We’re all familiar with the adage, “History repeats itself”, especially in the form of natural or man-made disasters. In the 14th Century, Europe was crippled by the bubonic plague, which led to an estimated 25 million deaths. In the 19th Century, over 9 million died during China’s worst drought. World War II killed an estimated 1.7%+ of the world’s population. But no other event in history can come close to the trauma and anguish caused by the worst album covers in the Universe. These album covers, put together by people who are hell-bent on destroying the human spirit and mind, are an abomination to anyone with a pulse. Some of the album covers are so hideous that they’ve been known to raise the dead, while ironically, the music contained therein is what caused the deaths in the first place. Listeners are, therefore, subjected to a musical limbo, in which Milli Vanelli songs are played backwards at half-speed, and groups such as “The Shaggs” are blasted from eight-tracks in perpetuity.
For a sneak preview of the impending apocalypse, click on the picture to hear The Shaggs’ musical stylings. (Warning: These are three women without any musical background, who were forced into forming a band based on the palm reading prediction of their paternal grandmother.)
The music represented by the worst album covers spans all genres, but their album covers share several common themes:
Show Some Skin and They’ll Forget You Have No Talent
The strategy of “show some skin and your listeners will forget you have no talent” is a common marketing strategy, as evidenced by The Handsome Beasts’ “Beastiality”.
Featuring memorable tracks such as, “Old McDonald had a farm named Hedonism II”.
While “Beastiality” was the talk of the town when it was released by Doggy Style Records in 1982, few dared listen to the record, as no inoculations were available at that time. It wasn’t till the fall of ’83 that we learned the record was in fact a collection of animal mating calls married with a throbbing and persistent synthesizer track. When asked about the inspiration for his album cover, Ham (the one pictured on the left) said that Priscilla (the one pictured on the right) had been with the band during its inception, but rarely contributed to its music, except for a few solos during which Priscilla would play Captain and Tenille songs on the African thumb piano with her snout. According to Ham, “The album cover is a way to feature Priscilla and give her the confidence to take on a larger role within the group.” Asked why he was naked on the album cover, Ham simply answered, “Priscilla feels less self-conscious, if I’m naked, too.”
Peter Travers of Rolling Stone Magazine placed The Handsome Beasts on his list of “Top Ten Bands Which Prove There is No God”, but admitted that the one redeeming quality of the group is Priscilla’s enormous talent, “which clearly shows her disciplined classical music background and ability to cross musical genres in a way that no barnyard animal has been able to do till now”.
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Swamp Dogg – aka. Me Lick You Long Time – was a one-hit wonder with “I’ll Ben Your Jerry”.
“Wind in the Sails” with Kjell Kraghe and Rick Low’s Orchestra
When the Swedish government denied his request to make a sail in his likeness, citing it would be a breach of the Treaty of Stolbovo, which ended the Ingrian War between Sweden and Russia, Kjell Kraghe had his portrait super-imposed on his album cover. Coincidentally, the same year that Kjell’s record was released, Sweden saw the greatest number of sailboat-related deaths. More than half of the deaths were self-induced, after people listened to Kjell’s songs – all of which were at sung at half-speed to the tune of,
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Most believe that the lyrics sung by the heavy metal group, Boned, contain heavy sexual references. “No way. That’s a load of jizz,” says B. Dick, lead guitarist for the group. “Up at the Crack” is about my growing up on the farm in Iowa. You had to get up at the crack of dawn to get your chores done before school. “‘Gimme More of Your Sweet Sweet Cream’ is about milking the cows, letting the milk sit, so that it turns into that sweet sweet cream you put on your strawberries.”
“Yeah, people can be so dirty-minded,” agreed band mate 2Stiff, while absentmindedly playing with his nipple rings. “We’re just a regular bunch of Joe Blows, you know, but people have us hard-pegged for sex fiends. Absolutely disgusting. What’s the world cuming to nowadays, anyway?”
Know Your Listening Audience
Includes memorable hits, such as “Flash Your Gordon” and “Moon Me by the River”.
Norberto de Freitas, the first successful recipient of a pubic-to-facial-hair transplant, generously donated the proceeds of his first and only album, “Antics of Balbino” – all $11.23 of it, less administrative costs – to the charity, “It’s OK to Be Bare Down There” – a group promoting Brazilian bikini waxes for both sexes.
Don’t let appearances fool you. From left to right – Slippin Stank Ho, Gun Doggy Buddha Balls, and Green Egg Crab Whacka – were an integral part of the Gomez drug cartel, led by Columbian drug lord, Jesus Gomez. The women hid the drugs inside their hair – sometimes as much as 20lbs of crack cocaine at a time – and distributed them to “fans” in smaller American towns, such as Bismark, North Dakota and Boone, Iowa.
After the women suffered irreversible injuries to their neck, due to the weight of their hair, they were replaced by Machete Masta Shrinky Nutz McKeithen.
The unfortunate musical response to Kjell Kraghe’s “Wind in the Sail” album, “Understand Your’e Swede” tells the sad story of Jimmy Jenson, who had listened to Kjell’s album for ten seconds and couldn’t get the tune of,
Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.
out of his head for six months, and he didn’t want the same fate to befall his family of twenty-five children, four wives, and two horses. So, Jimmy Jenson loaded up a sack full of bricks, got his trusty axe and went home to kill his family members one by one.
As a result of his heinous actions, Sweden enacted the Lutfisk Law, which forbade stores to sell more than 2kgs of Lutfisk to any Swede on any given day. It was said that Jimmy Jenson had gorged himself on Glogg and Lutfisk before the murders. Kjell Kraghe was also called as a witness during Jimmy Jenson’s criminal trial, but promptly held in contempt, as Kjell insisted on singing the song, which led to Jimmy Jenson’s mental demise.
A mistrial was declared.
Fun Trivia Fact: Jimmy Jenson also lent his axe-swinging expertise to Butch Yelton and Upbound, on their album, “Swing that Gospel Axe”.
Look Like a Gender-neutral Serial Killer and You’re Bound to Sell a Few Records
Dear Mother: A bouquet that never wilts. (A gift for the entire year.)
When Heino was a girl, schoolmates ridiculed her appearance, which resembled that of a myopic albino tree frog with a Hitler complex. As Heino grew up to be a painfully-shy young man, most couldn’t help but notice the bouquet of red roses, which accompanied him everywhere. Unable to connect with people, Heino had hoped that the flowers would be an ice-breaker, as his bouquet contained pre-recorded messages, such as, “Guten Tag! Führen Sie die Hokey Pokey mit mir?” (Good day! Will you do the hokey pokey with me?). And, “Wenn der Mond das Auge trifft wie eine große pizza pie, das muss weh!” (When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that must hurt!) However, most feared Heino was concealing an AK-47 or a switchblade among the roses and would give him the contents of their wallets or their jewelry, so that he may leave them alone.
With the money and gifts people gave him without his asking, Heino recorded his one and only album, “Dear Mother, A Bouquet that Never Withers”. Heino had originally wanted the album to speak to the people he couldn’t reach, but the record producer felt that a record entitled, “Dear Sir or Madam: Enclosed Please Find a Bouquet For Your Eternal Life, Heil Heino!” to be too creepy a title. That, plus the fact that Heino’s voice has been likened to “a herd of lactating water buffaloes strung by their teats and dragged through the nine rings of Dante’s Hell” eventually led to Heino’s tragic mental breakdown: Heino grew out his hair, stopped bathing, shacked up with a pig, and gained five hundred pounds. We now know him to be Ham, lead singer for The Handsome Beasts.
Heil Heino/Ham! Bacon and eggs…FOREVER!
