Understanding My Fear, Anger and Jealousy

Facts: I need lots of reassurance and continued words of encouragement that I am safe, loved, understood
I have always had a heightened sense of panic when there is minor conflict and since Jamie died I have been even more aware of danger, threats, a greater fear of being hurt. I always feel like I'm going to be hurt so I intentionally create chaos and pain in order to somehow feel in control, while instigating and creating the exact scenario I didn't want to happen. It's been an ongoing cycle for me and I'm not sure how to break it.
Why do I feel uneasy about him being out, there, with her. Because I know I did something wrong and there is unclear feelings and confusion on where people stand and where things will go. I have deep fears of people saying bad things about me, thinking bad things about me, feeling that I am a bad person. I don't want the people I love to think I'm a bad person but I act poorly sometimes and hurt them and then can't deal with the fallout of shame. I can't sit with the fact that I was hurt but also did the hurting and can't control the situation any more. When in reality this all began because I felt immense hurt and betrayl and pain and I struggle with feeling REALLY SEEN by my partner as a person who is unhealed, as a person who is confused and acting out from a place of fear. I am not always the strong, clear-headed version of myself I would like to be. Often I am destructibe and self-destructive. I will reconcile and come full circle at some point, every day, and realize it is not the Alyssa I want to be.
Late at night, when my medication has long worn off, is not the time for me to speak on my feelings. Alone, only Audrey by my side, but I can't even pay any attention to her because my mind is elsewhere. It's glued to my phone and I'm spiralling.
I still fear being left in the dark and not knowing what's going on. What the people in my life are saying about me. Are they happy without me around? Am I the one who ruins every single relationship? Every friendship? Eventually I push every single person away with anger? I'm not just an angry person. I swear, I can be happy, I can be nice, I can be loving. I don't want to be the person who pushes their partner to sneak around and lie and keep things because they can't handle the reaction I'm going to give.
That is so, so sad. How could I have become this person. This isn't what I want.
I want my partner to feel respected. I want to be able to nurture a healthy relationship where I feel safe and cared for and my partner has the freedom the do what they want without worrying about how I feel. I want to be wholly independant about my feelings and fears but see further ahead to how speculation and imagining scenarios leads to jealousy, hurt, anger and lashing out.
He says I lash out and I always will.
Will I ever be the person I want to be?