Is it just me, or did anyone else just get a whiff of olive oil, Galleria perfume, spray tan mist and movie popcorn?
It’s kind of ironic that one of Count Basie’s most famous swing band songs would turn out to be Oh, Lady Be Good, because I’m thinking that every Count Basie Theater usher who was on shift during the taping probably mumbled those words under their breath as they sat The Real Housewives of New Jersey down on stage for Part One of this season’s Reunion Show.
Since the Port Jefferson Junior High cafetorium apparently refused these Mean Girls admittance for their show, Bravo TV went to plan B and bussed all the Housewives over to the theater, where Andy Cohen threw some raw pepperoni on the floor and just let them have at it while he looked on in that confused little boy way he does.
With a backdrop of empty chairs and a big chandelier, we had a stage full of overly made up girls crying, screaming and pointing aimlessly. The whole thing was eerily reminiscent of an aging version of Toddler’s & Tiaras, if that show ever filmed anywhere but down South. I really couldn’t even tell the difference until they started splicing in clips from the Housewives series.
As soon as the starting gun went off, Andy addressed the elephant in the room. Or the missing elephant. (And no, that is not a back handed reference to how fat she felt in Punta Cana.)
Jacqueline was MIA. For the first time in the history of the Universe, a Housewife refused to come to a Reunion Show and suck more face time out of Bravo.
Over the past few months, as the girls have been filming the upcoming Season Four, something big went down between Jacqueline and Teresa. So big that the two of them have been talking smack on Twitter and Facebook like teenage girls who stole each other’s prom dates. So big that Jacqueline has been blogging that she couldn’t look at Teresa. So big that they couldn’t tell us and ruin the next season. That big.
I’m going to assume that Teresa didn’t kill Jacqueline in a table flipping rage or something, because even Bravo TV isn’t so all powerful that they could postpone a trial for ratings. They all talked about her in the past tense a lot, but I think my imagination was just getting a little morbid.
Teresa simply stated that Jacqueline started something and should have finished it.
I was so distracted by Mrs. Giudice’s glittery pageant eyes that I might have missed a point or two. Let that be a lesson to all Mean Girls out there: Always apply your heavy make-up in the same lighting that you will be seen in or you’re going to come off looking like one of those alien vixens who always seduced Captain Kirk.
And let’s just say that the dress didn’t help. Who are you supposed to be? Wonder Woman’s mother? Comic-Con is in the other theater.
Not pulling any punches, Andy goes right for the Cookbook Controversy. Given the fact that Teresa didn’t actually have to cook anything in the publication, she used all that extra time to slam her fellow Housewives and family members in the introduction pages.
We got to rehash the 1/16th Italian diss against Caroline “Yoda” Manzo (“Family, love you must…”) as well as sister-in-law Melissa’s obsessive copy cat looks.
Turns out the infamous Andy shoving stunt during the Season Two Reunion Show was all due to some baby drama and Melissa apparently Facebooking serial NutWad Danielle Staub, Teresa’s nemesis from last year. I was totally waiting for Danielle to come down the aisle carrying some of that movie popcorn. But I know that Bravo never does fake set ups or anything even remotely fake.
Never, right?
They did try out their own version of the famous Rosie vs. Elizabeth View split screen every time the bickering got good. It got just as heated, but even Barbara Walters wouldn’t dare go up against Teresa, so I think her job is secure.
My new favorite drinking game is to take a shot every time Teresa nervously flits with her bangs or Melissa rolls her eyes. Luckily I didn’t have any booze in the house, or I would have been face down within the first 11 minutes.
Yoda Manzo, besides being the self described Voice of Reason, is also the Master of the Forehead Scowl. Check her out. She contorts her face into the best combination of “What is that smell?” and “Whatchoo Talkin’ About, Willis?” every time Teresa opens her mouth.
She gets to put those skills to good use as Teresa and Melissa debate Big foreheads vs. Little foreheads. Right about then I realized that cousin Kathy was sitting on the couch, too. She’s a quiet little thing, just sitting there all wide eyed working on her dessert recipes between takes.
In an uncomfortably awkward moment, Andy pulls out the big guns and runs a clip of the Christening premiere episode, when the entire Italian military was involved in the Reception War. It was one of those itchy moments when you realize that some of this reality stuff actually involves real kids and old people, and you feel a little guilty that you watched a little girl crying about her family falling apart.
When they cut back to the gang, it was as if the teleprompter had temporarily lost power and the crew couldn’t find the generator. Everyone just sat there looking around, waiting for something to happen. That is totally when Danielle should have come in, but it didn’t happen again. I think I might be getting my hopes up.
To lighten the mood, we get to see the Dance ReMix versions of funny Jersey accents and Melissa thanking the Baby Jesus. Luckily, whacky Joiseyisms and Melissa giving thanks for Rolex watches are the Gifts that Keep on Giving, with no end in sight.
And speaking of gifts, Andy jumps right into the topic of Christmas presents and bankruptcy, two things that never seem to go away at the Giudice home.
Ever since her greasy husband Joe’s first mug shot, Teresa has had a hard time both in dealing with, and explaining, exactly what is really going on over there. Even though every news outlet in the world has covered the story, and half of her financial baggage is public knowledge if anyone actually knew where their town halls were located, Teresa always shrugs and smiles like she’s getting her passport photo taken. She scoffs at material things, blinks her glitter eyes, tugs on her bangs and says it’s all good.
Yoda Manzo jumps in with that Family Thing again, and then smells something funny.
Yeah. Again.
We watch the clip of Christmas morning at the Giudice’s, and it still looks like the warehouse at FAO Schwartz. Too bad that pink Mercedes isn’t a little bigger, because Joe could use it to cross the border when the Feds show up at the house next week.
Teresa also has to stumble her way through why she slammed the entire Jewish race this season as she tries to understand the difference between an iPod Touch and an iPhone.
It’s not an easy life she leads.
The whole debt thing just spirals into husband vs. husband, and Mean Girl vs. Mean Girl. Kathy finally looks up from her recipe book when she hears them mention her husband Richie. From what I gathered this week, everyone who lives in New Jersey either makes pizzas or flips houses. Suddenly everyone was getting help and advice from everyone else on how to flip homes, but somehow it all came back to Joe Giudice being a Tool.
The Housewives all kept up the Toddlers & Tiaras finger pointing as they bullied Teresa about her bankruptcy fraud charges. Except it turns out that it was all in her head, just like 99% of what she accuses them of saying and doing, because none of them ever wanted to get into the middle of that hot mess.
But it’s all good.
Teresa is cool as a whistle, which is a term that doesn’t even show up in Google. What does that even mean? Is the fresh air circulation even working in that theater?
I guess we’ll have a week to ponder those heavy questions until Part Two.
Another hour of this school age nonsense?
Thank you, Baby Jesus.
