It’s so much better than sex. You get way more than one person will ever need…and they double bag it so it never breaks open in your back seat.
All I know is this family eats and talks a lot of Biscuits.
OMG. Enough mustard for a small country? I literally just Oooo’d myself right here in the condiment aisle.
Redneck Clean-up. Aisle 4. Bring a mop.
You know how the old saying goes. Chew on the Nips…a Lifetime on the Hips. Or sumthin…
Pthffffft. Hot Dogs are ready, girls.
I just need to undo the top button on my pants and catch my breath.
It’s true, you know. What they say.
The second date is almost always better than the first. You’ve already been introduced, gotten to know each other a little better and can now let your guard down and be yourself. You can leak a few family secrets, or maybe even leak a few bodily functions.
Just don’t get too comfortable too soon unless you’re prepared for some seriously jaw-dropping moments that could potentially scar both your retinas and your plasma screen.
And never go past second base or show your Forklift Toe until at least the third date.
That’s right. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back for a second round of Redneckosity and…love ‘em or hate ‘em…the relationship definitely got a little more intimate.
Personally, I love me some Boo Boo. I don’t know why. I just do.
Probably for the same reason that I keep going to Walmart even though I don’t need anything in the store. It’s cheaper than Six Flags, the snacks are better and you come away with enough memories and emotional scars to last a lifetime.
Anyway. Now that we all had a week or so to digest both their lifestyle, and the equivalent of a military surplus plane’s cargo drop of cheese balls, it was time to get down and dirty with Alana Thompson and her backwood crazy a** family.
And not just in the mud.
Mom June Shannon, best known for her substantial girth and her equally balanced mirth, is also pretty dadgummed famous for being Reality TV’s Coupon Queen.
And this week we got to see how the Pros do it when all the Boo Boo Girls (…didn’t they just perform at the Olympic Closing Cermonies?…) hit up the local Piggly Wiggly to count and clip their way into a coupon frenzy. As Mom explained, the Coupon EX-Games are like sex, only better. Way better.
Proudly cheap, and already fully stocked with enough free toilet paper to wipe the Too-Tay of every resident in her town through 2018, June grabbed her wad of Sunday clippings and entered the store like a chubby gladiator going into battle. If the Piggly doors weren’t already automatic sliders I’ll bet you anything they would have parted like the Red Sea regardless.
June had arrived, and Piggly Wiggly stock took a 21 point dip before she even got Alana behind the shopping cart. It was on.
Like watching Schoolhouse Rock on a television with tin foil on the bunny ears, we witnessed the distribution of nutritional fun facts, the demonstrating of questionable mathematic skills and the kind of pre-planned attack that is usually reserved for storming third world countries as June quizzed Alana on every purchase before dumping 42 boxes of whatever into the cart.
Girlfriend knows her shizzle.
I hate Ramen noodles. But for free? Hell, yeah those 10 boxes would be coming home with Daddy.
Pumpkin on the other hand, was not quite as captivated by Mom’s coupon magic act and instead took to standing in an empty shopping cart pretending she was one of the Pussycat Dolls at the Macy’s Parade until both she and the float missed that turn on 34th Street and dumped backwards into the kettle chip display.
The first WTF Moment of the episode (…don’t even try to count them all…) came when a container of Rust Remover was discovered in the cleaning aisle. By itself, the item didn’t warrant a coupon or an informercial, but when it was discovered that the product could remove Mom’s neck crust…well…that was a game changer.
Shout out to the trigger fingered TLC cameraman who managed to zoom in on June’s donut neck for the freeze framed close-up shot so quickly that no one in America had time to look away. Think of your home siding after you’ve spent all afternoon power-washing in the hot sun, and then you lift up one strip of vinyl and find all the woogies that have been there since you closed on the house 42 years ago.
Yeah. Neck crust.
Sunday I am going to church to light a candle and thank the Lord that nobody found a bottle of Draino, and move on to the next subject.
Since Teen Mom Chickadee was about to pop out another Boo Boo, everyone was in full on Baby Shower mode. Mom and Alana were painting up those wooden letters you buy at Michael’s to spell out Kaitlyn Elizabeth‘s name while Glitzy the Pig sniffed and snuffed all over the bed.
As you’ll recall, through the magic of strip mall ultrasound, everyone had already seen little Kaitlyn’s Bisquit, so they knew in advance that it was going to be a girl. Besides offering convenient curb side parking and determining the sex of the child, the ultrasound tech had also managed to ruin any chance I have of ever enjoying strawberry shortcake again without throwing up in my mouth a little.
While we’re still on the subject, I’m also going to assume that if you don’t see a Bisquit during the ultrasound, you must see the Pillsbury Doughboy staring back at you like someone trapped on the Other Side of a Poltergeist television set.
Arts & Crafts always makes everyone over heat, so the gang headed outside for some Redneck Water Slide action. (Six Flags…are you listening? That’s two things more fun than you already.)
Since Dad Sugar Bear was off flooding the cranberry chalk bog (…will someone please tell me how they mine chalk and what that even means…) the Boo Boo Girls all hosed down a conveniently located plastic tarp, oiled it up with either soap or dish detergent or WD-40 and got their bootleg Six Flags slide on.
You ever try to cook Thanksgiving dinner and completely loose your grip on the bird and can’t figure out how to pick it back up off the kitchen floor? The more you grab for it, the slimier it gets until it shoots into the living room or out the front door?
It was like that.
I love these guys.
But since Alana is first and foremost a Pageant Princess and not a holiday tradition, it was time to practice. And where does a mini diva go to learn how to shake and spread her legs like Elvis? (Elvis the Singer, not Elvis the Elf. Alana was a little foggy on that one.)
Deevas Dance Studio. Der.
Looking exactly like the place you used to stop at on the highway when you were little to buy Indian moccasins and whatever those tambourine-looking spirit wind catchers were called, Deevas was all pine knots and booty pops.
Run by Amanda Carter, who is apparently a big deal in the pageant/wind catcher world, the studio was June’s first choice to choreograph Alana’s new Rock & Roll routine.
Remember that girl in high school who tried to frost her own ‘do on a lonely Friday night and pulled too much hair through the cap? And then she ended up with giant slabs of bleached out stripes all over the place and tried to pass it off as something she saw in Cosmo?
And then she went to the Mall on the day that Lancôme had their Big City cosmetologist at the counter and got made up like she was going to Mardi Gras but then just wore the makeup all day and tried to pass it off as something she saw in Vogue?
And then she put a plastic bag over her head so she didn’t mess up all that hard work and then somehow managed to pull a pink t-shirt on over her head like Celine Dion does backstage at Vegas without getting any lipstick on her teeth?
Brown lipstick, I believe.
Remember her? No reason. Just asking.
Deevas. It was Beautimous.
After ingesting enough cheese balls to feed most of Asia last week, Mom and the girls had decided to go on a diet and it now was time for the week #3 progress report.
If you took The Biggest Loser and filmed it in a barn, you pretty much got what went down on Weigh In Day as the Boo Boo Girls each stepped up for the tally. Chubbs and June both lost a few pounds, while Pumpkin somehow mystically absorbed their fat molecules from across the room. It may have had less to do with magic and more to do with her constant mouthful of anything that didn’t move in the house, but regardless, she was going in the wrong direction.
To balance out the Boo Universe, as Chubbs was sucking in fat, Glitzy the Pig decided to toot some out and began leaving a trail of piglet poo all over the dining room table.
Yeah. I said dining room table. Like the one you eat off of when you’re not snacking on stray cheese balls in the couch cushions.
Now as any good Toddlers & Tiaras expert knows, when a little princess suddenly has to go wee right before she goes on stage, it’s the Mom or Dad’s job to pick her up and run through the ballroom like she’s a ticking ACME bomb about to go off in the Coyote’s face.
But for some reason when a teacup pig has to make a doodie, everyone just gathers around and watches like a butterfly is somehow going to emerge from that fuzzy cocoon.
I dunno. All I know is that I’m never eating at their house, no matter how much they beg me to come over. A sexually ambiguous boy pig wearing a dress shouldn’t be dropping his stuff all over the table. That’s where I draw the line.
Luckily they had 783 rolls of Brawny on hand to sop up the oink doink, and still managed to get to the baby shower on time, where the highlight was June and Sugar Bear doing that baby bottle chugging contest everyone always does at Teen Mom baby showers.
If it was good enough to get you knocked up, it’s good enough for a party game, I guess.
As 5 year old cousin Bryan looked on in disbelief, June managed to bite the end of the nipple right off the bottle, swallow it whole and then spew up whatever they were chugging all over the opposite wall.
Yeah. The opposite wall.
Speaking of power-washing. She’s a keeper.
No wonder Shugie has been with her for 8 years. Unmarried years. Sorry. Spoiler Alert.
To prep for the upcoming pageant and their first ever anniversary/date night, June next took the girls to a local day spa for some facials and foot stuff.
You need to find time to watch the reaction of the salon girl who kept coming on camera looking as though she had just heard the truth about Santa Claus.
Call in sick. Or quit your job, it’s that good. Just watch it. Over and over.
She was all like…umm…ahh…yeah. They were…it…she was. And I’ve never…they were…their personalities. Umm. I can’t feel the left side of my face and my vision is kinda blurry. Is that you, Grandma? I’m coming.
By the time it was revealed that June had a gnarly toe due to a warehouse forklift accident I almost blacked out.
Seriously. If we get some new foot fact every week I’m going to have to be sedated.
(Remember, last week on T&T we found out that gay Uncle Poodle was completely missing one toe due to a lawnmower or ninja attack or something.)
I need to know how much they pay those mani/pedi techs…because it ain’t enough. Not even close.
Date night at Crockett’s Cafeteria was a hoot. How Sugar Bear can keep a wad of chewing tobacco on his face all day and never notice is beyond me, but he did. There was enough syrup and sauce and chew juice dripping on that table to raise the humidity outside a few degrees, but it was clear they loved each other and even leaned in to either steal a kiss or lap up some goo.
Romance is alive in McIntyre.
We finished off our second week with the Boo Boos with a visit to Lucy Lu’s Boutique to pick out a new pageant dress for Alana. Seems that all the free food doesn’t come with free calories because she no longer fit in her old pink Anderson Cooper Show dress.
Owner Lacey Jowers gave us an impromptu lesson on how you create a pageant dress, which was not as captivating as the History Channel’s story on how they built the Statue of Liberty, but still kind of fun to watch. I really liked her.
I didn’t realize how they start out with a boring dress and then build it bigger and better like you would do with LEGOs when you make a rocket ship. Except they use special “Sparkle, Baby” Swarovski LEGOs and it requires sticking the kid with Project Runway needles every time she takes a breath.
To reward Glitzy for taking a dump on the dining room table, Lacey Lu Whoo agreed to make a mini version of Alana’s dress that the confused piglet could wear on next season’s RuPaul’s Drag Race.
You better Work, pig.
By the time Glitzy left squealing and wee weeing all the way home, Lacey pretty much stabbed herself in the eye to make it be over.
And then it was.
Y’all come back now.