When I heard that Beyoncé’s girl was coming, you know Mama had to go put on her big hair.
Did I remember to unfollow that idiot blogger on Twitter? That boy is nothing but a damn fool.
#GoogleItYo
I know I won’t have no regrets when I snatch those braids off her head and rock the TCAs.
You know I can see you all up in my business looking at my hair, little girl. Don’t even think it.
After I Google that Dance Lady, I need to figure out what the hell ‘OG’ even means. Seriously.
#Done.
It’s happening.
It’s really happening.
And for real this time. I swear.
Spoiler Alert: Not like this swearing.
Or even this swearing.
But more like #PinkySwear swearing.
Because they’re really back!
Yup. It was the long awaited return of Chloebird and my #CyberSpiritAnimal this week! F’realz.
After endlessly looped promos and pop-ups spliced into and onto that new So Sharp show you should totally be watching, Chloe Lukasiak, Mom Christi and the no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara finally made it back home to where they belong: Dance Moms.
Even though they kinda sorta made it back at the end of the first half of whatever number season this is now. But that was really only long enough for Holly to lose her noodle and Abby to begin a vegan BoyToy diet that I don’t think is even legal in all 50 states.
She made them dress up like farm animals, E I E I Yo.
(And did Kalani really pick up a First Place trophy wearing a pig costume?)
Programming Note: We’re not even remotely going in the correct episode order if you’re trying to find these bloops on your DVR. Don’t waste your time. I’m just trying to get you caught up.
So Chloe and Christi came back at the end of whatever. But that one didn’t really count, even though it did get a number of tweens pretty wound up and also scored Chloe her own 10 minute weekly TV show where she gets to eat cookies off her face like that dreamy guy from One Direction.
And a road trip to the UK for Abby Lee Miller…
…who was off celebrating her last few weeks of freedom sightseeing with Steve Sanders from Beverly Hills 90210 before returning to face a judge for misplacing all that Aussie Meet & Greet moolah.
Spoiler Alert: I think we all know how that one ends up.
So now it was back to the ALDC LA for the rest of the gang as they waited for this week’s fill-in choreographer, who Ashlee had called in as a ringer.
Because Ashlee Allen has Beyoncé‘s choreographer’s cell phone on speed dial and you don’t.
Side note: I bet Ashlee has plenty of extra room on her SIM card for other celebrities now that she unfollowed me on Twitter, right? Here’s an actual BTS shot of her unfollowing me right in front of everybody else. Tossing me aside like a pair of last season’s blue jeans that still kinda fit.
Look at how nosey that Kate Gosselin Mom is, tho.
SnackAttack!
And famous. And she has worked with a ton of famous people.
Who she named. A number of times.
And if you don’t know who Laurieann is…then Lawd Geezis, you better just Google it asap.
So I did. And these two pictures came up.
And it’s true because it’s on the internet and I Googled it.
We love Laurieann.
She’s one of those choreographers who screams and yells and gets all like BoomKack CrackerJack when she’s counting out the beats in the music. And you better listen or else.
Because she’s a better dancer than you and has way better CGI-animated hair than that lady in the new Inhumans show coming out this fall.
Laurieann has worked with Lady Gaga (…who they showed in a photo…) and Beyoncé, who they did not show in a photo because my Producer boy was so busy photobombing the Moms’ Teens Choice Awards Instagram videos that he forgot to get clearance from Jay Z.
Laurieann’s goal was to bring out the best in the girls and break the robotic spell that Abby had placed on them over the years.
Q. Anyone feel like Abby holds you back?
This week the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition because that’s where they go every other week. The group routine was entitled “Judgement Day” and would involve the Big Girls walking two Minis on leashes, because why not.
Solos went to Nia, Camryn and that little girl Maesi, who has the best D’oh smile evah.
Nia and Kendall both had breakthroughs getting past some of Abby’s wear and tear…
…and then–
Wait. What?
AwHellNah. I don’t think so.
#MomCrush.
Look at Jill trying not to smack that thing right off her stupid head.
I think I need some fresh air after that.
Christi…crack the window, willya?
And headed into enemy territory across town at the Murrieta Dance Project.
Not that I don’t love me some Erin Babbs. Because I do.
She’s awesome sauce. And she runs a tight ship over there at the MDP. Squeaky tight.
They require sewn-in elastic on ballet and pointe shoes (…no wire hangers or tied together footies…) and only give you 5 minutes to fix your hair before rehearsal if you show up a hot a** mess after school.
They also apparently require your Dad to build you a time machine because their current website lists 2015’s holiday hours and a big full page blurb announcing Revue tickets that are going on sale 3 months ago if you click a non-existent link.
Yes. And I own it.
So aside from the fact the MDP website dress code repeatedly stated boy’s knees needed to be visible so many times that I felt momentarily violated, I was also questioning why Christi’s new car was equipped with one of those fish eye spy cams and if she knew it and why she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
But then I saw the restraining device under all her new hair. And speaking of…
PLEEEEZ tell me you saw Christi’s social media post the day she was getting her hair did for the Teen Choice Awards. Look at that dude trying to find a clean spot to eat his lunch on that Table o’ Tracks.
It takes a village.
The only other time I’ve ever seen that much TumbleWeave in one place was two years ago on Black Friday in a Best Buy parking lot. Cuz I know you didn’t just take that last widescreen plasma and then text my man while I was in line getting a George Foreman and an Amazon Echo Dot.
Alexa. F*** that bitch up right now.
Q. Why are all those cars going in so many different directions? Is she even on the road right now?
And how hilarious is it that she took the long way to MDP just so they could drive by the prison where Abby is going to be staying? I mean, C’mon. Set your GPS…I feel some Sunday road trips coming on.
And they don’t allow cameras, so it’s ok to flip the bird out the window, kids.
Erin is awesome and she put Chloe through a rusty private rehearsal and a group routine that got Chloebird a little weepy, but apparently all dance studios have that secret room where all the kids run off to and cry when they wobble out of their turns and feel like New Kids on the Block.
Meanwhile, back at the ALDC LA, which is what I think it’s still called until somebody (…Spoiler Alert…) comes and rips all the logos off the brick walls, the three girls were rehearsing their solos.
Nia: No Regrets. Maesi: Black Sheep. Camryn: Weight of the World.
All three girls are good and all, but we need to take a minute and remember Nia’s journey.
Do it. Because she and her Mom are da bomb diggity. Somebody raised her right.
#FamilyGoals.
BoomKack PaddyWhack Hello Kitty Tic Tac.
And then the four oldest dancers all went for hot chocolate on a 94 degree LA day, which was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things except for the fact that Brynn is literally every white girl on planet Earth when it’s Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte time.
Look at her go.
I would totally DM her Mom and tell her how totes adorbz her kid is, but…you know. Twitter.
Oh. And there was also a flashback to when Chloe and Christi left 3 years ago and Chloe was crying and Christi was calling Abby a fat 45 year old which, if you do the math and plus it back up, doesn’t even come close to the age that I bet was on the clipboard when the prison matron took all of Abby’s jewelry and Tupperware. #DanceMath.
Finally, it was Showtime!
#CyberSpiritAnimal Christi showed up wearing the same red coat that Jackie O wore in the Lifetime movie that’s on Netflix this month. I’m ok with her lifting some presidential couture from the prop room when the guard goes on break. She looked hot.
#MomCrush Jill showed up wearing those blush pink aviator sunnies that are all the rage at Hot Topic right now. Cuz she trendy and stuff and Ryleigh won’t even notice they’re missing until the episodes airs and by then it’s too late anyway. I love Jill so hard.
#ProveThemWrong Chloe showed up with her new MDP friends but was having some serious ALDC separation anxiety. It gets better, Peanut. Just hold on a little longer.
If you’re a skimmer, the whole scene can be summed up in this one photo:
Kendall never texted Chloe in 3 years. Oh yes she did. Oh no she din’t.
Who’s a studio hopper now, Christi? Who’s a bitch now, Jill? You’re an OG. I’m an OG. You’re not an OG. You can’t leave and come back and studio hop and still be an OG. You were never an OG. Pull up Season One on your damn DVD. Who dat lady? Who dat lady? I’m an OG. No she’s not.
When it was all over, everyone went to opposing corners to let the dust settle and I realized that I forgot to stick this picture into the recap. Look at how cute this kid is.
And what ever happened to that front door picnic bench that Jill bought Abby way back when she was or wasn’t an OG? Did we ever locate it?
The whereabouts of that bench and the stuffed dog is why I have trust issues.
Apparently it’s a two-parter. Who knew?
This week wore me out, folks. I’m exhausted.
Somebody call me an Uber.
