MmmHmm. I’m all that and a pack of crackers. Bought on sale. With a coupon. In a Buy 1 / Get 1 family pack, bitch.
Pthffffft.
I got more crowns than my Uncle got toes and girlfriends. MmmHmm. True dat.
Whoop. Whoop. Who let the Medium sized Dawgs out?
Pthffffft.
Girrrrl…I do not have a good feeling about this at all, Darlene.
I just need a moment or two to collect my thoughts, because I’m on overload.
As most of you already know, I’ve been participating in all the festivities surrounding National Honey Boo Boo Child Week…and all that Redneckognizin’ has done gone and tuckered me out.
With more fanfare than the Space Shuttle received on its final return to Earth, sassy little Alana Thompson just sashayed all that precocious sassiness back onto our televisions with a return to the Toddlers & Tiaras Mother Ship where it all began. She was back for another try at one of those over-sized sparkly things, and more importantly, to reclaim some rural street cred after walking off the stage with only 3rd Runner Up status during her last televised pageant.
But wait. There’s more.
As if that wasn’t enough, like some 4-wheeler with a loose lug nut speeding down a country highway and losing it’s front axle, one of the T&T tires just popped off and the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo spin-off show also smashed through our front window.
Two doses of Honey Boo Boo Child in one week.
And you wonder why I always look so tired.
If you’re really too lazy to scroll down a few paragraphs to check out the KneeSlap ReCap of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo spin-off show just below this one, you can click here. I wouldn’t want you to exert any unnecessary effort while you’re on the couch or pretending to be working at the office when the Boss walks by.
Been there, done that.
But on to Toddlers & Tiaras, and Georgia’s Most Beautiful Girls Pageant Olympics.
Director Angie Pearson happily explained that this week’s extravaganza had an Olympic theme, which immediately made me wonder who out there actually needed that explanation, given the title and the 48 hours a day of synchronized swimming being aired on NBC this month. But better safe than sorry, I guess.
First up was 6 year old Alana and everyone’s favorite burpin’, tootin’, sneezin’ Mom June. Love them.
Trust me on this one. They may eat crap, but they don’t take any crap. Not from no one, now where, no how. And that’s what makes them so endearing to some, and so terrifying to others.
Just in case there was still a human being on Earth who hadn’t heard of Honey Boo Boo Child, we got a quick flashback to all the best belly squeezing moments from her first T&T appearance, as well as some new quality time getting mud facials and passing gas.
Mom explained that since we last saw them they had progressed to Medium Dawg status on the Petco Glitz Scale. I guess that means you aren’t a newbie anymore, but you still don’t get the biggest, glitteriest plastic don’t-lick-it collar while you’re waiting for your belly stitches to heal. Or at least that’s what I got out of it, anyway.
Next up was 8 year old Deseray and Mom Deiry, both of whom were obviously products of that elusive Pageant Name Generating Machine, because I’ve never seen either of those names on any balloon at iParty. And I’ve looked.
Deiry had done loads of pageants in her youth, so you already knew where this one was going.
Mom made all the hairpieces and sewed all the costumes for Deseray, and they were pretty impressive. Girlfriend can sew. I can also pretty much guarantee you that she stitched up one or two in Big Girl sizes that she wears around the house when she vacuums, blasting Ricky Martin‘s new CD on her iPod.
I really liked her right away because she reminded me of one of those strong, independent women in the telenovela soap operas who throw wine glasses at the wall and then slap their lovers.
The final princess in the trio was 5 year old Destiny and Mom LeAnne.
LeAnne also did pageants in her youth, so just replace the previous telenovela joke with a Dallas or Knots Landing joke and we can speed things up a little…after we make note of that big a** ’80′s hair she was rockin’ in her pageant photo.
It was like Air Supply and A Flock of Seagulls had a Love Child. You go, LeAnne.
You go and block out the sun like a big, giant hair eclipse.
That one definitely stopped me in my tracks like a deer in headlights.
And speaking of smooooth segues…
As LeAnne was reliving a Spandeau Ballet concert, a local McIntyre law enforcement officer was having Ethel ring up the Honey Boo Boo house and tell them that their dinner order was ready for pick-up.
Turns out that every time someone hits a deer or moose or squirrel or finds a fresh dead something or other on the side of the highway, someone on the city payroll calls June and they go pick up the roadkill for dinner.
This scene needs to be put into the TLC Time Capsule immediately.
The whole Boo Boo family then gathered around a stack of those big white coolers you bring on Spring Break and frantically grabbed at slabs of raw meat like the rest of us would dive for Louboutins at a designer sample sale. I had to rewind that part twice.
As Mom smooshed deer junk into one of those monkey organ grinder contraptions, Alana cuddled a busted up chunk of what looked like hind leg or butt cheek inside a pink blanket and sang a Dolly Parton song to her dead baby.
“Darlene, Darlene…Please don’t eat him just because you can.”
Yeah. She names every piece of roadkill before they shovel it down their pie holes.
I love this family so much I’m getting a side cramp.
For all the Darlene chewing she was doing, you’d think Alana would have a mouth like a back hoe. But she doesn’t. She has a tiny little set of chompers, which would explain why she planned on using a flipper originally built for…and used by… a 3 month old baby.
Now. Hold up.
A used flipper? Gross. Even if you boil it. Gross.
But more importantly…if a 3 month old baby will eat LEGOs and Barbie shoes until they lose consciousness, why would anyone willingly stick a set of false teeth down their windpipe? And what do you stick them to anyway? They’re all gum and soft spots on their skull. Where does it go?
Anyway. I forget whether they got the flipper from a friend or on eBay, but regardless it apparently came with model airplane glue instead of Fixodent, because every time Mom popped that thing into Alana’s mouth it was like dropping acid.
That Old Man Glue is some good s*** cuz that bitch be LSD trippin’.
Unfortunately, the glue that LeAnne and the salon tech had used while attempting to apply Destiny’s individual eyelash extensions didn’t have quite the same euphoric, hallucinogenic effect as they basically glued the poor girl’s eyeball shut like a pirate.
At least with her pre-school lid now heat sealed tighter than a bathroom water pipe, Destiny didn’t have to endure all the Bling that Mom had worn to the salon that day, which was quite blinding in that “I used to do pageants” kind of way.
True, you never know when you might run into paparazzi, but c’mon…dial it down a little. It’s the mall.
While the fire department brought in the Jaws of Life to pry open Destiny’s eyeball, Alana and Mom were off to get their mani and pedis, accompanied by Whacky Gay Sidekick Uncle Lee.
Seriously. This family is like a Chili’s Awesome Blossom Onion Ring.
The more you pick and peel at it, the sloppier and tastier it gets.
Despite the fact that “Poodle”…his RuPaul Dragulator name I assumed…was wearing the same polo shirt that he wore while tearing about Darlene’s blood and guts, he was as redneck fabulous as you’re allowed to get in Georgia before the auto shop boys drive you past the town limits and dump you naked in a ditch.
Lee had his nails done up in the same color that he saw Adam Lambert wear on the Teen Choice Awards one time and seemed to like wearing his sunglasses on his head more than his nose, which drives me crazy. Not that he’d be able to see through them anyway after sitting in all that hair gel, but I hate the head top sunglass thing almost as much as wearing your shades at night in the club. Playa.
But he’s from the Boo Boo family, so he gets a Get Out Of Jail card.
He also gets boots with empty space at the top, because he only had 9 toes.
Awesome. Blossom.
Something about a lawnmower, but I was so mesmerized at how that portion of his foot appeared to be his Lee Spot, if you know what I mean, that I wasn’t paying attention.
Dude could not wait for someone to start dingling his digits. I literally thought he was going to have to go out back behind the barn and have a cigarette after all 9 of his buttons got pushed.
Amidst all the Frito-Lay foot stank jokes and gas passes, Alana explained that Poodle had some fruit in his tank which opened up so many joke possibilities that I now know what an aneurysm feels like.
Finally it was Show Time.
Deiry brought along her twin sister to help do Deseray’s hair and makeup, and luckily she wore some funky thing in her own hair or I would never have been able to tell them apart.
I may have to tweak the previous telenovela joke, because now that I’ve seen Deiry #2 in action I’m thinking that she could just as easily be the one to slap the lover while Deiry #1 sat on him. I can’t decide.
But together, they are the ultimate tag team. So much so that I paused the episode and contacted Comcast to get Telemundo on my lineup, regardless of cost.
The only thing that Deiry wasn’t very good at was making lists, because she forgot hair spray (…at a freaking pageant? Doy…) and then forgot Deseray’s flipper and then forgot Deseray’s flipper glue. She ended up running up and down five flights of stairs to the hotel room and back, throwing wine glasses and slapping bell boys throughout the entire route.
Other than that, she was on her game. Except that those three things pretty much ARE the game, honey.
Alana also had some flipper drama with her toy teeth, which caused her to grind her jaw during her Beauty Walk. Or maybe she was still chawin’ on some Darlene…not sure. But the judges caught it and made note of the oral deduction.
Destiny’s Beauty Walk was all good, notable because the “what she wants to be when she grows up” part listed every job on craigslist. If you need a Singing Dentist, she’s your gal.
The Outfit of Choice part, OOC for those of us in the know who used to read books, was that Olympic theme that Angie had clarified earlier.
Alana was a tennis player with something on her shirt that TLC blurred out like a drunk prostitute’s face on COPS, so naturally I was dying to know what that was all about.
Destiny did a hula hoop number which was cute, because little kids that are still 85% head trying to wobble a hula hoop always make me laugh.
Deseray busted out her gymnastics routine, complete with the back hand spring that Mom had previously tried to trick her into doing on their hard kitchen floor during rehearsal. If you’re gonna crack your head open, wait until it gets you a sash. Girl ain’t stupid.
Then some kids won some stuff. House Rules stated that nobody double crowns, which kinda sounded like OctoMom and skeeved me out for a second.
But it appeared that nobody told the judges, because Destiny still ended up winning two…count ‘em…TWO…prizes.
Naturally the crowd got all WTF and the emcee called up Alana and Double Crown Girl and swapped out some stuff, though it still didn’t give Alana that elusive Ultimate Grand Supreme title that she has yet to win.
But hey. She has her own show. So F*** you, bitches.
Deiry wasn’t liking Deseray’s final title and got all Telemundo on the lady with the score sheets and pretty much thought the pageant could have been rigged. She even showed us all the sheets, which might as well have been written in Star Trek Klingon for all the good it did me, but I guess she was making a point.
Destiny was really happy. Deseray was kinda sorta happy. Alana was really sad, because big crowns and big money are where it’s at.
Dolla still makes a girl holla.
