step away from the computer to floss my damn teeth.

5. “Everyone that doesn’t have a blog is lazy. Imagine all the free time I’d have if I didn’t blog!”


Blogging isn’t for everyone, and every individual should follow his or her own calling, but seriously how do all these lazy fucks who don’t write a blog handle all the free time they have? Are they watching every television show? Playing every sport? Sowing every wild oat? Those freeloaders don’t have the faintest idea how long it takes to proofread a post! Must be nice to get eight hours of sleep and have clean hair, you ambitionless sloths! While you’ve been loafing around, I’VE BEEN INCREASING MY INTERNET PRESENCE.

6. “No one likes my blog. My blog is stupid. WAH!”


There will always be people who won’t respond favorably to your blog, but there will also be readers who shower you with compliments and applaud your writing skills. You should always focus on the followers who support you, but let’s be honest: those positive people are probably just being nice because they’re embarrassed for you. It’s much more likely that everyone in the entire world is mocking your blog from behind their computer screen. Even if they think your blog is good now, they’ll soon realize how much you suck once they come across that one blogger mentioned in number one.

7. “I’m not successful because none of my posts have gone viral!”


It takes time for a blog to establish its reach, but—wait, did you say nothing you’ve written has gone viral? And you’ve been blogging how long? Oh, well then, you may as well give it up now. Being the author of a viral blog post is the only measure of success that matters! Every viral post that’s ever existed is a striking example of vivid prose that communicates only the most significant aspects of our existence. Everyone knows that viral blog posts don’t rely on good timing or polarizing opinions for their success whatsoever! If you haven’t gone viral, you’re obviously talentless.

8. “I’m so mad every blogger is better/funnier/more clever/better liked/more popular than me that I’m never reading anyone else’s blog ever again.”


Finding inspiration as a blogger—hold that thought, so-and-so has a new post that looks interesting—HOW WAS THAT SO GOOD!? WHY DID I READ THAT? I CAN’T WRITE LIKE THAT! Why can’t I come up with stuff like that? I’m wasting my time as long as that exists in the world. I’m never reading another blog again. I don’t even want to know what else is out there. I’m sealing myself off in my blog bubble.

9.  “Someone had a bad response to something I wrote… I’m obviously a monster ruining the world one poorly-received blog post at a time.”


Every blogger will face criticism at some point or another, but it’s important to keep your head up and stand by your words. But before I completely let it go Frozen style, HOW COULD ANYONE SAY THAT ABOUT MY POST! That’s not what I meant at all! How could anyone think that I meant that?! Did I mean that!? WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?! I’m never having an opinion again. I’ll just write about cats, clouds, and cotton candy–those shouldn’t offend anyone… BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DOG LOVERS, METEROLOGISTS WHO HATE THEIR JOBS, AND DENTISTS???? Forget it. I’m giving up.

10. “Why am I doing this? I’m probably just wasting my time. Besides, I bet those America’s Next Top Model marathons could make me just as happy.”


There will be tough days when blogging seems like a waste of time, but you shouldn’t give up. Your traffic will be pathetic, your comments will consist mostly of spam, you’ll get excited by a new follower only to discover she’s trying to sell you discounted Christian Louboutin shoes, and the only email in your blog inbox will be from a Nigerian man who’s the reluctant heir to an empire (which you can share with him as long as you wire him $5,000 USD, your bank account and routing number, and all nine digits of your social security number). On second thought, where’s the remote? And pass the Funyuns, please. It’s not a pity party without Funyun crumbs down my shirt.

11. “This post I wrote was amazing, but it didn’t get the attention I felt it deserved. Doesn’t anyone appreciate my craft?! I guess I’ll just write the same old stuff people want to read.”


When you’ve been blogging for a while, you’ll start to notice certain characteristics of blog posts that readers will respond to more than others, but if you don’t pursue different topics or new approaches that interest you, you’ll never grow as a writer. Buuuuuut. How could anyone skip that awesome post I just wrote? It was so funny! So poignant! Even the title was ingenious! I guess I’ll just go back to writing the same stuff I typically write. I lost potential traffic all because I stepped outside of my comfort zone. POTENTIAL. TRAFFIC.


When things get really icky, turn to Jillian Michaels and/or Liz Lemon (not necessarily in that order):



What icky thoughts have you had while blogging?

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