Humor Magazine

Worst Design Ever: Gyrospheres In Jurassic World

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

This article should not give anything away spoiler wise if you have not seen Jurassic World.


The Gyrospheres in Jurassic World seem like a really cool idea for a theme park ride…at first.



If you haven’t seen the movie, the concept of this ride is a self guided protection bubble that allows you to roam freely amoungst the herbivores.

As is the new trend in major theme park rides nowadays, they get a celebrity to explain the rules, operation of, and safety procedures of the attraction. In this case, it’s Jimmy Fallon.



The movie does not show Fallon’s full presentation, but it seemed the typical cheesy-fun-not-trying-to-bore-you-but-we-must-tell-you-this-stuff-so-you-don’t-sue-us-Disney-Universal Studios type jargon.

Those Gyrospheres really do allow you to get close to those Dinosaurs by the way.

(Warning: Look away from the dinosaur pee pee!)


“Oh my! What meaty thighs you have!”  source:

On the surface this all seems really cool, right?

Of course! And remember, it’s a movie. You need to allow some license and suspension of reality. Otherwise, if you nick pick apart every single plot point, you’ll end up not enjoying the film and wasting your $46 bucks that you spent on the 3D version with the upgraded sound and special massage warmer seating that only Theater Two has.

(Take that Theater One people with your lack luster sound and seating that the only thing special about it is…the fact that cup holder is extra round to accommodate the new 78 ounce soda cups with the built in 360 degree bendy straw buddy attachment! Nana nana boo boo!)

After all…this is a movie based on the concept of building a theme park out of reconstituted, re-hydrated, spliced genetic dinosaurs.

But on the other hand….sometimes it’s just so darn fun to nick pick apart every single thing…

So here is a list of everything wrong with the Gyrosphere Ride at Jurassic World.

(Currently closed for renovations.)

(Oops…that might be a spoiler.)

(Stop yelling and cursing at us…like you couldn’t figure that out already…)

1) No Track



This sign would lead you to believe that there is a certain path…or trail…or track…or direction to pilot the Gyrosphere…but that is not the case at all. Once you leave the gate, the general public is allowed to drive freely where ever they desire in the Gyrophere Valley. That’s really cool in concept, until Grandma gets behind the wheel of one of these things. What happens if you hit a dinosaur? What happens if a teenager decides it’s a bumper car? What happens if you drive under a Brontosaurs and get lodged under his belly?

Giving the public access to complete control of any type of ride in a theme park is a recipe for disaster. You need to take a cue from Disneyland’s Tomorrowland Speedway and put a track down.



It’s almost like they wanted controversy…

2) No Safety Net



Apparently you can take the Gyrospheres anywhere you want! There are no rules here! Why would you need rules when you have dinosaurs running around! Hell, even Walmart does not allow you to take their shopping carts past a certain point in their parking lot without the wheels locking up and causing you to jackknife into the pavement!

Not Jurassic World Gyrospheres!

If you can get them off the island, take them to your local golf course and use them as a golf cart. If you can get them off the island, take them to down the interstate…in the fast lane…and race that one idiot on a Vespa. If you can get them off the island, find those giant Kia Hamsters and give it to them, and watch them freak out!

3) Dinosaur Poop



Enough said.


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