You might wanna chill, girls. I got this.
I know, right? I can’t explain my awesome hair either. It just kinda happens.
I hate to squeak and freak, but I’ve gotta work the red carpet, shoot a movie and feed My Little Pony.
Look. I still have ice cream on my pants.
Hello, Applebee’s? Please tell me you’re still open. Mama needs a cocktail.
Not gonna lie. Some of those Dance Dads are mighty fine. Mmm Mmm.
Oh Hell No, Bitch. I know you did NOT just get my hair wet.
Lawd have mercy.
Seriously. I had no idea dancing could be so exhausting.
I can’t imagine actually doing it, if just watching it wears me out like this.
Dance Moms just took every show on my DVR and once again mashed them all up into one chaotic, oversized throw down.
We had Real Housewives drama as everyone got all OhNoSheDin’t all up in each other’s faces. We had RuPaul realness as queens threw shade all over the room. We had Mob Wives on the attack as water and knock-off pocketbooks flew every which way. We had Monday Night Football as testosterone fueled Dance Dads fist pumped and chest bumped each other right into the sheetrock. We had Animal Planet as the female of the species tried to sink their fangs into soft fleshy neck tissue to protect their young from outside predators.
And there was definitely some What Not To Wear going on up in there. Just saying.
We even had a Saturday morning cartoon if you count little Sophia Lucia squeaking around Studio A, but she was hardly there long enough to move the needle so she doesn’t really count this time around.
Honestly, if they hadn’t stretched this week’s episode into a 90 minute Abbypalooza, I’m not sure there would have been enough time for any actual dancing. Don’t plan on getting much work done at the office today, because this is a long one.
Coming off of last week’s win, you would think that Abby Lee Miller would be smiling as everyone filed in for the Pyramid of Shame & Supension, but that wasn’t happening. You could tell she was already cranky when she snarked at Brooke for spending the entire ride to the studio uploading pictures to her Instagram page instead of putting her hair up in a bun.
And so it began.
Just to mess with their heads, Abby started the Pyramid from the top down.
Kendall finally made it to the top spot. Finally. Jill did an end zone victory dance and messed her hair up a little more.
Maddie and Nia were hanging in the middle. Better than the bottom, not as good as the top. Nia definitely didn’t appear to be on her game. Stay tuned.
Sitting on the bottom were Paige and Mackenzie. Paige was there just cuz, and Mackadoodle got called out for being Dead Weight. Also on the bottom was a photo of the MIA Chloe, with a big magic marker “Suspended” tagged on her face like gang graffiti on a dumpster.
As you’l recall, Mom Christi had completely melted down last week after argument #974 with Abby and had physically dragged Chloe out of the venue, shoving paparazzi and 9 year old fangirls to the floor as she vowed never to return again.
The Password is: Suspension.
Looks like they got a week off to catch up on homework and buy some more sparkly Chico’s tops.
Since having magic marker scribble on your face isn’t humiliating enough, Abby then taped Brooke’s 8×10 glossy over Chloe’s on the Pyramid, like she never even existed.
At least Brooke finally made it back up on the wall, bun or not.
This week they were headed to Detroit. Motor City. For yet another Starpower competition. And another dance your face-off with their arch rivals, the Candy Apples Male Revue.
Yeah. The boys were back in town again. And judges love them boys. And in case you missed it the first 20 times, Abby once again explained how boys get better scores than the girls, in the hopes that they will continue dancing and not worry about getting wedgies in gym class.
Kendall got another solo, as did Maddie. You remember Maddie, right?
Paige and Nia got a duet. And then everyone got to rehearsing.
As Nia and Paige started getting into their Wild Child & Wallflower routine, we finally got some insight into why Sasha Nia has been dragging her tailpipe this season.
Our little Diva suffers from RND. Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome. A mouthful, and something that had never been discussed in the last three seasons. It’s a neurological disease that basically hurts. A lot. You can Google all the info. It just came out of the blue this week, and we found out that Sasha used to be in a wheelchair for a bit. But she doesn’t let it get her down, and by the middle of the show this week she was getting her LaQuifa What? face back.
You go, girl.
Then we headed to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair. Before you even see the cows you know it’s Ohio, because they always play that Drive-In Movie music as we go inside the Candy Apple’s Dance Center. Literally, I can’t even look at Ohio on a map anymore without wanting to go to the snack bar for a dancing weenie and buttered popcorn.
If you have no idea what a Drive-In Movie theater or a dancing weenie is…please just go do a book report on it or something. I can’t be that old.
Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was plotting the next attack with her new dancing boy toys while she activated her Apple TV video pyramid. It’s way cooler than Abby’s scotch tape presentation, but since it’s only four boys it’s not as impressive as it should be.
Bboy Jalen, Miami Dancing Machine Gino and Zack Attack were all present and accounted for, as well as a newbie Brandon. One of last week’s kids was already missing, but I forget which one. And this time we had three Dance Dads in the hizzle and they were all going off like it was Super Bowl Sunday.
And you know that Zack’s Mom Gina was loving it. She’s not a trouble maker, and even back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition she pretty much just sat back and let that Jennifer Lopez Mom slap the crazy right out of Yvette. But what Dance Mom wouldn’t want to have three dudes fight over who’s gonna open the limo door for you?
Bring it on, boys. Mama likes.
The boys routine was all about a mystery girl they see in a magazine who gets them so tightly wound that they have to spin on their heads and dance like One Direction. It reminded me of the first time you found your Dad’s Playboy and disappeared for two hours in the treehouse. TMI?
While the boys practiced looking at girls in magazines (…insert your own tasteless joke here_________ ) the girls were back in Pittsburgh working on their Mountain Avalanche dance. Nia’s foot was starting to act up again, and Mom Holly was getting concerned.
I actually thought it might be aching like your joints do when a storm front is moving in, or when animals go totally spaz before an earthquake, because next thing you know…in walked Sophia and Mom Jackie, fresh from the movie shoot or photo shoot or modeling shoot or crap shoot or whatever Witness Protection shoot they’ve been on for the last three weeks.
They’re baaaaaack.
But only for about 23 minutes, so don’t get too excited. But it was long enough for Jackie to squirm around during one of Abby’s screaming fits, for Sophia to start trending on Twitter and for Kelly to pump Jackie for all her Hollywood contacts. Then they were gone again.
If only the pain in Nia’s foot would disappear as easily.
As Kendall started her first crying episode of the week, Nia finally couldn’t take it anymore (…the pain, not Kendall’s weekly crying jag…) and headed to the doctor’s to see wassup with her RND.
Clearly it must have been an intern she and Mom met with, because the medical professional told her it was ok to go back to the dance studio as long as she didn’t dance too much, which didn’t even make sense. You can dance as long as you don’t dance, ok honey? Have a lollipop.
But Sasha is a fighter, and she’s gonna work through it like a boss.
Finally, it was Showtime!
I’ll say it again. The entrances into the venues are more entertaining than the actual competitions lately.
The Candy Apples brigade arrived in a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stretch limo that almost sideswiped the ALDC Enterprise rental van. As Abby and Cathy entered the auditorium they were once again greeted by all those Justin Bieber girls holding up iPads and Hello Kitty cells, screaming like their roller coaster just lost its brakes.
Abby bellied right up to the Boy Bar and started pointing out that none of the Candy Apples team was actually from Ohio, which set Dad Rick off like a bottle rocket.
Since they don’t wear name tags, I’m assuming he’s Jalen’s Dad, because he hugged him at one point. But regardless, he and Abby got all up in each other’s grill and started talking trailer trash s*** until Melissa broke it up.
Seriously. Richard’s a bigger bitch than half the women on the show.
You can talk to your wife like that, but not to me. I don’t talk to my wife like that, because she doesn’t talk to children like that. What’s your point? What’s your point?
Honestly, if this was Days of Our Lives they would have made out right there in the lobby. Hot, sloppy, angry dance teacher kind of make out.
But luckily it’s not, and they all headed to their dressing rooms. Except Cathy became disoriented and went right into the ALDC room and got everyone all worked up again.
Abby and Holly went a few rounds as well, and Professor Frazier called Abby a Monstrosity of Evil, which I believe is a Japanese film. Then Abby pulled the duet because Holly was being a RickBitch and nobody speaks to Abby like that. Holly ended up in the ladies room with Kelly, sobbing her eyes out and getting mad that she even allowed Abby to get under her skin at all.
Then somebody remembered that it was a dance show, and the kids did their thang on one of those bar mitzvah hotel dance floors. Originally I thought it was an auditorium, but then I saw that the room was set up exactly the same way they set up the Ramada for pageants on Toddlers & Tiaras, so I have no clue where this thing was going down.
All I know is that nobody could see around Abby because all the seats were floor level pricing.
And don’t get me started on the Wild Dance Intensive backdrop. Total Jungle Love.
For a dance competition? Trees and safari decor and so much busy Amazon artwork that any kid who was wearing a green costume completely disappeared like a chameleon on a rain forest leaf. Who comes up with these things?
Kendall’s solo was pretty tame. Gino’s solo looked like we all went back in a time machine and watched baby Marc Anthony on a Telemundo talent show.
Maddie’s solo was a Maddie solo. She likes to hold both sides of her head a lot when she dances. I give you the Migraine Mambo. Judges?
In the Candy Apples locker room, the Dads got the boys all pumped up for their Playboy routine like it was bottom of the 4th quarter and there was no beer left in the cooler. I think Gina was a little turned on.
Zack even channeled Tom Brady and Peyton Manning during his backstage motivational speech.
If the power grid could have handled it, I would have bet money that Beyoncé was going to show up for a Halftime Show. A second bet would have been that the blonde judge was going to throw her panties up on stage when the boys started dancing.
This chick was Into. It. Big time.
Then some kids won some stuff. Google it, because the important stuff went down after crowning. Or awards. What show is this again?
(Spoiler Alert: It wasn’t the ALDC. Yikes.)
It all started one mo’ time in the hallway between The Rickster and Abby. Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? Then Abby dissed congested Vivi-Anne, who follows Mom Cathy around like she’s inside one of those invisible electric shock fences or something.
Then Jill blew a nutty because she heard Cathy talk about Kendall. And then everyone started screaming.
Cathy got disoriented again and ended up back in the ALDC dressing room. Wait for it…wait for it….
Boom! Abby threw her water at Cathy. Cathy swung her pocketbook at Abby and clocked her in the back of her head and shoulders. (Side note…Abby spent the rest of the scene hugging herself like she had just fallen out of a ski lift. It was a pocketbook honey, not a forklift.)
As Cathy tried to run out and meet up with all her flying monkeys, Jill tossed another bottle of Poland Springs on her head and then it just went bazoinkers.
Like Real Housewives of Atlanta when Kim and NeNe go at it. That kind.
There were camera guys in everybody’s way as Jill and Cathy pounced on each other. Cathy stole Kelly’s water and hosed down Jill. Some random guy who looked like he tallied votes for the Oscars grabbed Cathy and pulled her out of the room. Jill went nutty. Cowboy Hat Nutty, for those of you who remember her first nut.
Then Abby called her Mom. Melissa was afraid that Abby was going to have a heart attack. Kelly couldn’t believe that she was the sane one this week.
And shouldn’t someone have tried to track down a few of the children? Where were they, anyway?
Splash.
Oh, what a World. What a Dance World.
