EvaI Know That I Have Not Spoken to You for Over a Month,...

Eva
I know that I have not spoken to you for over a month, but I think about you every single day. There's a lot to preface here, but I'll begin with saying that I respect your silence and your space, and if I don't hear from you after this, I will have to stop trying in order to respect you.
Still, I did not give you the apology you truly deserve. I'm doing this for a few reasons. First of all, it's the right thing to do. There's two ways I can proceed here. I can either do something, or do nothing. If I do nothing, nothing will happen, and there is 0% chance of ever mending anything. So I have to do something, because I don't want to live the rest of my life knowing I could tried have but didn't.
It's going to be extremely difficult for me to write this for so many reasons. I'm terrified you won't even read it at all. I'm extremely terrified it will never be enough, nothing I can say will be enough. All I have are words. All I had were words - words are what I know.
I also know feelings and emotions. If I'm speaking of my feelings and emotions, please know that it's not because I want your sympathy. I will try to only talk about my feelings if I feel it's necessary. Because I'm not here to explain myself or make excuses for my behavior.
The bottom line is, it is never okay for anyone to speak to anyone the way I spoke to you. It is the ugliest, most hateful discourse I was capable of and I can't take it back. You didn't deserve any of this. It should have been between me and Johnathan only and it is extremely difficult to reckon with, to own up to, to live with.
Specifically, I need to address how disrespectful I was to you and the language I used. I was scared and angry and lost sight of who you were, because suddenly you weren't Eva my good friend, you were someone who was trying to hurt me, and I lost my mind - in the realest sense. Any logic or reasoning went out the window and I could no longer speak to people the way they deserve to be spoken to. My mental health has plagued me my entire life, and while I feel that I am trying to work on it, and myself, there are times like this where I feel I have truly hit a new low and that maybe I haven't learned a fucking thing.
I didn't access any skills or rationale that day. My relationship was at a scary new place and on the verge of imploding. I go over it in my head and try to see what I should have done differently. I should have spoken to Johnathan, I should have accessed help from my mom to take over with Audrey so I could have the space to unpack what was happening, I should have remembered that you are my friend and weren't trying to hurt me.
Everyone is not always trying to hurt me.
Despite fearing being hurt, I'm fully capable of causing it.
I'm sorry for everything I said but I am really sorry for scaring you with dangerous statements about hurting myself, which is definitely the worst part of what was said. The pain I was feeling felt unbearable to me but it is never, ever okay to say those things to someone and I want you to know that I never wanted you to feel at fault for anything, not my pain, not my feelings of hopelessness, none of it. It's not your fault, and it wasn't your fault, and it isn't your fault. Eva, I am so sorry.
You were there for me, so very many times. I need to apologize to you for saying that you weren't my friend, and that you weren't a good friend. It's extremely important that I address this because it is absolutely untrue and was said in pure anger and is absolutely not what I really believe.
I could write a long time about what a good friend you are. I will try not to make this letter extremely long but I have a lot to say. I'll try to make sure I get to it all.
So I met you at an interesting time in my life. Our friendship grew and evolved, you came at a time when I had lost a lot of friends and I was grateful to have someone who actually wanted to spend time with me. Truly, you are a better friend than any of us deserve, and there were times I was scared I wasn't living up to the idea of a friend that you wanted, and that I wasn't giving enough to the friendship. I'm sorry for not making it more clear that you were a great friend, that you were loved, that I care about you. That's not to say I never did, but I could have done so much more, and I could list reasons why (being a parent for one) but I will just say that you deserve more. You deserve to get what you give, I truly think that. I have always seen what a good friend you are, to me, to Johnathan, to Athena; you are a special person.
I didn't know there would be a gaping hole in my heart and my life without you in it. I truly didn't. We haven't even been friends that long, but you were one of my most often texted friends. One of my most frequently messaged people on Instagram. You were there for me. I don't know that I was always there for you. And now, I've made the ultimate mistake in lashing out at you. I don't know if you'll ever forgive me, we both know that you don't have to. There is no reason for you to.
What scares me is that you probably can't or don't or won't trust me again in the future, because how could I prove to you that I'd never do something like this again? There's not much I can do except try to explain how acting this way has severely affected me BECAUSE of the way it affected you, and that your silence, your abscence in my life, has been enough to make me realize I never want to do that again, I will do everything in my absolute power to make sure it doesn't happen again, because I never want to hurt someone the way I hurt you. Or the way I hurt Johnathan.
You're not supposed to hurt the people you love.
And truly, I do love you. I miss you, I feel something missing, most days I'm periodically sad. You don't have to give a fuck about me, though.
There's no reason for you to forgive me.
It'll be a horrible lesson to learn, it'll be something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.
But I'm so sorry for hurting you the way I did. You didn't deserve that, you are a good person.
I don't think I'm a particularily easy person to be friends with. I would understand if you never spoke to me again. Maybe I deserve that. Maybe we just don't appreciate people the way they should be while we can, and only ever realize it when it's far too late. I guess I'll find out.
I'm lucky to have had you for a friend when I did. I truly feel in my bones that it wasn't supposed to be this short, but I know what I did. I can't live my life expecting people to let me treat them like dirt and that apologizing is enough.
I think about you every time I listen to 80's new wave.
Audrey misses you. I'm mad at myself for neglecting to think of her throughout this mess, because almost immediately after the weekend was over, I realized if you never see me again you'll never see her again and how could I ever explain to her why that was going to be the way.
She loves you, so much. I'm not saying this to guilt you. She's just a kid. Sure, if this is the way it has to be, I can protect her feelings and help her understand or at least move on from your abscence without a big to-do. I'm sure I can do that if I have to.
I don't know if it's even right of me to bring this up. I really don't. I just thought you should know that you were more than just a friend to me, you were a friend to my daughter, and that means more to me than you know. It's a struggle to maintain friendships with my lifestyle and you always adjusted to that and made her feel welcome, made me feel supported. There aren't a lot of people who do that.
Every weekend she asks to see you. I truly don't forsee a time that this won't affect me.
If this truly is the last chance I have to say something to you, then all I want to say is I'm sorry and I love you and I will always love you. I understand if you are too scared to be friends with me again. I've been awful to you and although I know that's not who I want to be or who I really am, I understand if you don't believe me. I can't promise to be a perfect person. I never want to hurt you again.
Please know that Johnathan loves you very much and values your friendship so much. He always has. He has always, always said - Eva is a good friend. To him, and to me. He constantly reminded me, and in a way I let you both down. I'm sorry for any way this has negatively affected your friendship with him and please know that I want you to continue to be friends with him, he wants you in his life.
I'll be working hard every day to work on myself. Maybe I will see you again some day.