Somebody better get dat door, cuz I hear a Ding Dong with my name on it. Knowwhaddimean?
This face, tho.
Tryna make me look like the crazy one now? Imma need someone to turn that camera off for about a minute.
And this face.
OMG. I know, right? I feel like one of the Real Housewives of Jackson now. Took ‘em long enough.
I’m not one to bribe another Dance Mom, but you just picture this little headband on yo’ baby girl.
Pthhffffftt.
We Buck together
Like Alabama Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong.
Remembered Forever as Shoo bop sha wadda wadda
Dropping it like it’s hot.
Really?
What time is it, you ask?
Well, you better check yo’ watch before I check you, Boo.
And maybe have the bartender send over a couple of Alabama Slammers while you’re at it, because it’s time to Dance 4 Your Life. And they don’t play down in Mobile.
But neither does Dianna Williams, especially when it comes to the Dancing Dolls 2015 A** Kicking Tour, which was headed out of town with new moves, new rules and even a temporary new Team Captain.
Bring It! was definitely bringing it AND shaking it up this week.
And it all started on the Dollhouse Dance Factory sidewalk…MamaTurf: Ground Zero…where Miss D was meeting with all the Dolls and their respective DDPs before allowing anyone into the building.
With a new competition only two days away, Dianna had to lay it all out quickly for her crew. Not only were the Dolls going up against a new crop of (…allegedly…) prissy, exceptionally well hand-sanitized Southern Belles, but the event itself had a few tweaked regulations that nobody had ever come up against in all their years of hip hopping.
The biggest change was that whoever did the Captain’s Solo also had to lead the Stand Battle. No exceptions. Which would not be a very big deal to anyone, except for the fact that this week the Stand Battle lead was up for grabs.
Dat’s rite. Kayla was being benched.
Chillax. She’s fine. (And to all the internet trolls out there who were Googling nonsense and making up nasty shizz about my girl KJ all week…Imma gon have to shut you down right now. And don’t think I won’t, yo.)
Kayla was just stepping aside for one competition to give Camryn and Tamia a chance to fight it out for a taste of that elusive Captain’s spot, because sooner or later Graduation Day was going to happen. You can’t stop time.
And when that day arrives (…if Kayla can hear the school principal’s voice over the “That’sMyBaby! That’sMyBaby!” Maury Show wailing of her Mama, that is…) Jackson and the rest of the Dancing Dolls will finally have to say goodbye and send another graduate out into the Real World.
(Gimme a moment to compose myself, please.)
Side note: The flashbacks to Baby Kayla.
Remember that Baby Muppet Show cartoon where all the muppets looked exactly the same as they do now except that they were shorter and their heads were enormous? It was totally like that. Baby Kayla for the Muppet Win.
Camryn was really excited for the chance to lead the team this week and was all like ‘IsDatOpportunityI’mHearingAlabamaDingDongKnocking?’
Speaking of Maury. You don’t need a DNA test to figure out who her Mama is.
Love.
Tamia was also chomping at the bit to get in front of the team. We’ll see in a few minutes how that one worked out for everybody.
Side note: Tina’s ‘Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle’ t-shirt. I lied last week when I said I couldn’t love her anymore. Because now I do. Sue me.
As all the girls headed inside to practice, Crystianna and it’s Rittany bitch finally arrived on the scene. Cheerleading practice had run late and…they…she…
Wait. What? Cheerleading?
Ooooooh, Gurrrrrrl. Miss D ain’t gonna like dis one. It’s in the contract. “No other extra curricular activities.” Which would include ‘cheerleading’ if you want to get technical.
Or piss off Dianna. Or both.
Not that Dianna’s feelings were a big concern for Rittany. Her niece will always come first. And if that means Crystianna has to go somewhere else to dance…well, then so be it.
But where? Where else in Jackson could she go?
Paging Dr. Rittany:
We ’bout to have a damn Code Purple go down right here on the sidewalk.
Shut. Up. You heard me. The Purple Diamonds.
The Mamas couldn’t believe that Rittany was even contemplating the idea of pulling Crystianna out of the Dollhouse and moving her to Jackson’s #2 dance squad. Mimi‘s Stretch Armstrong Face went all up and over and around my plasma screen as she tried to process the information.
Tina even said “Slap me with a hot dog” she was so caught off guard.
I swear. With a hot dog.
I don’t even know what that means, but it’s already my go-to response every time I’m at a loss for words or somebody hands me a package of Oscar Mayer at a cookout.
Heads Up: I might love Tina even more next week, just so you’re aware.
Oh. And Tawantza was back. ZaTia‘s Mama. The New One.
I like Tawantza. She’s crazy. But she’s so thirsty for her Fifteen Minutes.
Lawd, the Thirst.
Tawantza’s another one of those loud women who ends every sentence with ‘mmmkay?’ and always tries to sneak 16 items into the 15 Items Or Less line at Piggly Wiggly by swearing that the pack of rubber nipples goes with the baby bottles.
One. No they don’t, bitch.
And Two. Your baby’s down there chewing on your dirty car keys, so I don’t think either of you are germaphobes. How ’bout you and your 16 items (…17 if you count yo baby…) just step aside before my Hoodsies melt and then nobody will get nothing snatched.
Mmmkay?
And they don’t even have Piggly Wiggly stores in my neighborhood.
Inside the Dollhouse, Camryn and Tamia faced off for the Captain’s spot in a crazy a** DanceYourPantsOff mini-stand battle that was redoinkulous.
They both werked it, but Cammie channeled her Inner-Mimi and took the high score by one point from what I could tell. It was off the hook.
But If You Ask Me Dept.: Tamia won, too, because she freakin’ FINALLY got her own one-on-one camera confessional! Halleloo! Somebody was asleep at the wheel last season.
After rehearsal was over, Rittany headed inside to confront Dianna about Crystianna’s cheerleading. It was pretty much the same argument they have every week, just with different outfits. (Goooo Knights Cheer!) Rittany still doesn’t look directly at anything when she’s throwing down. She pointed at Dianna. A lot. Dianna threw her clipboard up in the ayah ayah like she just don’t care. Rittany pointed some more.
And then Dianna said “Bye Big Booty” and I died a little.
We also got a quick glimpse of Crystianna and her cheer crew across town. She is so cute I can’t even stand it. Those gigantic cheer bows they always make you wear must add about 10 pounds to your total body weight but easily take off 7 years from your license picture. She looked so little.
Side note: Rittany’s love for Crystianna is something that a lot of MamaAunts out there could learn from, just saying.
With only one day to go before competition, it was down to the wire. The girls were feeling the pressure inside the Dollhouse, but it was probably nothing compared to the pressure that Mimi must have experienced when she got pressed between Tina and Tawantza.
Because that totally happened. Like a George Foreman grill when you try to squeeze all the fat out of a beef patty. Poor thing.
Sure enough, ZaTia’s Mama got all up in Tina’s face about WhoKnowsWhat, which resulted in Kayla’s Mama unleashing another one of her patented Public Service Announcements right on Tawantza’s a**.
Side note: Your weekly reminder about how much I love this show and these lady folks.
Mimi’s face, tho. When she threw herself between them like she was taking a grenade to save the rest of her platoon, I literally needed somebody to hand me a hot dog.
Back inside, Camryn’s solo wasn’t coming across aggressively enough for Miss D, so Dianna had to break it down for everyone.
You Must Don’t Know My Name.
It was like that audition scene in Flashdance with all the judges at the table. Except that it was nothing like that scene because those judges didn’t wet themselves when Miss D slammed her hands on the table.
Now they know her name.
Remember. Remember. Remember.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Side note: What the What? The Dancing Dolls arrived in more white tour buses than Big & Rich did the last time they performed at the CMAs.
DD4L in your face, Alabama.
The Black Diamonds were there, too, all screaming ‘BD4L!’ like they didn’t care about any potential copyright infringement lawsuit. Their coach Deuntay seemed nice enough, but he totally F***d up my spellcheck.
Bonus Points: Given to the Fierce Elite dance squad coach who thought he looked like Dianna. Hashtag: I’M DEAD.
Backstage, Mimi was having a serious case of flop sweat getting prepared for Camryn’s solo. The only thing better than a Mother’s Love is a Mother’s Sweat Stain, right?
Side note: Out of respect for anyone who ever guest-starred on Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In during the 1960s, I will respectfully refrain from making fun of Tawantza’s blue eye shadow. Because…I mean. What the hell?
As the teams all got ready to Dance 4 Their Lives, Rittany was once again MIA. Will someone please buy this woman a watch?
Turns out that Crystianna’s Aunt had crossed the line into Purple Diamonds enemy territory and was taking an impromptu sidewalk meeting with Coach Shanika Lee, who had to now be almost 45 months pregnant.
(Srsly. What is she waiting for? The Reunion Show?)
Rittany was wearing one of those tiny pink headbands that JCPenney always puts on babies with no hair before they take their holiday photos and you could tell that Shanika wanted to snag that thing so bad.
With all the issues that Dianna was having with Crystianna’s participation in cheerleading, Rittany wanted to have a Plan B in place just in case they needed to separate themselves from the Dancing Dolls. Which would be sad. But a MamaAunt gotta do what a MamaAunt gotta do.
(Where is JJ lately, BTW? Not nearly enough screen time for Sunjai‘s Baby Daddy. Sitting in the bleachers doesn’t count as screen time. We need dancing.)
Carmen destroyed her Captain’s solo. Clearly that enormous DD4L floor sticker they hauled out (…which is currently out of stock at all my local home flooring stores…) is not flammable because otherwise she would have set that parquet floor on fire.
The audience loved it. Mimi went nuts. Cammie cried.
After all the preliminary Stand Battles were fought, it came down to the Dolls vs. Fierce Elite. And both teams looked so fine.
E’rrybody was nervous . And screaming. And cheering. (The yelling kind, not the pom pom kind…)
Kayla’s Dad Terrell was in the audience and kept touching Tina’s hair. Anyone else notice that? I wasn’t sure if he was just giving her weave some little love taps or trying to put the thing back on her head straight.
Q. Why have I not been invited to their home for snacks yet?
The Dolls finished their last Stand with a Human Staircase that pretty much made me whip out my last hot dog. One of the Dolls ran all the way up the backs of the other girls and then went airborne and did that SuperSplit thing they always show on the commercials.
Mimi’s tongue didn’t go back in her mouth for the rest of the episode.
Cammie ended up getting a perfect score for her Captain’s solo. Perfect. Score. Dianna went bazoinkers. Mimi had a MimiMoment. And someone from the APAC Performing Arts School got fired.
(That last joke is hilarious if you know what happened last season. Ask a friend.)
And the Stand Battle?
STAMP! The Dolls took First Place, leaving their postal mark on Alabama.
Check off another box on the Kick A** Tour. The Dolls are killing it this year.
And then it was over. Until next week anyway, when Kayla pushes her way up back up to the front row and reclaims her title as Captain of the Dancing Dolls.
It ain’t over yet, Girlfriend.
DD4L!
