It is one of the more embarrassing traditions of Fenway Park. Decades after it long went out of fashion, clueless fans continue to do "The Wave" during games. While Sox ownership has privately expressed their dismay, Call of the Green Monster has learned that a secret plan is in place to deal with the problem.
A tape from a recording device placed in Larry Lucchino's office indicates that the Sox worked during the recent roadtrip to install devices on each seat that can deliver a mild to extreme electric shock. The device will work from remote control, and the plan is that when a fan first stands and initiates the obnoxious Wave, upon sitting down they will receive a mild shock.
"At first it probably won't register with these knuckleheads that they are being shocked for doing The Wave," Lucchino can be heard telling John Henry and Tom Werner. "But with each subsequent turn, the shocks will increase in intensity. The maximum shock will be slightly less than lethal, though it's hard to gauge that with complete accuracy."
When Tom Werner expressed concern about fans being hurt, Lucchino became incredulous. "So what if they get carried away in a stretcher, that's kind of the point, isn't it? We're getting clobbered by other teams on a regular basis and we have brain dead fans celebrating. We start getting rid of these nitwits one by one, until eventually we have a wave-free park. Then we get to work on "Sweet Caroline".
"Wait a minute," John Henry can be heard saying. "Last year I was doing The Wave, and I seem to remember getting buzzed a few times myself."
"We had to test it on someone, John," Lucchino replies, "and...I've noticed you're not doing it any more."
