Big Regrets Pt. 2

If I'm talking about big relationship regret, I am talking about Linnea.
Oh how I miss her.
We met in London in 2010 while making our way through the music and party scene. The first time we met was on Richmond row outside of Jacks at the bus stop, I told her I liked her sunglasses.
Linnea was there for the years leading up to Audrey being born. She was there for the baby shower, the pregnancy, I'm sure she was there not long after the birth.
She moved to Toronto but she was there for me every time we needed a place to crash, she was there for me when my relationship with Jamie started to implode. She sat with me on a rooftop on Hyman street about what I deserved in a relationship and how I could exist as a parent, as a mom, on my own, could I do it on my own?
Then I left Jamie. It had to happen. We weren't happy, I wasn't happy, and Linnea's parents let me and Audrey move in with them temporarily while my life had it's second or third major shift.
I had become a parent, I had crossed that hurdle, now two years into it just when it was getting good, (the parenting- not the relationship) I was out on my own and starting the next chapter of my life.
I found a place for us to live after a month or more of trying. I could feel we had outstayed our welcome, I wasn't ready to move on but I was. I had just started a new job at The Bag Lady and I was hopeful I would be able to make rent in a two bedroom apartment in Old East Village.
Linnea began her Big Music Career and Audrey was in one of her music videos. We spent the day in Toronto with Violet and Jeremy and Ann; it's probably a core memory for Audrey.
My life started to turn bad. I was living a wild life; in a passionate but toxic polyamorous relationship with my coworker/best friend and keeping it from everyone we knew, until we went public, and then it really didn't last much longer because what the fuck was I doing anyways, in a poly relationship with a hot young guy when I had a 3/4 year old to take care of. I wanted it all, I thought I could have it all, not looking ahead to the future or what actually makes sense for our lifestyles.
Just living day to day off love, lust, desperate hope and not much else.
The relationship totally tanked. There were many reasons. I had almost immediately began therapy when the breakup commenced, and it lasted months, and I thought I was probably healed enough.
I wasn't, I was severerly fucked up. And then COVID happened. I lost connection to people, we all lost our minds. This is when friendships started to fall apart and my mixed up feelings from my failed relationship were all unravelling in a disgusting, messy way. Enough so that it trailed into my next relationship which, in hindsight, I probably should have delayed for further healing.
Now, my timeline is all blurred because I'm fairly certain I attended therapy after breaking up with Alex but when did I do DBT? I believe it was a 6 month program maybe even a year and there may have been overlap into my relationship with Johnathan.
I'm fairly certain I did DBT after losing Linnea as a friend.
DBT ended in March 2022 so the timeline goes roughly like this:
2015 Audrey born
2017 leave Jamie, move to OEV, start working at The Bag Lady
Date Alex from 2017-2019
First ever therapist around this time
Covid begins 2020 as well as my relationship with JJ
DBT began 2021 and ended 2022.
2023 Jamie dies, I'm forever changed
2024 I wonder how I can possibly fix all the problems I've caused and continue to cause. Can I salvage my relationship? Do I have to because it's my longest ever and I feel like I can't fail anymore and I need to make it work? I know I love Johnathan. I just have to know our relationship can work and that we WANT it to work.
I do but I am so full of bad feelings.