We all know the feeling when we start getting sick – aches and pains, runny nose or nausea – whatever it may be. What do you feel as soon as these unwanted symptoms start to wrap their tentacles, one by one, around your body?
I know the first thing I feel. Panic about everything that I need to do and won’t be able to if I get sick, and guilt for allowing myself to get run down enough to get sick. Then, all of the inevitable questions that arise from these feelings run through my mind – am I trying to do too much, am I pushing myself too hard, am I mentally or emotionally not relaxed enough, am I eating well enough, I shouldn’t have gone to that event, I shouldn’t have done this or that. I then run through a commentary in my mind of who I’m going to have to let down by being sick. It’s all enough to spin me into an emotional whirlwind where I then start to feel even more exhausted, thus probably bringing on the illness faster.
Finally, I decide (or my body does) that enough is enough and I’m just going to have to cop it all on the chin and do something about it – gently break it to the people I’m going to let down, clear the schedule, communicate to whoever needs to know. Then, just work through the guilt about all of the stuff that I won’t be able to do and the people who I’m going to disappoint.
If being sick itself wasn’t enough to make one not want to be sick, all of that self-deprecating stuff definitely is.
This topic has come up because over the weekend, I became really ill with some kind of passing bug that gave me severe nausea – to the point where I had to go to the doctor to get something to stop me from throwing up. But it wasn’t before I spent about four hours in denial in the morning, upon which point my boyfriend became incredibly furious with my insolence, packed my bag and got my jacket and marched me out the door. I then walked around for five minutes and came back home – still in denial – before finally agreeing half an hour later and upon being very sick again after a sip of water to go to the doctor.
It turned out that many people had this passing bug on the weekend so it was obviously going around, which in some perverse way made me feel better because I wasn’t the only one (i.e. it wasn’t my fault at all!).
The question arises, though, about how much I put my needs first in my life. I think I do, and I try to, and I say I do, but how much do I really? If it wasn’t a Saturday, let’s face it, I probably would have gone to work and then would have had to come home violently ill. Not necessarily because of any outside responsibilities (although of course that plays a huge part in it), but because I put that pressure on myself. It’s just so much easier not to get sick – hence the denial right up until the very last minute.
Unfortunately, life’s not always easy and sometimes the best things are also the hardest. I wouldn’t expect anyone around me to press on while sick, so why should I expect that of myself?
In future, I’d like to say that I will always put myself first when I’m feeling unwell. But I guess that remains to be proven!
When have you put work or others first when sick?
