I’m just here for the snacks and the Kelsey Bashing.
I’ve lost all respect for Adrienne…and Mexican food.
If this was Jersey I would smack you upside the head, bitch.
This is Beverly Hills, bitch. Have your assistant smack her.
Best. Job. Ever. Take that, Seacrest.
Check your mailbox.
You should have already received your invitation to the super über extended version of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion Show.
Stuck in between the Neiman’s catalog, your Restylane auto delivery shipment and the bill for your new Louboutins should be an embossed Bravo invite for three solid weeks of excessively dramatic excess.
High style and high tension, with perfumed air so thick that you could blot up the nervous flop sweat with $100 bills. The only problem was that the invite didn’t clarify whether we should wear blinged out $25,000 sunglasses or protective eyewear from Home Depot for the inevitable cat fight throw downs.
The Wives were back together, with one noticeably missing piece of the Crazy Puzzle, to relive every moment of the past season.
Right as we started, something was missing.
As Andy Cohen smirked and shifted around in that grade school boy who just saw his first boobie kind of way that makes him so endearing, you knew something was up.
To his left Kyle, Taylor and Adrienne were seated like Beverly Hills royalty, all futzing with their hair and trying to figure out how to daintily cross their legs while pivoting on those ridiculously gravity defying stilettos they always wear.
To his right were Lisa and Camille…and a big pile of pillows.
In all honesty, it took me about 3 minutes into the show before I realized that the pillows were actually pillows, and not Kim slumped all over the sofa. Even though every media outlet aside from Animal Planet had already reported that Kim had checked herself into an Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Center days before the taping, I forgot for a minute and and wondered why her dress had such enormous tassels.
Then I realized they were pillows and it all made more sense.
I guess Andy knew they were pillows before I did, because right out of the gate Reality Boy asked Kyle how Kim was doing and if she would mind giving both the chemical makeup and street value of the substance that had spiraled her sister into rehab.
Needless to say, that led to the evening’s first uncomfortably awkward span of dead air.
So long and awkward that I half expected the production booth to pipe in elevator muzac just to break the tension as Andy’s eyes darted around like the guy who sits in that really tall chair at Wimbledon.
Kyle tossed it to Kim, who would have to get back to Andy on that one.
Obviously Andy had a load of questions for the Wives. The three week time frame was a pretty good clue, as was the stack of flashcards in his lap. Since I figured he was not studying up for his mid terms, through the process of elimination I guessed that we were all in it for the long haul.
Like any good bartender, Andy served the lite beer first before hitting us hard with shots of tough love.
Adrienne, decked out in what I believe was either a one sleeved SuperHero costume or the dress the girl with the baton always wears at the start of the parade route, got to relive her classic Soap the Chicken scene.
I said Soap. Not Choke. This is a family site, thank you. Dysfunctional family…but family. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Somehow that seamlessly transitioned into a discussion on Lisa’s big butt and whether she had work done on it, or simply wore her dresses way too tight.
Voting is still open on that one.
Lisa also had to justify spending less than one million dollars…but more than $500 and less than $500,00 and probably more than $7124…gah…just spit it out, woman…on daughter Pandora’s over the top Pink Barbie Princess wedding. She tried to peg most of the excess on Sweet & Sour Wedding Planner Kevin Lee, who we got to see in some kind of a John Travolta flashback/dream sequence as Kevin strutted down the walkway looking like the fiercest Tony Manero evah picking up his dry cleaning during the Saturday Night Fever opening credits.
Bling Bling Bling Bling Bling, Dahling.
Then Andy finally started getting to the good stuff and asked about tension between former next door neighbors Lisa and Adrienne. That’s more like it, dude.
Before our eyes the two Wives morphed into Mean Girls in the cafetorium and went off on each other about how Lisa called Adrienne’s dog Jackpot ”Crackpot.” On Twitter even. Bitch.
And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa didn’t want the Bachelorette Party to be held at her Palms Casino. And Adrienne was hurt that Lisa called her new shoe line The Maloof Hoof. And…And…
Camille spoke up and agreed that it was a little mean to call Adrienne’s feet hooves, and Lisa point/counter pointed that she liked the shoes. The little fat shoes.
Then Adrienne made that sound that a balloon makes when the very last squirt of air comes out before it goes totally limp.
Honestly, if Adrienne could actually walk in those things you know she would have jumped to the other couch and stuck a hoof spike into Lisa’s overly lined eyeball. (Lined in white, on the inner bottom rim. That makes your eyes look whiter. Duh. The More You Know. Knowledge is Power, kids.)
As long as they were Lisa bashing, they all gave their thoughts on Kyle’s “Lisa preys on the weak” comment, which had been originally spoken in an attempt to cheer up Taylor and hopefully pull her in off the ledge during one of her many meltdowns. Lisa didn’t appreciate that at all.
And I know that Taylor has gone through a horrible, emotionally devastating time that I wouldn’t wish on anyone…but I think her lips were on upside down the whole time.
Andy fidgeted more than normal, fumbled through his rolodex for an easy one and then changed the subject to Beverly Hills Bling to break the tension.
As I rolled quarters to pay next month’s rent, I got to hear about Adrienne’s $100,000 home spa, Lisa’s Valentino dress that cost more than all those vaccines Sally Struthers used to cry about, and Label Whore Dana’s $25,000 sunglasses.
Yeah. Those again.
Kyle thought it was ridiculous, but I didn’t see any H&M tag hanging off her gown either, if you know what I mean.
Then it was back to heavy hitters as Andy finally brought up the suicide of Russell Armstrong and how it has effected everyone.
Taylor held it together pretty well, I gotta admit. You go, girl. Stronger and stronger.
She talked about how handy it is to have her shrink, Dr. “No Sock” Sophy on speed dial, and how they speak every day and…yes…he is a real doctor even though he got his degree at a different kind of place and has a different kind of title on his name tag and doesn’t wear socks that much. But whatever works. Not everyone can ride Oprah’s coat tail to Dr. Stardom.
Camille admitted that she didn’t feel the show should have aired this season which probably made Andy do a thick, nervous swallow. But it did.
And Watch What Happens Live is now 5 days a week.
So there, haters.
They all got into a pretty heavy discussion on how the show may have actually saved Taylor’s life, and by doing so didn’t paint a very nice picture of Russell. It did give Camille a chance to slam Kelsey Grammer a little, which is obviously something on her daily to-do list. Blondie don’t take crap anymore…but she can still dish it out. I love her.
The whole British Tea Party from Hell mess came front and center again, and Camille defended her decision to say “IT,” which had resulted in Russell’s retina burning texts and law suit threatening email. There was still some confusion as to whether Taylor really knew about the email before it happened, and both Adrienne and Camille blurted out that Brandi had told them that Taylor said she was in the loop.
During the heated debate, Brandi was still out in the Green Room squishing her boobs into another signature strapless, so she wasn’t there to defend herself one way or the other. That’ll be fun next week.
Just to make sure all the pigs were rolling in the mud as the first hour finished up, Andy switched gears and put Lisa and Adrienne in the ring again by unleashing the Lisa vs. Bernie the Chef controversy.
Seems Lisa may have said some not so nice things about Bernie and his dry Mexican food. I guess Lisa felt it was too ethnic for whatever reason if that even makes any sense, and she had gone and allegedly told someone.
Her Spanish housekeeper, maybe?
Or the Colombian crew that does her landscaping?
Lisa claims all she did was comment that there was no food by the time she got to Adrienne’s and that is what she said.
Ok. If you live ACROSS the street from Adrienne, and still can’t get your lazy, bigger than last year butt over there in time for dinner before the food is all gone….I mean…seriously. Is it just me? How does that even happen? If people are blogging that your butt looks bigger than it did last season than it probably wouldn’t kill you to skip a meal anyway.
Sometimes I just don’t get rich people. They be crazy.
Then the whole thing just fell apart as the argument spun off course from Bernie’s illegal immigrant burritos to Lisa getting paid to gossip.
Adrienne didn’t believe that Lisa had never sold a story to the tabloids, which was one of Russell’s biggest issues with Mrs. Vanderpump all along this season. Radar Online got a lot of press, good/bad/or otherwise, as Adrienne accused Lisa of making a profit off leaking info to their reporters, to which she obviously denied doing while nervously flipping her bangs.
Camille chimed in that she was also told Lisa did that kind of shady stuff, and probably would have snarked on Kelsey again if Lisa hadn’t flipped out and called it character assassination and some other stuff that got (bleeped) out.
Housewives….meet Mob Wives. (Bleep) is still (bleep) even if you’re wearing (bleepin’) Valentino.
Lisa lost respect for Adrienne for saying that, Adrienne gave a half hearted apology and I think Andy may or may not have had a little nervous pee.
As bait to reel us all back in next time, Brandi came out just long enough to diss Eddie Cibrian. I believe that her contract specifically states that she gets one jab for every two that Camille gets in on Kelsey. Have someone from Legal check my facts.
As soon as Brandi sat down, Kyle’s back fur stood up like an alley cat that just sniffed some low class behind the dumpster, but we’re going to have to wait until next time to see what happens.
The love fest ended with Kyle sneering at Brandi, Adrienne and Lisa grinding their teeth and Camille wondering how much she could get if she puts another house on the market when Kelsey isn’t looking, all while Andy just sat there oozing that delightfully effervescent mix of boyish charm and gossipy nail tech.
Girrrllll….it’s getting good. I need me some snacks before it hits the fan.
See you at Part 2.
