Pop Quiz.
What two extremely important things did we learn on this week’s Botox filled episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Anyone?
1. It takes a lot of needles for women in Beverly Hills to look good.
2. If Kelsey Grammer ever runs into any of these women in a back alley, he’s a dead man. And when they take his body to the morgue, he will probably be wearing women’s underwear.
Though we only got to witness the former this week, I think it is a pretty safe bet to assume that both would be equally as painful to view.
Thankfully we were only subjected to sharp needles in soft tissue this week, and were spared the spectacle of Frasier in a Victoria’s Secret seamless Little Cheekini.
It was “Paul’s Night of Beauty” at his Nip/Tuck office, and all the girls were invited over for enough Restylane and Dysport to pump up all the tires at Jiffy Lube. Fresh off Spa Day at Adrienne’s in-home sanctuary, Paul used the opportunity to one up his wife (his greatest passion in life next to lip implants…) and bring everyone together for some much needed facial inflation.
Kyle, recently coming off the post-lift trauma of seeing her bloated mother in law’s face wrapped up like a sixth grader’s Mummy costume, was understandably a little spooked by all the needles and puncture wounds and chose to do the less invasive laser beam treatment to break up her jiggly overhang. She was feeling self conscious about her size 2 waistline creeping over the top of her designer jeans, and figured she could alienate 90% of all the women in America and get skinny at the same time.
Taylor, to prevent being mistaken for a Halloween door knocker, chose to have her cheeks filled out a little bit. Her deeply contoured cheeks are either genetic or the result of never actually putting solid food in her mouth…the jury is still out on that one, although Lisa insists on keeping track of Taylor’s eating habits like she was her Jenny Craig sponsor.
Camille skipped the whole shindig due to Kelsey having recently filed papers to go after full custody of their children. That is one sloppy divorce and any day the girls get to do a little Kelsey bashing is a good day.
In a scene that gave me bad acid flashbacks to my high school Drivers Ed class, Kim calls in to Paul’s office from her car to explain why she is late.
Again.
Slurring and mumbling like she was a Mr. Magoo cartoon, Kim’s train of thought…and car…were all over the place.
I pity the poor Bravo camera guy who drew the short straw on that remote shot, because his life must have been flashing in front of his eyes as Kim looked everywhere but straight ahead. I’m not really sure why her car even has a steering wheel now that you mention it, because I don’t think her hands ever actually made contact with the thing during the entire drive to Paul’s office.
Her biggest concern is Karma, because she is afraid that the previous rude comments she made about Taylor’s puffy Blowfish mouth at a dinner party will come back to haunt her and she will end up with those vintage Warner Brothers animated googlie ogglie lips.
Lisa takes a break from the restaurant and graces the office with her presence, but is only there to watch everyone else get smoothed and injected since she has to work with the public and can’t be all swollen and spongy when she’s filling water glasses.
Plus Giggy likes her lips just the way they are, thank you. Kisses.
When Kim finally shows up, she is still in full Magoo Mode. On top of the issues she has with fat lips and Karma, she is now also suddenly concerned about the seance that Kyle has arranged for the girls.
Kim, being the Master of multiple personalities and excuse making is trying to squirm her way out of the psychic party. She’s afraid that spirits from the Other Side will come into her body and take over her brain. She’s afraid that it’s against her religion, which is news to sister Kyle. She goes all Magoo on Kyle and Lisa for a few minutes, and right when they are about to lose it on her, she bolts for the treatment room for some injections.
Before Paul can give her the Angelina Jolie pout she has been begging for, he asks about her medical history. After listing off more prescription drugs than you can find behind the counter at Walgreen’s, it doesn’t take a detective to figure out that a little thing called drug interaction may be part of what makes her so delightfully loopy. But it’s not Paul’s place to judge anyone but his own wife, so he moves on to some face spackle and tries to work miracles on Kim.
While Lisa is hanging with the girls, she receives an email from Russell Armstrong on her Barbie iPad. Having Russell show up on a seance episode is a little creepy and prophetic, but at the time no one gave it a thought. He still swears that Lisa is responsible for leaking dirt to the press about his crumbling marriage with Taylor, so he emails her one of those junior high “we’re not breaking up and everything is good and I’ll see you at the dance” kind of notes. Lisa finds it odd. So do the other girls, but they can’t raise their eyebrows to prove it.
And then it’s time to speak with those who have crossed over to the Other Side.
Rebecca the psychic medium shows up at Kyle’s to get the party started. Some of the girls are uncomfortably obsessed with psychics, while others are just uncomfortable and think of them along the lines of Life Coaches for the Dead. But we’re not here to judge.
The house was full of spirits, according to Rebecca and her Star Trek Communicator.
No lie. She walked around Kyle’s home searching for magnetic ghost resonances with the exact same little transponder that Captain Kirk used to point at things when he was making sure they weren’t full of Klingon radiation. I swear I’m not making it up. Check Hulu.
Speaking of things you don’t see much of anymore…for no apparent reason other than knowing Kyle…Faye Resnick is back.
Faye is the poster child for questionable plastic surgery, and was last seen at Camille’s psychic party where she pretty much threw down with some of the girls. Best known for spreading rumors at the O.J. Simpson trial and then quickly spreading her legs in Playboy while the publicity was still hot, Faye didn’t have much to add this time around.
She pretty much just sat there like an aging Toddlers & Tiaras princess wondering where her youth went while the rest of the girls got to hear what the Other Side had to say. No little diva Mackenzie outbursts or nuthin. (“You are driving me nuts…!” PS…they’re back in December. Set your DVR.)
Poor Faye. At least they had good snacks.
It was typical psychic mumbo jumbo as each girl got a little snippet or hollah from Beyond. Apparently even the Dead have a sense of humor and like to smack talk about Kelsey, because one of the ghosts even managed to get the whole women’s underwear thing out in the open again. Poor Kelsey and his size 14 pumps.
Finally it was back to the world of the living as Kyle dropped by Kim’s house and got the bomb dropped on her about Kim’s secret love affair. Yup. Kim finally ‘fessed up about the dude she has been dating for over a year and let Kyle know that she is moving outta Dodge to be with her new cowboy.
Kyle was either still really upset about her Muffin Top, or her mothering instincts kicked back in, because she cried a lot when she got the news. She doesn’t think this is going to end well at all.
As the credits rolled, Kim did everything but toss doggie treats through the doorway in the hopes that Kyle would chase them into the house and go meet the Mystery Man.
My psychic powers tell me we’ll have to wait until next time to see how this all plays out.
