Diaries Magazine

FFS!? Friday: Sleep Over

By Parentalparody @parental_parody
FFS!? Friday: Sleep over
So we somewhat stupidly and naively decided to drive 5 hours up the coast for the weekend.
Surprisingly, the drive went well. No FFS.
We arrived at dinner time, and while #1Hubby hunted and gathered (went in search of the nearest takeaway) and I kept the home fires burning (tried to find ice for my wine), The Feral Threesome tore shit up, yo. FFS!? Three couples strolled past in the time it took me to put the outdoor setting on the patio.  All of them looked over in horror and picked up the pace to an impressive power walk once they heard the noise emanating from our cabin. FFS!? The cabin sat on stilts and so every toddler footstep sounded like a clap of thunder.  FFS!?
A clap of thunder combined with high pitched screaming (Mstr3) and guttural, primal animal like snarling (Miss3). FFS!? There were 10 beds in our cabin.  I let the kids go nuts and decide if they were sleeping in their own rooms, together, in which beds - the works.  Mostly because I was too buggered to organize or referee, and I really needed to sit down and neck a bottle of wine. 8pm and the herd of elephants running from one end of the cabin to the other continued. FFS!? 9pm and more of the same, but I was onto my second bottle of wine so it was all slightly muffled and a little bit fuzzy, and therefore more bearable and only worthy of a mini-FFS!?
FFS!? Friday: Sleep over 10pm and I drew the line.  The much hyped Feral Threesome were threatened into bed. They chosen to share a room.  Mstr3 in a single bed.  Miss3 in the bottom bunk, Miss7 on the top bunk. Despite their hyped state, they were all silent and asleep soon after. I commenced drooling on the lounge around 11pm. Around 11:20pm I was woken by screaming. I blindly tore through the cabin because of course #1Hubby slept through the tortured screaming. FFS!? All was still, all was silent. I assumed it came from outside and went to bed. Before midnight I heard the very same tortured screaming. Again, I sprang into action like a Mummy Tummy toting ninja. Again, #1Hubby slept through it all. FFS!? Again, all was still, all was silent. WTF? FFS!? And so it continued at least once an hour throughout the night. Until I camped out in the hallway, brandishing my hairspray, ready to maim and/or set the hair of whatever creature has terrified me and kept me awake all night.
FFS!? Friday: Sleep over At around 4:30am I worked out that it was coming from the kids' room.  So I sat in the middle of their room while they slept, blissfully unaware.
Still armed and ready to spray. Miss7 stirred...and bugger me if it wasn't the bastard top bunk bed springs letting out the tortured screaming. FFS!?
TEN BLOODY BEDS IN THE PLACE, AND SHE CHOOSES THE EMO SCREAMER. FFS!? They all managed to sleep through it, so I went to bed and shoved tampons in my ears to muffle the sound.  For real. The Feral Threesome normally wake around 7:30am, later if they've had a big night.  So I was figuring I'd get at least 2 hours, maybe 3, now that I was positive someone wasn't being tortured in my cabin. Can you guess what time they got up? 5 fucking 18am.  Right as I was finally drifting off. FFS!?


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