Scott Zolak is not a Caillou fan. What kind of father, Zolak wondered on Monday, would burden his son with a name that ends in a vowel. Zolak, a world renowned linguist, professional Scrabble player and co-host of the Gresh & Zo show on Boston’s 98.5 Sports Hub, defended his stance by deploying the oldest trick in the linguists’ playbook: referencing Greek mythology and the Boston Bruins.
Zolak was bewildered that his comments sparked more reaction from listeners more concerned about the alphabet than chatter about the Bruins trade deadline (today).
Bruins President Cam Neely was watching an episode of Caillou in his office at the TD Garden when Peter Chiarelli, a devout Gresh & Zo fan, marched into Neely’s office to relay Zolak’s logic. Neely turned off the TV and then responded to Zolak’s tirade.
“Zo, well he’s a lexical authority. Although I’m fond of Caillou, such a wonderful little bald boy, we’re going to take action on Zo's comments. You guys in the media will find out soon enough from TSN, so I may as well tell you now. We might have to trade Loui Erikkson to the St. Louis Blues for future consonants, er considerations, and two furies. Yes, that’s right I said furies. What, you think I don’t like Greek mythology?”
Why Loui?
“We have to,” Neely said. “We’re carrying too many players whose first names end with an A, E, I, O or U. And Y. As much as we love Loui, that diphthong plus one vowel really puts us over the limit. We must move these vowels.”
Eriksson, as soft spoken as a silent E, declined to comment on his status and teammates who might be on the trading block and who might raise Zolak’s ire.
Budding stars like Torey Krug or Dougie Hamilton? Valuable veterans like Patrice Bergeron or Zdeno Chara? Minor leaguers like Tommy Cross or Zane Gothberg? The Bruins roster contains seventeen players whose first names end with a vowel.
Who’s next?
“You’ll have to ask Zolak,” Neely said, shrugging his shoulders, “if he’s not watching Wheel of Fortune. He doesn’t like to be interrupted during that show.”
Tune into the Sports Hub with Gresh & Zo. Maybe Zolak will say he’s sorry? Probably not. Why? Oh boy, don’t get him started with Y.
