Look at this mess. We are one bad dye job short of turning into the Hefner Playboy Mansion.
All I know is that I’m finally not the one with the craziest hairdo. Halleloo!
One: You people all suck big ones. And Two: NO this is not a mullet, thank you.
Seriously. Somebody gnawed on some baaaad jerky while she was out in Ohio.
Oh. Hell. No. You did NOT diss my girl Nia’s decision to weave in them sassy braids. And while we’re on the subject, you need to fix your face, bitch.
Why can’t someone invent Smell-O-Vision Television?
It can’t be that difficult.
I mean, if they can put a man on the moon, make gum that changes flavor and shut off my cable with one switch, how hard could it really be to make a TV that emits odors?
Then we would all finally know what Crazy really smells like.
Trust me. Dance Moms has had no problem over two seasons showing us what Crazy looks like…and sounds like…but now I want to smell it.
But until that day, if the latest episode is any indication, I’m betting that Crazy smells like beef jerky breath, one of those Walgreens cologne holiday gift sets and any randomly chosen strip mall salon after a full day of root touchups.
That’s right. Jill is back.
Everyone’s favorite studio hopper returned to the Abby Lee Dance Company this week all loud and blonde and uninvited, and it pretty much registered at a 9.5 on the Rockette Richter Scale.
But before we get all excited, let’s start at the beginning. Before the Storm.
Fresh off their Redemption Tour 2012, Abby and her little posse of posers were back in Pittsburgh basking in the glow of their Top Spot Group Routine at Starbound. After recovering from a previous stumble and loss to the dreaded Candy Apples, the ALDC had managed to jazz hand their way back to the top and brought home more shiny hardware to display on those rickety old Container Store shelves.
Seriously. Have you ever noticed the wire shelving that Abby has wrapped the entire rehearsal space with to display all their trophies? It’s the same wobbly closet organizer stuff that you put up in your first apartment, or that always comes preinstalled in every freshman dormitory. The stuff that is always missing one screw and eventually pulls out of the sheetrock and dumps all your winter sweaters on to your hidden kegger.
How all those heavy plaques and statues don’t come crashing down on some poor kid in the middle of Tap Class is a mystery.
So without putting anyone at risk by making them stand directly under those trophy death traps, Abby gathered her little dancers and bigger Moms together in the center of the room to unveil the latest Pyramid of Shame.
You know how in the movies right before a natural disaster all the birds always go ape s*** berserk and fly into skyscraper windows, and the deer and bison and escaped zoo animals all stampede in every direction across the highway causing mass transit chaos?
Well, I’m pretty certain that if we could have found a window and gotten a glimpse outside the studio right before the Big Reveal, it would have looked like the freakin’ opening scene from The Lion King.
Hurricane Jill was blowing back into town and most likely toppling any tree, small automobile or mobile home in her newly bleached path of destruction.
Before Abby could even pull off the first piece of logo paper and crush a young and impressionable ego, the studio door flew open and in stormed Jill, accompanied by her incredibly easy to upset daughter Kendall and a souvenir headshot which they had apparently spray glued to foam core prior to their arrival.
(Always come prepared, because you never know when you might encounter a rogue Pyramid of Shame. I think that’s in the Boy Scout Handbook, actually.)
The last we had seen of Jill, aside from her brief stint at the Candy Apples Evil Dance Emporium, was the now infamous Texas meltdown where she had thrown a shoe and run out the door while wearing an odd little iParty cowboy hat.
In her defense, she had claimed that the mall western wear was to make her look like a local and embrace the culture, much the same way any tourist with no social skills would apply black face or a dot in the middle of their forehead to try and fit in with the city they are visiting. Because they saw it in a magazine.
Seriously. Why do people do that? Stick with the bermuda shorts and fanny pack. You’ll still look less ridiculous.
Now Jill was blonde. Really blonde. And had lost the Bump-It hair accessory.
(Spoiler Alert: Next episode’s preview shows that it already makes a return appearance. You can cut off a worm’s head or yank out your Bump-It, but they always grow back.)
She wanted Kendall to be put back into The Group immediately and proceeded to present her case like Alexis Carrington did when she pulled off that big hat and laid into the judge on Dynasty.
Oh, the drama. Eventually Jill took the hint and scooted her blonde hair, big mouth and new caftan top fashion sense into the corner and let Abby get the Pyramid started.
Mackenzie and Nia were on the bottom. MackAttack’s low standing was due to all that sugar causing her to dance faster than the other two girls in last week’s trio. We’ve never actually seen it happen, but you know Mack is one of those cute kids who always chomps on those gigantic Jawbreaker candies until her tongue is blue and she has trouble swallowing all the juice. Tell me you can’t totally picture that scenario.
Nia fell on her badonkadonk last time, and that can’t be good.
Third spot was for Paige, who didn’t really do anything wrong other than get picked as the third person in that sloppy trio. Guilty by association. Punishment? Bottom row.
I won’t even go off on another rant about her age inappropriate hairdo this week, even though it did seem to have gotten wavier and even more age inappropriater, if that’s even a word.
All I’ll say on the matter is that I’m amazed that between eating, sleeping, dancing and going to school Paige still had time to get her hair done for next month’s Vogue cover shoot. Now I’m done.
To make room for Maddie at the top, Abby stuck Chloe and Brooke on the second row. She barely even tried to cover that one up, and couldn’t really fabricate any reason for them to be there other than Maddie’s photo is adhered to the mirror with Super Glue.
This week the gang was headed to Starpower, which I guess is somehow different than Starbound or Starpalooza or Star Search or Star Trek. They all sound the same to me, which probably explains why I don’t run a dance company.
Abby was quite excited that lots of people from Jersey would be there. I tried to picture pregnant Snooki doing that one leg straight up in the air thing but then immediately stopped trying to picture it before I did any permanent damage.
Maddie, Paige and Nia were all picked for solos, but the big news this time was the group number.
Twilight. Like the vampires. And there was going to be a boy vampire.
I would appreciate it from now on if Lifetime would run a warning disclaimer at the bottom of the screen before they unleash anymore tween-age boys on these girls, because my ears are still bleeding from the arrival of senior ALDC dancer Nick.
As the Moms retired to the Mom Perch, Kendall snuck her way into the group number until Abby did a head count and booted her upstairs. It was clear from the start of rehearsals that the Twilight theme was not going to work with so many girls on the field.
It was like a marching band all going in different directions at half time, with poor Nick in the middle racing around trying to lift up all the girls before biting their necks.
Between all that disorganization, Abby tried to squeeze in some solo work with the girls.
Paige made it through about four measures of music before Jill busted in and sang that song about Kendall getting to dance in The Group. After a few rounds with Abby, except for the missing cowboy hat, it was pretty much the same result again as Jill stormed out the door for the evening.
Nia’s solo was titled Return to Laquifa.
Ok. Maybe not. Maybe it was Werqin’ Girl. But either way, it was Sasha Nia getting her Shangela Death Drop on again, and it was a little slice of drag heaven.
Side note: Abby Lee Miller is no drag queen. Make her stop doing that head snap thing and just sashay away. Immediately.
Then we paused for a little station identification alert and a bit of network cross promotion.
The results from the Lifetime Drop Dead Diva auditions were revealed, and it was Maddie who scored the coveted guest starring role.
And not one single Vegas odds maker even blinked in surprise.
The whole thing then turned into exactly the kind of Mom vs. Mom favoritism song & dance number that we have come to expect every time Maddie snatches something from the other girls. Between Melissa getting angry at the other Moms and Maddie not sure how she was supposed to react in front of her friends, the casting call didn’t feel as big and important as they made it sound last week.
What was big and important this week however, was Nia’s hair. It was outta control fierce, girlz. And Abby wasn’t liking it.
When Abby told Holly that Nia’s new big a** braids were a hot mess, Mom went on the defense and channeled some serious NeNe Leakes. Kinda.
Given the fact that Holly is still more school principal than bitch slapping hater, it wasn’t quite an ATL Reunion throw down, but it was fun to watch.
Fix her hair, Mom. Fix her hair? How ’bout you fix yo’ hair? And then how ’bout you fix yo’ face? And yo’ fat body? And PS…I got approval for these braids, bitch.
Whoa. Wait. Did she say approval? Someone is in charge of hair braid approval? You mean that’s someone’s job? How much does it pay? I’m always looking for ways to make some easy cash, and approving hair weaves seems like something I could excel at. Hmmmm. Girl, pleez…I think I’m on to sumthin.
The next day, Abby was still a little miffed at everyone’s reaction to Maddie’s new Drop Dead Diva role, so she figured she needed to rub some faces into it to prove a point.
Long story short, Abby had Maddie bring in all her crowns from every competition and lay them out like a flea market table display so all the other girls could ogle them and wish they were Maddie.
I guess it was an attempt at showing how it’s ok to be proud of your successes, but it turned into a very uncomfortable Toddlers & Tiaras moment as Maddie unzipped what looked like one of those vinyl hot/cold lunch bags and pulled out a clown car’s worth of mini tiaras. It was like the bag was a bottomless sparkle pit as Maddie revealed crown after crown after crown.
The Moms did their song & dance again. Melissa tried to stop the show. The other girls wished they were Maddie. Melissa cried and Maddie just wanted to crawl in a hole.
Well played, Abby.
Finally it was Showtime.
Kendall must have hidden in the luggage compartment of the bus because somehow she was there in the green room, even though she wasn’t scheduled to do anything. Jill used every minute of down time to ramble on and on about earning a spot on the team while Abby used every minute of down time to poke Jill with a stick. It’s funny, but suddenly crazy Kelly was like an old chew toy that Abby didn’t want to play with anymore now that Jill was in the room. Go figure.
The solos went well. Nia dropped it like it was hot again. Paige nailed her dance. Maddie was Maddie and will probably need a bigger Igloo cooler pretty soon for all that new headgear.
Abby trimmed the Twilight number down to Brooke, Chloe and Maddie at the last minute, thereby giving Nick fewer girls to pick up and allowing her to give Jill another poke in the eye at the same time.
Seriously. I can’t.
There was so much Jill vs. Abby screaming that I can’t even get into right now.
Abby accused Jill of stealing a $2 bow from her secret stash and slapping it on Kendall’s head before any decisions on the Twilight number had even been made. Apparently hair bows and the Hope Diamond are both high risk security items that nobody should touch without government clearance.
Jill went all cowboy hat on Abby…again…while Kendall cried…again…and Maddie tried on crowns.
Nick actually got to speak one sentence, and he sounded like Peter Brady when his voice was changing.
Pork Chops and Apple Sauce. Google it.
Jill said that everyone sucked.
Looks like someone needs to fix their attitude.
And their face.
It was Drop Dead Divalicious.