A week ago there was a fun and interesting piece in The Washington Post’s Outlook section titled, “Would eHarmony match me with my husband?” The author, writer Gina DeMillo Wagner had been musing about her marriage due to the many couples she knew whose marriages were crumbling around the 10 year mark. After a call from a friend announcing tearfully that her marriage was over, Ms. DeMillo Wagner decided to do something rather radical. She approached her spouse about the two of them signing up on eHarmony in order to take the assessment and see who they were paired with—the idea was to see if they would be paired with one another. Of course, they would not contact or respond to any of their matches proposed by the site.
DeMillo Wagner took the assessment and then went through her list of matches. Some were very attractive and interesting and she found herself wondering about them, what they would be like to go out with and to kiss. She wanted to ask her spouse about how it was going on his end, but was somewhat hesitant to do so and they were not supposed to really discuss it until and unless they were matched.
After what seemed an agonizing period when he did not show up in her match list, she finally broke down and asked him if he was getting many matches. He then confessed that he had not signed up or taken the assessment, was happy with her, and thought the whole thing was a bad idea. She had already reached that conclusion and had been terrified that she had opened them up to something that could harm their marriage—and felt relieved that he had not followed through.
Ms. DeMillo Wagner will never know what eHarmony would say about their compatibility and rightness for each other—but her spouse clearly did not feel any need to have their approval or reassurance in the first place. He KNEW that this was the right fit for him, and after starting the process and seeing the dangers that could lurk in wondering about other men and relationship possibilities—she agreed.
Not everyone is as fortunate as this writer was. Some folks go through periods of discontentment and wonder what might have been/could be elsewhere. They go online, maybe look at profiles, think about putting one up, and even consider sites like Ashley Madison. For those who follow through a certain percentage end up in affairs that cause much hurt and damage, some they can never repair. Regrets can be found everywhere—the by-products of acting impulsively on fantasies without thinking about the consequences.
If any of this resonates with you, consider putting your efforts and creativity into your present relationship. Make it a priority, put in more time, look at what is working and think about how you can make it better. A compatibility assessment may be a useful tool for some folks some of the time—but it’s a good bet that many of us very married (contentedly so) couples would not be matched by sites like eHarmony if we were out there looking for that right partner.
