Humor Magazine

You Don't Have a Spare Mil on Ya, Do Ya?

By Pearl
Shoot, I know I’ve said it before; but I could really use a million dollars.
First thing on the list to buy with that mil: Electric fencing around the house, the kind people use on dogs, only for people. The coalition of inebriants that formed a giggling chain of imbalance in the back last night?  I’m thinking a little acid (Lysergic Acid Diethylamide) in the drinking water (or their beer) oughta hold ‘em still until I can get those little collars around their necks.
Anybody know where I can get some acid? E-mail me. Put the words “Dave’s Not Here, Man” in the subject line.
The next thing I want to get with my million?
My own bus.
The bus this morning, the bus immediately following the one I usually take, was just downright low-class.  Hard to imagine, iddin it?, a bus with low-class characters on it? I found it hard to believe myself. Frankly, who would’ve thought they’d be awake so early in the morning? But there they were, off, if the vocalizations this morning were any indication, to some sort of Baggy-Pantsed Hollering Competition.
Things are looking loud for us this year – I like our chances.
I’m gonna hold out on buying the shirt until they make it past the Incoherent and Inappropriately Proud prelims, though. Don’t want to end up like last year. My 2013 Shoutin’ and Poutin’ jersey is just embarrassing.
Next thing I want to get? A professional hair brusher. Not a hair brush – a hair brusher. He can stand behind me at my desk and brush and/or braid my hair.
Wait. No. That’s a little self-indulgent, don’t you think?
OK. So it’s between a professional hair brusher and a full-time toady. I haven’t quite decided. I’ve never had my own toady, and I think it’s about time.
You look very nice today, Pearl. Are you losing weight?
Maybe I can get a hair-brushing toady?
So let’s see: electric fencing plus enough collars for my neighborhood, enough acid to get said collars on said neighbors, my own bus, and a hair brusher and/or full-time toady.
The rest I’ll put into mutual funds. Or lottery tickets. Whichever seems more lucrative.

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