I swear. I saw all those old wannabe Moms on Twitter and I was all like ‘AwHellNahDurrp.’
Hi, Staples? I’d like to order some name tags, because I have no clue who these kids are anymore.
Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy…and Crazy.
What do you all think? Does this dress make me look like Kim Kardashian or what? C’mon!
I honestly don’t even know what to say anymore. How about we just talk about my hair?
Hi, Candy Apples? TMZ here. Is your old refrigerator still running? You better catch it. Suckah.
This blog wears me out. As opposed to “Wear ‘Em Out,” which is available soon. Holla atcha!
Welcome.
Before we begin, two quick programming notes.
At tonight’s performance, the role of the Candy Apples Competition Team will be played by a whole bunch of brand new people hungry for screen time who have never been part of the Ohio-based dance studio and clearly do not claim a 44708 zip code on their state taxes, much less even know how to get there without accessing their mini-van’s GPS.
And for those of you with the munchies, the snack bar will remain open throughout intermission serving a wide variety of questionably homemade tastiness direct from Canton’s own Jerky King, as well as whatever GoGo Juice is in those gigantic paper coffee cups that the Pittsburgh Dance Moms are always clenching in their sweaty palms.
Now please do enjoy the show.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference: Let’s get this one out of the way early, too, because there were so many SiaWannaBeYa Moments that I reset my DVR schedule just in case this thing went into overtime. I thought for sure we were looking at an expanded 90 minute episode this week. If you were screaming along with Pee Wee Herman‘s Secret Word or taking shots every time someone said “Sia” it was going to be a long night.
Abby’s Weekly Sia Elastic Heart Reference: There was a new one, too.
But hold that thought for now. You’ll see.
With only two weeks to go before the team heads back to LA for another attempt at stardom and ALDC franchising, Abby was more determined than ever to regain her spot at the top of the dance charts. After a less than stellar showing the first time they all hit the West Coast, it was now officially Game On.
After the Pyramid of Shame, of course. And some social media buzz.
As the gang all stumbled into the studio for their assignments, everyone was celebrating the release of Maddie‘s second musical collaboration with Sia. (Scream or take a shot now and then go stand in a corner facing the wall. Repeat as often as necessary throughout the remainder of the episode and then see how you feel in the morning.)
The ‘Elastic Heart’ video had just hit the internet and was already causing quite a stir online, most likely due to Shia LaBeouf rolling around shirtless inside a bird cage with a tweeny bop girl in a flesh-colored onesie. But that’s just my guess.
Honestly, Shia LaBeouf is crazy enough when he’s just walking the Red Carpet on E!, so putting him inside a pet carrier only seemed to magnify his crazy pants.
If he had been wearing any pants, I mean.
Side note: We’ll be skipping the actual Pyramid this week due to so much juicy goodness squished into one episode. Maddie was on top again, tho. And all the girls were paired up in duets to celebrate ‘Elastic Heart.’ There you go. Up to speed.
The video was abstract. And edgy. And provocative. And pretty much made absolutely no sense to the majority of people who Googled it on youtube. But that didn’t stop everyone from having an opinion. Which is the first rule of being an art piece, right?
Lady Gaga 101, people. Der.
(The video is even posted up there next to this recap. Feel free to roll on the floor to your elastic heart’s content if you’re one of the 7 people with dial-up who haven’t seen it yet.)
And speaking of rules. The first rule of being a Real Housewife, whether you’re New Jersey, Atlanta or Pittsburgh-based, is to always snoop each other’s personal cellphones, right? Because that’s totally what the other Moms did to Kira when they noticed a social media posting on her iPhone from the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples.
Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had just created yet another new competition team. Really.
Side note: Can’t you just picture a room full of Cathy’s cast-offs, all sitting around in a circle talking smack about Candy Apples after she tosses them to the curb? I don’t know it would be in a community center, rehab facility or a psychiatric ward, but I can totally see Lucas Triana swearing at my little buddy Gavin Morales while Anthony Burrell just sits there in an Asia Monet Ray Tour jacket trying on hats.
And you know exactly what I’m talking about.
This time around, Cathy had pulled all the old audition tapes from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition and sent out e-vites to anyone who hadn’t made it to the finish line. Like an AUDC Reunion Show without Robin Antin bragging about the Pussycat Dolls.
Because she created them, you know.
The biggest stand-outs in the ‘New’ CADC were AUDC alums Haley Huelsman and Tessa Renée Wilkinson. Tessa’s Mom Renée was wearing one of those tight razor sharp chokers that look like the Bride of Frankenstein scar you get when you attach a random head to someone else’s body and Haley’s Mom Melanie‘s KrazyHair was still wet after two years.
Side note: Those of you who have followed this mess of a blog for a while know that I’m still waiting for Melanie to reimburse me for knocking over my soda in a food court when she was in Boston for a dance competition. True Story. With those bling-ed out Mom Jeans and giant purse I suppose I should have seen her coming, but I was too busy Googling ‘Who Is Sia?’ to put up my Force Field in time.
But now I know who Sia is. And to never leave a diet coke too close to the edge of a plastic tray when the Huelsmans are in town.
Oh. And Abby hates Melanie because I guess she and her daughter showed up at one of Abby’s book signings and apparently stood in the parking lot signing the same book out of the trunk of their car because Haley was mentioned in a footnote or something.
This show. I swear.
Side note again: And how about that giant mosquito statue they showed when we visited the Candy Apples Dance Center? Only in Ohio would the Tourism Department make a point to highlight a seasonal bug infestation.
Remind me to book a room at the Motel 6 in the middle of a rainy August.
Did I mention that So You Think You Can Dance winner Chehon Wespi-Tschopp was back again as the CADC guest choreographer? Because he was. And it was clear that the Moms were digging his smoldering Telenovela Side Eye. That one with the short hair looked like she could get a little randy with our boy after a few Jose Cuervos.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: On point. Sometimes, tho, I worry that her resting body temperature might be a little low. Especially when she’s completely wrapped up like an Eskimo in one of her signature fur vest and boot ensembles while the rest of the ladies are up there in the MomPerch chillaxing in frilly little Kohl’s tops.
I’m also thinking that maybe those are ice fishing holes out in the parking lot and not pot holes as we’ve been led to believe all this time, because then her outfit makes complete sense. I love my MomCrush.
Probably even more so now that I know she can gut a Trout.
(And how good does her hair look way up at the top there? Dang.)
As the ALDC girls rehearsed their ‘Get A Clue’ Hasbro board game routine, Jessalyn decide to give Tessa’s Mom a quick call to get the 411 on the Candy Apples situation.
They already knew each other from AUDC and who knows what else, so Jess figured it would be a quick and easy way to get the dirt. Until Renée picked up on her end and told Jessalynn to “Get a F***ing Life” that is. Then not so much.
Ouch. Good way to answer the phone when those Florida Timeshare telemarketers call right in the middle of dinner with the family, but probably not cool when it’s an old friend.
In the midst of all this chaos, Melissa was still just as busy as ever pimping out Maddie’s accomplishments. Can’t blame her. The girl is on fiyah right now.
But I did find it hilarious that after bragging about Entertainment Tonight, the Ellen Show and every other Hollywood Access Insider Outsider Entertainment TV news magazine she could name drop in one breath, we ended up watching Maddie give an interview to the Murrysville Star, which is one of those free grocery store Pennysaver papers where you can find coupons on insulated double hung windows and complain about how they just closed another post office at the same time.
I’m pretty sure the dude who did the interview also brought his Mom as photographer.
Not to be outdone, Holly snuck down to the front desk and called up Aubrey O’Day again. I love that Holly has taken on Nia’s career as her new full-time job.
I also love that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial. And that Aubrey was on Celebrity Apprentice. And that I bought a mark-down Donald Trump tie one year at Macy’s and used the restroom at Trump Towers on the same day. And I even watched American Idol the year that Clay Aiken lost.
And Clay totally went all Drama Queen on Aubrey on Celebrity Apprentice.
The Circle of Life.
I know, right? It’s like Holly and Aubrey and I are only separated by like 976 Degrees of Separation now. We could totally be BFFs if Lifetime didn’t have such tight security during filming. Or so I heard, I mean.
Aubrey wanted to talk to Nia (…not me, apparently, but Nia…) so Holly scooted down the hall and pulled her out of rehearsal, which caused all kinds of MamaDrama upstairs.
Which was pretty much the exact same thing that happened to Maddie the following day when Entertainment Tonight finally broke down the studio door and rushed the room with a full entourage of camera guys and fuzzy microphone sticks.
But it was Maddie, so it was ok.
Full Disclosure: Melissa did acknowledge that it was pretty much the same thing that she had just chewed out Holly for doing. But it was still different.
I love Holly’s HollyFaces when she gets all ‘HollySayWhat?’
I also like that she seemed a little happier this week. Dr. Beyoncé still isn’t getting the support she feels she deserves from her friends regarding Nia’s relationship with Abby, but with Nia’s musical career starting to take off she has enough to keep her occupied.
(Spoiler Alert: Nia’s Australian concert. Just saying.)
Finally, it was Showtime! And time for the CADC ladies to sneak into the ALDC green room before Abby’s dirty bus pulled up to the bumper.
(Seriously. You’re going to be on national television. Nobody could get a garden hose and wash down that bus? Is that even legal to be transporting young children when you only have two little peep holes in the windshield?)
And who knew that there were bagels behind all those wrinkly fabric backdrops every week? Bagels. All kinds of them. With cream cheese.
Needless to say, Abby and her team busted the CADC Moms before they could snarf down any snacks and sent them on their way after a brief throw down.
I really can’t explain Melanie’s hair or Renée’s one shoulder cut-out recital concert ensemble during the festivities. You should probably go back and check the DVR. That way you could also see the Jessalynn vs. Melanie grudge match reignite right there in the middle of the floor. When you’re hair is as crazy as your mouth, it makes for good TV.
Kendall and JoJo did a ‘Freaky Friday’ routine where they switched bodies and hair bows. After five seasons of Dance Moms headgear never staying attached, it was pretty impressive that Kendall was able to snatch JoJo’s holiday accessory right off her head so quickly, clip it into her own hair, do an upside down whatchamacallit and still keep the ginormous thing in place for the remainder of the dance.
Bonus points from this judge if that counts for anything.
Nia and MackZ (…she’s still MackZ, right?…) were up next with a creepy little girl in the neighborhood kind of thing. It was pretty powerful even before Nia served Face.
Werk.
Naturally, right before Maddie and Kalani hit the stage for their ‘Walking Through The Storm’ duet, Melanie decided to blow a nutty on Melissa right there in the audience.
Clearly, Haley’s Mom is not a big fan of provocative music video art pieces. Or hair conditioner. But leave it to Kira to come to the rescue as she turned to face the entire auditorium and got the crowd cheering for Maddie’s performance.
Or maybe it was for Kira’s new low cut dress that proudly proved to all of Michigan that Arizona has way more to offer vacationers than just a humidity-free dry heat.
Or maybe both. I dunno.
But they were definitely on their feet for something when Kira turned around.
By the time that both teams had performed their group routines, it was anyone’s guess as to how the whole thing was going to play out. Everyone felt that they were going to win.
But somebody has to come in Second and be the First Loser, right?
Once again, Candy Apples drew the short straw. Second Place.
Which meant that once again, the ALDC took the First Place trophy. All three top duet spots also got snagged by the ALDC and Abby couldn’t have been happier for a change.
Backstage, all the Candy Apple Moms cried and vowed revenge on Abby. The whole thing was very emotional. And traumatizing. Especially when Melanie hugged Cathy. It was almost too much KrazyHair for me to handle in one serving.
Across the hall in the ALDC room, the atmosphere was definitely much lighter as everyone celebrated their wins. Plural.
There was still an underlying division between the Moms, but it definitely felt like they might be able to work it out a little bit during the upcoming Hollywood trip.
But only time will tell. This is Dance Moms, after all.
For now, it was back to Pittsburgh to put another trophy on the shelf.
And watch that video again.
You know the one.
