Diaries Magazine

School Holidays Hell

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
Oh. My. God.
School Holidays....yes I know I've already ranted and raved and complained about them.  But I have more whining to do.  Okay?
So this last week, #1 Hubby has been packing for Bali.  Asshole Maximus.  I have spent the week seething silently.  Total passive agressive of me, I know.
Poor #1 Hubby, it's not his fault that his company has these stupid conferences in lovely, warm, tropical destinations.  It's just his fault that - as a senior employee - he hasn't managed to have someone else fired so I can work there and come with.
Seriously, there was a job going at his previous employer - you should've seen the look of panic on his face when I said I might apply.  He just about shit himself.  Because I was well and truly qualified for the job, and the company in question didn't have a problem with spouses working together.  It was one of my finest moments, and I took much joy out of sitting on the laptop for the rest of the day, typing away on Facebook, while he thought I was updating my CV and writing my application letter.
Screwing with each other is what keeps the magic alive after 15 years, no?
Anywho, back to school holidays.  While #1 Hubby has spent the past few days packing, I have been watching the seconds tick down until school starts again - in 1 1/2 weeks.  Yes, I'm already counting down, and we're only a few days into the holidays.
School Holidays Hell
Bit harsh, willing away my time at home with all 3 kids?  Not really.  Because here's what's happened since Sunday :
Miss5 taught the twins how to draw on the windows with permanent marker.  Then left the room while they moved from the windows to the tiles on the floor.  The on to the glass topped table.  And finally, on to each other.  With permanent marker.
The twins got into the pantry and emptied out everything not in a can.  Seriously, anything at all that they could reach and open, it was spread over the kitchen floor.  Miss5 laughed insanely, because she likes it when they get in trouble.  I'm pretty sure she even handed them extra supplies from the shelves they couldn't reach.
They all ate a healthy amount of Playdoh.  Which I didn't realize at the time, only once the food chain completed its full cycle and I was greeted with red, green and blue nappies.  Very Pro Hart of them.
I have a bruised arse after taking a dive on the tidal wave of bath water they were happily decanting on to the bathroom floor, along with the contents of the expensive shampoo - to add insult to injury, they were wasting my shampoo, not their cheap kiddy stuff.
School Holidays Hell
And all of that is just since Sunday.  So you can understand why I'm counting down the hours until school starts again.  For some reason my kids go extra ultra feral when they are all together, like on school holidays.  Which is a good enough reason to try and farm them out to distant relatives on different corners of the globe, right?
So now I am down to flashing a pic of Mr T at them every time they misbehave.  Because he seems to scare them more than I do.
School Holidays Hell
No shit, this is literally what I am threatening them with.
School holidays suck.  If it wasn't for Macca's and Vodka, I would surely be institutionalised by now.

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