Alexandra Petri's latest bit of satire (in The Washington Post) pokes fun at the Republicans who believe our government is controlling the weather to punish them.
of course you know that weather control is one of government’s primary functions
we just have to find the room where it is happening and stop them. this is what i am always saying
any time things get bad
but yes there is a room i’m almost certain of it
there is a whole department of weather charged with inflicting weather on —
not even the president’s enemies, exactly, just people
it has to seem random, you see
it has to seem like the kind of thing that might just happen
or the people will find out and become incensed
even the president doesn’t know, although Donald Trump has started to suspect
when Trump moved that hurricane with a sharpie i bet they all looked up and took notice
people make a lot of mistakes about who controls the weather
they’re not political appointees, of course
the most senior one has been there since the Reagan administration. his name is Dennis (he won’t give his last name)
he keeps saying he’s going to retire, the commute is getting to him
they operate out of Abraham Lincoln’s eye (the left one) in Mount Rushmore and getting there is just impossible
the office politics are a mess, too
Dennis is all about waterspouts
Sheila has her heart set on derechos for everyone and she won’t take no
Karen on the other hand favors haboobs
(they choose them based entirely on how much fun they are to say)
most days they don’t agree on any weather at all
but when they have a big deadline coming up they stay late and order in sandwiches and you can see the eye shining late into the night
don’t tell FEMA about us, they are always saying. FEMA will be so upset that we exist, all those hours of work they put in, trying to help people
or the National Weather Service, says Karen
oh god, Sheila says, imagine the weather service finding out!
trying to track storms, trying to get good information, when all they need to do is come here and grab a sharpie
it’s a good thing for us that everyone who has been looking for a group of people controlling the weather has been so antisemitic, says Dennis. this is the last place they will think to look
that is a common mistake
if anything the office is a little too Christian for comfort
there is a bible on a shelf marked open to the flood for easy reference and sometimes for inspiration Sheila goes and flips through Revelation
but yes they move hurricanes all over the map
that’s the primary thing that they do
the second one is decide what to order for lunch
this often takes a long time
it is not that they’re indifferent to human suffering exactly but they have a quota to reach or they don’t get paid
and Sheila needs the health insurance
a few years ago they had budget cuts and it was just awful
so little weather
and once, drawing some winds on the map, they ran out of ink and a gale died down and several boats that had been about to founder on Lake Michigan were saved
it’s not really political although they are prepared to be political if given direction
there is a big chart in the office listing who voted how and if you call your congressman he can try to get them to stop the winds
so far no congressman has succeeded
only one ever even managed to call and they were so surprised they picked up
but then they just sat on the line saying nothing and finally he gave up
they’re honestly mostly good community members although Karen has been volunteering less
she says, because of Everything That’s Going On and won’t elaborate
Dennis goes online and gives without apparent irony to the gofundme’s of the victims of his storms
and then he shows up monday and gets back to moving them around
i think Donald Trump will come shut them down
if he can find them
he has to know where to look
when Donald Trump gets back in power he is ending the whole enterprise for good
or sending the worst storm that he can think of to his least favorite people
he’s still making his mind up which
of course they’re real
(as real as the button that you push for economic prosperity. big and red and in the oval office. you can’t miss it)
sometimes people talk about climate change but we know nothing we can do makes any difference, we can’t even get them to keep serving breakfast at taco bell
all the important decisions are made in rooms we aren’t in so we can’t possibly impact the weather
but the government can and they are
there’s a room somewhere
we just have to keep looking for the room
