I can do Jazz, Ballet, Lyrical, Hip Hop, turn invisible and speak in Klingon. So, yeah…I got this.
You wanna do this? Let’s do this. Cuz I can out drink AND out shop every one of you wannabes.
Check it out, boyz. Mama’s wearing lipstick. If you squint I look like Kim Kardashian.
I’m srsly ’bout to go all MackZ on this new chick. What we need is a Girl Party in the parking lot.
Imma gon’ have to pretend that she did not just suggest dressing my baby up as a maid, ‘kay?
Hold up. Do not even tell me that Blondie is trying to steal my look again.
You know what they say about Arizona…It’s a dry heave.
Going forward, all visitors to the Abby Lee Dance Company will be required to wear one of those sticky “Hello My Name Is…” tags from Staples for at least two episodes, because keeping track of everyone is starting to wear me out.
This week, the super-special, super-sized, super-loud 100th episode of Dance Moms was crawling with so many new Moms and offspring that I had to dig out my old March Madness brackets just to keep track of who belonged to who.
Which in turn means that this recap is super-sized. So grab a snack.
After a couple of exceptionally depressing weeks spent dealing with the declining health and eventual passing of Abby’s beloved Mom (…RIP, Maryen Lorrain Miller…we miss you…) it was time to get back to saving those tears for your pillow.
And yelling. Lots of yelling.
This was also the week when the long awaited Junior Select Ensemble would be revealed. Finally.
That’s right. A second ALDC team, hand picked from open casting calls held across the nation, in a process that seemed to have been going on ever since I started watching this show 14 years ago. These kids better be good, that’s all I gotta say.
But first, the Pyramid of Shame. Always the Pyramid.
As the kids all scooted in like they were getting ribbons at Sochi (…look at them in their little match-matchy ALDC Olympic team jackets…) I’ll admit I was a little disappointed that some Russian girl dressed as a snowflake didn’t accompany them to the medal stands.
There was even a second tier riser behind the girls for all the Moms. It was gonna be a tight squeeze this week, so everyone had to snuggle up a little bit to make some room for the newbies.
Bottom of the Pyramid was lined with Chloe, Nia and Kalani.
Chloe had pulled Fifth Place in her solo last week. If Second Place is the first loser, I don’t even know what Fifth is…but it can’t be good. Nia still had a long way to go to get to wherever Abby felt that she needed to be. I didn’t ask. And Kalani was just kind of there.
Some points for showing up would have been nice. Being there is still a good thing, right?
The mezzanine was home to Kendall and Maddie. I got chewed out for not giving Kendall enough props the last couple of weeks and I stand corrected. Because she’s awesome sauce. And a patootie.
Do the math. A patootie and a ‘kenzie on the second tier means that Mackenzie and her pouty faced Instagram photo were on top!
She dances. She records songs. She auditions backup dancers. She films music videos.
She can do it all! She’s like a freakin’ mini Oprah. If Oprah was a 9 year old white girl from Pittsburgh with braces and an auto-tuned dance mix on iTunes, I mean.
What we need is a Gayle Party!
(C’mon. That. Was. Hilarious. When Kathy Griffin steals that joke for a Bravo TV special I’m totally calling Melissa‘s lawyer.)
And then…the Arrival.
As they blasted the same Survivor music you always hear when Jeff Probst pulls a tribe member’s paper out of The Coconut of Shame, the new and improved ALDC team entered the studio.
O to the M to the G.
Aw Hell Naw. They got Olympic jackets, too? Already? AND they got to hooch ‘em up by unzipping them and flashing some tube tops? So not fair.
Since the Lifetime network legal department frowns on actually collecting DNA swabs from inside the cheeks of little girls while they sleep, Abby’s new team was as close to a cloned version of the Original Recipe Girls as she could get without going to court. One by one, she pulled them forward to stand next to their dancing dopplegängers and then it was on like Donkey Kong.
Or at least how they play Donkey Kong in Arizona, anyway. Turns out that Kira already knew Mom Tracey and her daughter Sarah R. from their old studio in AZ and she blew the first MomNut of the episode as soon as the new team filed into the studio. Something about Tracey wishing that Kalani was her own daughter, which gets a little creepy if you think about it for too long.
Sarah R. was the new Nia. Or she wishes.
As if, Girlfriend. As if. You might want to leave now and beat traffic, because remember…Mom Holly‘s SassyPants also come in tweeny bop sizes, mmmkay?
Nia got all IDon’tThinkSo and snarked a little sumthin sumthin about how all Sarah knows is…zzzz…acro and then stepped back in line to get high fived by Dr. Beyoncé.
That’s my baby! That’s my baby!
And then it was Kendall and Ava and Ava’s Mom Jeanette.
Second New Rule, Jeanette. You’re allowed to enter Forever 21 with your daughter, but you are not allowed to purchase anything for yourself ever again. Ever. Did you see those leggings? And every other outfit (…Spoiler Alert: 2 for $20 knock-off sunglasses…) that she was rocking for the entire 90 minute show? I just can’t.
I’m not trying to be mean, but…I’m just being mean. Stop it. Right now. Spit that out and put it back on the rack so some 11 year old can have something nice to wear on her next birthday.
Next up, Kalani met her evil twin Jade and her Mom Loree. Kalani and Jade were paired up because they both wear Hawaiian flowers on the left side of their head. Jade was a pretty girl but didn’t look anything like her Mom, so you know I’ve already made up some good stories that I may share at a later date after I decide whether or not they’re appropriate for a younger audience.
And then Abby wheeled out one of those gigantic porcelain dolls with freckles and pigtails that always come to life at night in horror movies and burn the house down.
Or maybe it was just Tea’ and her Mom Tami.
Who apparently brought their own Dark Shadows haunted music box soundtrack, which you could hear in the background when Tea came forward and saw dead people. She was a cutie, but something about her gave me a Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.
I don’t think her feet actually touched the floor, but that could have just been me not paying attention and making stuff up.
And then there was tiny Sarah H. and her not so tiny Mom.
Programming Note: At this week’s performance, the role of Leslie Ackerman will be played by Christy with a Y. Please turn off your cellphones and enjoy the show.
Christy with a Y is the same Christy with a Y who flipped a switch over at Melissa’s house last week and almost went home in a squad car. You remember her. Well, she’s still screaming and yelling and doing all those things that Leslie used to do, but now she’s just doing them in plus sizes.
The last clone came with a snazzy glitter headband and an extra scoop of attitude.
As Kamryn listed off every award in her trophy case, Chloe gave some of the best SideEye ever in the history of SideEye and grew another inch. Kamryn’s Mom Jodi had one of those hairdos that always makes me wonder if that was the original plan, or if she just ran out of time curling her hair and never got to all those straight pieces.
It’s something I like to call Pageant Mom Hair and you know exactly what I’m talking about. Swap her kid out with Tami’s and all we need is an Outfit of Choice and some finger kisses. I’ll bring the Pixie Stix.
Oh. And Maddie got yanked to the New Team. Psych.
This week they would be heading to Youngstown, Ohio for another Energy Dance Competition. We’ll get to who got what assignment when we get to it…if we get to it…because there is waaay too much to cover this week.
As the Junior Elite Team (…ie ALDC#1) got to rehearsing their ‘Royals’ group number, the Moms hit the Perch for some Starbucks and snark. Both of which were grandé.
The Moms were mesmerized by how easily Kira’s inner Kristy Ray had (…finally!…) manifested itself all up in Tracey’s face down in the studio. For the first time since Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, the old Kira/Kristy was back and I got a little sentimental.
We got a quick backstory on Kira and Tracey, which was nice, but all that really mattered was that Kira’s earrings started flapping around and it made me really miss my girl Kristy.
Le’ts Go! Let’s Go! Hit Me! Hit Me!
Dr. Beyoncé also thought that having Melissa being spread between two teams would allow for some stellar opportunities to spy on the competition.
Holly has a PhD in International Espionage, you know. It’s true. It’s in her book.
Unfortunately, it was supposed to remain a secret, so now I’m going to have to kill you to protect our government. I’m sure understand.
And then suddenly everyone swapped places like a bad Freaky Friday remake as the New Moms shoved the Old Moms out of their seats to watch ALDC#2 do their thing.
Jeanette was still wearing leggings, by the way.
They all were, now that you mention it. Everyone except for Loree, that is. When Abby called both the New and the Old Moms all down to the studio together, Loree stood out like a sore thumb. If you had just turned the channel or walked into the room at that point you probably wondered why a senator’s wife was standing at the end of a row of Dance Moms.
Yeah. A room full of competitive women. What could possible go wrong?
Christi with an I checked her manicure about 97 times and then Christy with a Y got all Leslie with an L on everyone and the whole thing imploded. Faster then rats leaving a sinking ship, the Old Moms bailed and walked out like it was some kind of underpaid labor strike in a plastics factory. You’re crazy, lady. We’re going out to smoke on the picket line.
The next day, Jeanette really kicked up her Legging Game to a whole other level in the MomPerch as Christy with a Y somehow managed to pick up her screaming at the exact point where she had left off the day before.
After a delightfully uncomfortable parking lot transition between the Old and New Moms (…I feel a good old fashioned Krystal vs. Alexis Dynasty coy pond throw down coming on between Kira and Tracey…) the Moms in the opening credits hit the Perch to watch Kendall and Kalani’s bootleg ‘Rule The World’ duet.
Which was right about when I started crushing on my MomCrush Jill again.
Abby wanted the girls to take down their Asia Monet Ray buns and Whip Their Hair Back And Forth, which was apparently some kind of subliminal cue for Jill to do the same up in the MomPerch.
Part Willow Smith. Part Beyoncé. Part Britney. Part city Mom going camping for the first time ever and freaking out because she got a crawly bug in her hair.
I don’t even know what happened, but it was pretty much everything that makes me want to go shopping with Jill. I could have actually turned off my television and that point and gone to bed happy.
With one day left to go, it was crunch time. And pretty much exactly like the day before but with different outfits.
Christy with a Y got all CrazyFace on Melissa up in the Perch, who bailed and ran down the stairs while being blessed by the CrazyPope. That was some random oddness.
Chloe even got to rehearse the ‘Lucky Star’ dance that would be going up against Kamryn in the solo division, but it basically just turned into a good opportunity for Abby to pull out her iPhone and catch up with her Twitter followers.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Fur for Days. Christi even got so mesmerized by all that VertesVelour that she couldn’t stop herself from stroking Jill’s jacket like it was some kind of designer pound puppy. Which in an odd way meant that I didn’t feel so uncomfortable for rubbing up against my television screen. Because that’s not weird at all.
Old Moms. New Moms. The only thing that could make it better would be booze.
So it was off to some hotel hallway (…what was that? I swear there were half eaten Room Service trays under Melissa’s seat…) for cocktails. The only take aways from that scene were watching Kira and Tracey go another round and seeing Holly lunge across the table to save some wobbly wine glasses.
Srsly. For someone who doesn’t drink, Nia’s Mama can sure snatch a lot wine glasses in one hand. Just saying. If you play the scene back in slow motion it looks exactly like when the radio says there’s a big snow storm coming and people start snarfing up all the toilet paper with both arms.
Finally, it was Showtime!
With the usual screaming dance fans eagerly waiting with their cell phones for the ALDC to arrive, of course. Was it just me, or did that one tall girl who was crying like she had just seen The Beatles look like she was 40 years old? Really?
Tea’ showed up clinging to a stuffed dog, which I assumed was from Toys “R” Us and not another Broadway Baby moment. But nothing would surprise me when it comes to this show, so never say never.
Everyone danced. Go check it out on youtube if you can’t stand not knowing what happened…I’m running out of room here.
And then Cathy Nesbitt-Stein showed up, wearing who knows what, to make fun of everything that the other Moms were wearing. I think her outfit was inside out.
Take a moment to really look at everyone. I’ll wait.
According to her rambling bragging, one of the Candy Apples’ award winning girls was there in the building to hand out awards. I guess that means that while you’re waiting for that big Broadway callback, you might as well be handing out tiny fake tiaras to dance kids. Whatever keeps you off the streets, honey.
Abby threatened to go all Godzilla and toss a trash can on top of Cathy for laughs and then somewhere along the line Tracey got so nervous that put a water bottle on her face and tossed her own lunch into a (…thankfully…) different trash can.
I already used my Arizona dry heat/dry heave joke earlier, so I have nothing left to give for my country at this point.
All the dances were great. Even the ALDC#1′s ‘Maids in Combat Boots’ routine was da bomb and made me realize that I need to stop blogging so much and pick up around the house.
The award ceremony allowed everyone to bust out another round of Gangnam Style before picking up their stash. Apparently that is a requirement for getting any trophies nowadays.
And then some kids won some stuff. But I’m not telling you who won what, because it wouldn’t be a mid-season finale without a cliffhanger, right?
Let’s just say that the Old and the New haven’t worked out all the kinks yet.
Who’s staying? Who’s leaving? Who knows.
So stay tuned until next time.
Right now, we just made it through 100 episodes.
Nobody lost an eye. And nobody’s in jail.
Jill. Christi. Get this party started, will ya?
To be continued…