Current Magazine

DOD Approves Women in Combat, China Makes Plans to Invade U.S. at Low Point of Menstrual Cycle

By Citizenthymes

WASHINGTON D.C.- Conservatives will be touting the ‘I told you so’ swag at the office today.

 

Upon the news the U.S. military will now allow women in combat, top Chinese generals have been working around the clock to plan a U.S. invasion during the military’s menstrual bleeding period.

 

The past 12 hours Chinese generals have been studying the menstrual cycle. General Perv has kept the generals off track by constantly asking where the G spot is.

The past 12 hours Chinese generals have been studying the menstrual cycle. General Perv has kept the generals off track by constantly asking where the G spot is.

“We don’t understand very much about female anatomy, but we do know now, the best time to attack the U.S. is when their military is suffering from menstrual bleeding,” said Senior Colonel Liu Mingfu, a Chinese military officer with the National Defense University.

 

“We believe during menstrual bleeding overall U.S. troop moral will be low, due to the moodiness of their fellow combat troops. Not to mention, the U.S. will be wasting valuable time and resources dropping tampons from the sky in combat zones such as Afghanistan.”

 

Chinese officials have hired top-notch astrologists to read the stars to predict when the U.S. military would suffer from a menstrual bleeding period.

 

“We know that it has to happen within a month, because that is what women are referring to when they say it is their time of the month,” said Liu.

 

“The question our astrologists are trying to answer is what exactly is that time?”

 

News about possible invasion has ordinary U.S. citizens weighing in on the Department of Defense’s recent decision to allow women in combat.

 

Hard to believe this picture  communicates weakness

Hard to believe this picture communicates weakness

“I know it seems like our military is pretty badass with all the nuclear weapons, F-22’s, and drones,” said Bob Remer, a Candler, North Carolina resident.

 

“But now that we have allowed women in combat, the worlds sees us as a bunch of sissies. China wants to invade us now and I hope and pray the largest nuclear stockpile in the world can save us.”

 

Remer suggests recruiting a bunch of male bodybuilders to prove that despite having women, the U.S. military is still strong.

 

“Perhaps the bodybuilders could tweet how much they squat,” said Remer.

 

“Nothing would scare the Chinese like a guy squatting 450 lbs.”

 

Remer blames Hollywood liberals and the stunning performance of Demi Moore in GI Jane for the recent decision to allow women in combat.

 

Will Ryan Gosling bring down the U.S. Military?

Will Ryan Gosling bring down the U.S. Military?

UPDATE- The Chinese government has purchased large screen projectors to play the Notebook during the U.S. invasion.

 

Chinese officials hope the emotions of the Notebook will heighten the debilitating effect of the menstrual bleeding on US combat troops.

 

The U.S. Department of Defense responded quickly by purchasing silencing headphones to block the sweet, sweet voice of Ryan Gosling.


You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Vogue China December 2013 : Savage Grace

    Liu Wen by Mario Testino for Vogue China December 2013 Liu Wen by Mario Testino for Vogue China December 2013 Liu Wen by Mario Testino for Vogue China December... Read more

    The 13 November 2013 by   The Citizens Of Fashion
    FASHION, LIFESTYLE
  • Shu Qi for Vogue China December 2013

    Shu Qi by Mario Testino for Vogue China December 2013Shu Qi by Mario Testino for Vogue China December 2013Shu Qi by Mario Testino for Vogue China December... Read more

    The 13 November 2013 by   The Citizens Of Fashion
    FASHION, LIFESTYLE
  • Revisiting China’s Top 10 Famous Teas

    Earlier we talked about China’s Top 10 Famous Teas which was based on the list compiled by China Agricultural Committee in 1959. Read more

    The 15 November 2013 by   Dchew78
    DRINK, FOOD & DRINK
  • China Connections

    On a recent trip to China, I was prepared to be overwhelmed by the dramatic grand sights – the Great Wall, Forbidden City, Terracotta Warriors, Three Gorges –... Read more

    The 13 November 2013 by   Sandwichedboomers
    FAMILY, RELATIONSHIPS
  • “Dear Fake BrewDog China” An Open Letter From The Real BrewDog

    We brought you the news of a fake BrewDog opening in China…and now an open letter from the Real BrewDog: Recently, we were tipped off about a "new BrewDog... Read more

    The 05 December 2013 by   Mybeerbuzz
    DRINK, FOOD & DRINK
  • China Pledges 8 Billion USD for Ukraine

    Many questioned the wisdom of Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovich’s trip to Bejing at a time when his country was literally imploding but the scrappy politica... Read more

    The 05 December 2013 by   Mendeleyeev
    DESTINATIONS, POLITICS, SOCIETY
  • Puts Change Hands On E-House China Holdings Ltd. As Shares Rise

    Options volume on the stock is more than three times the average daily level, with overall volume above 5,100 contracts versus the average reading of around... Read more

    The 12 December 2013 by   Phil's Stock World
    BUSINESS, ECONOMICS

Add a comment