What did you feel like when you found out you were pregnant? What did you feel like going to every doctor’s visit? Do you remember the excitement, the joy, the anticipation?….
What would your reaction have been if you went into labor MONTHS before you were supposed to – that exhilaration could very quickly turn into nausea…and not pregnancy nausea.
My friend, Christine, who writes over on her blog, Random Thoughts and Musings from the Island, experienced just this with her beautiful little daughter.
Luckily, this story has a happy ending – Christine and her little family celebrated the third year anniversary of her daughter’s homecoming from the hospital. If you want to read a bit more about how they celebrated feel free to click on any of the photos in this post.
Christine's daughter today
This guest post is about what Christine went through when things were not so positive...
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Christine's daughter three years ago.
When I was on hospital bed rest during my high risk pregnancy, people would say things like "Wow. That's depressing. Not being able to do anything. Having to be on your back for the rest of your pregnancy. Having to be dependent on others. I'd go crazy if I were in your shoes." Ummm...Thanks. If I didn't feel awful already, then that would send me over the edge.
Just kidding. I actually took the bed rest in stride. It wasn't easy, but I did know that it was necessary and it was not an option if I wanted to keep my baby inside me for as long as I could. At 21 weeks, doctors saw that my cervix was dilated already. By 24 weeks, it was determined that the baby could arrive anytime.
I was flown by air ambulance to Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, where I would spend the remainder of my pregnancy. With my husband six hours away by car and having to face the what ifs and the everything else on my own, it was hard. I remember crying because I missed my husband. I was confined to the hospital bed for what seemed like forever. I worried about what would happen if my baby decided to be born so soon. Just slightly halfway through my pregnancy, it was far too early for the baby to be born!
I worried about the baby's brain development, vision, respiratory system, hearing, digestive system...all these things weren't fully developed at that stage of pregnancy. It was a very emotionally exhausting time. Pregnancy alone can be emotional with all the hormones kicking into full gear. This coupled with the fact that my baby may or may not survive or may or may not come out healthy would have been enough to throw me into depression...according to some friends and loved ones.
I must have been in auto-pilot or fight or flight mode, because these things did affect me, but didn't consume me. I knew my job was to keep this baby inside me for as long as I could, and then do whatever it took to get her healthy and back home on the Island with us.
Holding her newborn baby's hand.
Little One catapulted herself into the world at 28 weeks and without the presence of any doctors in the room. It was a surreal experience. It all happened so quickly and then my tiny baby, who was curled up into a ball was taken out of the room and whisked away. Most moms get to hold their babies once they are born. Most moms get to take their babies home a day or two after delivery. This wasn't the case for us.
The next 70 days were spent in the NICU. I couldn't hold her until almost two weeks after she was born. I'd diligently pump breast milk every two hours and commute to the hospital from my aunt's house early every morning and then back late at night. Every day was a roller coaster. One never knew what was going to happen.
I remember someone asking me, "I bet you had postpartum depression really badly, right? I would be seriously depressed if I were you." To be honest, I don't think I even had time to feel depressed. Each day in the NICU, I was focused on my preemie. It was only until now that I can say I'm starting to feel like I need some downtime.
I'm finding toddler-hood the hardest. I sometimes feel like the worst mother in the world for feeling exhausted, drained, frustrated, upset and sometimes really angry. I keep telling myself, "She's TWO. She's just doing what two year olds do" or "Be patient with her. Don't get mad. You prayed for this baby. It took so much to get her home with you. She's a miracle. Don't get mad at her for destroying your living room or writing all over the walls."
Sometimes I feel like I'm going bonkers. With living on a farm, teaching, having a toddler, having students room and board with us on the farm, and everything else...it seems so overwhelming. I don't usually talk about the feeling of sinking or drowning, because I don't want people to think I've totally lost my mind. I feel like so much is expected of me all the time and I don't know how women all over the world manage to work full-time, have a full-time family, and a full-time social life...and not get run-down.
