Expat Magazine

Why I'd Be a Rubbish Murderer

By Expatmum @tonihargis
Twenty years ago, like many other people, I was somewhat enthralled by the OJ Simpson murder trial. Despite a wealth of damning evidence, he got off with killing his ex-wife and her acquaintance Ron Goldman. There was blood everywhere, and in OJ's house too. He claimed not to know how he had managed to leave a trail of someone's blood all over his bedroom. He claimed not to know it was there, as I recall. (Patience, I am going somewhere with this.)
A male friend asked in disbelief "How can you leave a trail of blood like that and not know about it?"
Clearly he doesn't shave his legs.
Before I continue, let's have the shaming out in the open. Yes, I shave my legs. I don't wax, I don't defibrillate (or whatever the heck the creaming is called) and I don't do electrolysis. I get the lady shaver (with moisturizer in the blades) and do my thing. Most of the time it's without incident, but this morning......
I had a quick bath (yes, I also have baths when I don't want to get my hair wet. Yes, I could use a shower cap but I also wanted to shave my legs without falling over, cracking my head and dying from a concussion.) So, I'm in the bath, loofering and shaving. Get out, wrap a towel around (in case of wandering 11 year old who would claim mental scarring by any inadvertent sightings of lady parts) and saunter into my bedroom. Dry my face, put on moisturizer, figure out what to wear, change mind, yada, yada- and only then do I look down and see the Psycho scene at my feet.
Dear god - how can so much blood come from something I didn't even feel? It was all down my leg, all over my foot and in between my toes. All over every bit of the floor right back to the bathroom. Of course I traced it back to that of-so-familiar thin line where I obviously got a bit heavy with the lady razor. Took a while to stem the flow but a few applications of loo roll did the trick. Now on to the cleaning up.
Wiped the floor (thankfully all wood) and that seemed to be it.
And here's where, had I murdered someone, the police would have the case wrapped in less than 24 hours.
Hours later, a second trip to the bathroom revealed blood still everywhere. On exiting the bathtub I seem to have dripped down the outside, so there was blood on the tiles, in the grout and on the bathmat. I then somehow got it onto my hands without noticing, so it was also on the sink, on a towel and on the door knob. (Am I going blind or was I just so un-hurt by this wound that blood was the last thing on my mind?) It then struck me that anything I touched might have blood on it, and sure enough, my moisturizer had a classic bloody fingerprint on the outside.
I think I now have it all taken care of, but let's just say I wouldn't make the smartest criminal.

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