You may have heard. Today England and Spain will play the final of the Euro 2024 football tournament. So what better reason to compare the two countries, not just on football, but also on their wanderlust: from history to food, coastline, music and wine?
The result, revealed below, is most certainly definitive and entirely, factually, undeniably accurate. Probably.
Could it be used as part of an appeal to the International Court of Arbitration for Sport, if today's result on the field is the "wrong" one? Let's go through the game first, shall we, and let the lawyers sort out the rest...
Beaches
It feels a little unfair to choose this specific category based solely on geography and math.
Spain, after all, has more coastline than England. Our Iberian friend has 3,575 miles of foam-stained coastline, if you count Mallorca, Ibiza and the rest of the Balearics, which we certainly should. Oh, and Tenerife, Lanzarote and their Canary Islands colleagues.
We also must because, well, they're Spanish. Even if we ignore the recent anti-tourism protests in Mallorca and Tenerife, that's a lot of space for sun and sand.
England, on the other hand, has some 2,748 miles of coastline. But including the Isle of Wight won't change the hard truth that Menorca is bigger and warmer.
Granted, there are some beautiful stretches of Anglo coastline - not just in venerated Devon and Cornwall, but also along the pretty fringes of Lincolnshire and Norfolk. But if it's a choice between a rainy "summer's day" in Cromer and a hot afternoon near Pollenca, you'll probably still take your chances with Juan, Ana and their angry placards.
Landscape
England, let it never go unmentioned, has landscapes on a grand scale and with a fair amount of drama. There is the Lake District; the expanse of Windermere glittering in the sunlight on those days when the sun deigns to come out. There is the Peak District and its pinnacle, Kinder Scout - not a term for a young man in an olive uniform who happens to be a bit friendlier than his pack mates, but the highest point in the area (2,087 ft/636 m). There are the low-lying waterways of the Norfolk Broads, the chalk hills of the South Downs and the epic wildness of Dartmoor. All glorious stuff.
Then again, Spain is pretty good when it comes to mountains. It's co-parent of the Pyrenees and has full custody of the Picos de Europa, Sierra Nevada and Sierra de Tramontana. Tenerife is a proper volcano - although you can climb it without worrying about melting the soles of your shoes (Teide last erupted in 1909).
Hmmm, tricky. OK, let's try an approach that this country hasn't used with its European neighbors for most of the last decade - and be diplomatic:
Music
Well, on the one hand you have...
The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Kinks, David Bowie, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Joy Division, Duran Duran, New Order, The Cure, The Smiths, The Stone Roses, Massive Attack , Portishead, Blur, Oasis, Pulp, Radiohead, Arctic Monkeys, Stormzy, Bananarama, All Saints, Girls Aloud. And Elgar.
On the other hand you have...
The men who wrote the Macarena. Don't worry about my boyfriend anymore. Indeed.
Art
Well, this is obviously going to be the same as the music category. Is there anything more English and artistic than The hay wagonJohn Constable's 1821 - but eternally romantic - depiction of the Suffolk countryside? Or perhaps JMW Turner's embodiment of the Lake District's somber majesty in Morning among the Coniston Fells (1798)? Add to that Damien Hirst and his diamond skulls, Tracey Emin and her provocative installations, and Banksy and his street-scape genius, and yep, England has the whole art thing going for it.
Spain, on the other hand, has almost nothing. Picasso was pretty good. Joan Miro did a few decent blobs. Salvador Dali is worth mentioning, if you must. Other than that, nobody can tell the difference between the two. Especially if you leave out Diego Velazquez and Francisco Goya and insist that whatever his contribution to the Spanish Renaissance, El Greco was actually Greek. I mean, that's literally his name. Look, the whole country is a cultural wasteland. Let's just leave it alone and move on.
Wine
The fact that excellent, supple wines are now being produced in English vineyards is solid evidence of the giant leaps this island's winemakers have made in recent years - or the terrifying global warming of the past 20 years. Or maybe just a bit of both. However, it's probably safe to say that Spain is still miles ahead when it comes to grapes - if only in the Rioja region alone, which blankets much of the country's north-eastern corner in a haze of red and purple fruit. So much so that not all Rioja comes from Rioja. Pardon? Well, yes. As avid wine lovers will know, the Rioja Alavesa sub-region, which produces many rich creationsis part of the Basque Country, rather than La Rioja. When we have to make such sharp distinctions about the wines of Kent and Surrey, we know that English wine has caught up. For now:
Food
This is really a matter of personal preference. Do you want a roast dinner on a Sunday afternoon in autumn - one where the beef is cooked to perfection, the Yorkshire puddings are crisp but not too crisp, and the whole thing comes with a horseradish sauce that has just the right amount of spiciness? Do you want fish and chips on a seafront promenade on a grey Tuesday in March, the batter so good you have to ward off the seagulls with a stick?
Or would you rather do a tapas route along the bars and cafes of a Spanish city ( appetizersif you take a gastronomic tour of San Sebastian. Which you Real (should)? How about one of those bowls with Ham and cheese ("Ham and cheese" sounds so much more tempting in Spanish) at one of those fantastic market places you can find on the Spanish map in almost every town? And a few padron peppers? Yeah, go on.
Take your pick. Just make sure you keep your pick in the right place. A tapas tour of Carlisle might not be as tasty as a similar gastro odyssey in Cadiz. Good luck getting through that giant roast dinner on a scorching Andalusian day. Location is everything.
Towns
There are many options to choose from here. Madrid is elegant and refined. You can go to the Prado, or the Reina Sofia, and see all the artists mentioned above. Seville, Granada and Cordoba all recall the Moorish era that left Andalusia with so many architectural treasures. Valencia is simply stunning, especially when Las Fallas, the festival of sculpture, fire and crazy pyrotechnics, lights up the sky in March - but also in almost any other month, because it has a beach, and Playa de la Malvarrosa is beautiful.
But then, England's cities have plenty to recommend them. Manchester, Birmingham and Bristol all have remarkable industrial heritages and have all contributed to the musical list above. You haven't lived until you've enjoyed a night out in Newcastle and survived. And London is London, a global metropolis of infinite energy and possibility.
How do you differentiate between the two countries? Well, there have been anti-tourism protests in Barcelona this week, with a few rude souls shooting water pistols at international visitors. That's got to be worth a point, no matter how amazing the Sagrada Familia looks (Have you finished reading it yet? No? Right. Carry on). There's no way you'd see that sort of behaviour in London. Not with the latest water price hikes, anyway...
Football
It doesn't matter what happens on the pitch tonight. And it doesn't matter which of the two countries has won the most trophies (err, that would be Spain). It's all about the stadium. If you're going to spend a valuable morning or afternoon of a three-day city break wandering around a football pitch where nobody plays football (which may make your partner wonder again about how your relationship will continue), then you need to make sure there are plenty of shiny things to see on the football field.
Which probably means: a) Camp Nou in Barcelona. A cathedral of the game that will hold over 100,000 souls once the final improvements are complete. Has lots of pictures of Lionel Messi scoring all the goals. He played here. He was good.
Or b), the Santiago Bernabeu in Madrid. Home to reigning European champions Real Madrid - although they seem to be European champions every other year, so this is nothing special. Still, you can look at the trophy. Lots of pictures of Cristiano Ronaldo scoring all the goals. He played here. He was good. He said this once or twice.
Or c), Wembley Stadium. A bit of a trudge on the Jubilee Line, if it's open that day. You won't find much club memorabilia, this being the national stadium - although you might find a few bits about England winning the World Cup here 809 years ago.
Final score: England 32 - 34 Spain
And if that is the final score on Sunday night (Harry Kane scores 27, and still (is criticized), then eventually there will be a kind of betting investigation where a few guesses about the date of a general election look like a child's game.
