What If Modern Man Interfered With The Boston Tea Party…

Let’s travel back in time for just a second…

And we are going to take a modern day 2015 man with us, with his iPhone 6, his Old Navy apparel, and his forward-thinking ways.

source: io9.com

1773 Sons of Liberty: Thank you all for coming to this meeting to discuss our displeasure in receiving another tax on our tea. Once again we had no say in English Parliament, it was just forced upon us by the King himself. We need a call to action to protest this, now!

Modern Man: Um, excuse me…I have a quick question…

1773 Sons of Liberty: Yes…you with the weird looking glowing device that you have been touching since you entered the room.

Modern Man: Sorry. It’s a iPhone. iPhone 6.

1773 Sons of Liberty: I do not know what an I phone is and I only see one, not six. Good sir, you should try lifting you head from it at some point. Your shoulders are all droopy.

Modern Man: Um, sure. Anywho, don’t you think you should rename your group?

1773 Sons of Liberty: Whatever do you mean?

Modern Man: I mean…don’t you think the ‘Sons of Liberty’ is a little gender bias? Not everyone present here tonight is technically a ‘Son’. There are women here too. They can’t be ‘Sons’ of Liberty. You are discriminating against half the attendees here. You should really think about titling your group to be something more gender neutral.

1773 Sons of Liberty: Gender neutral?!

Modern Man: Yes, we don’t want to alienate anyone based on their gender…let’s see…why don’t you call yourselves the 1773 Intersexs of Liberty?

1773 Sons of Liberty: We are not sure what that means, or what that has to do with being unfairly taxed on tea, but if it gets you to shuth thy mouth….sure.

Modern Man: Yes, please. It’s just a more pleasing representation of the people in this room.

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: Moving on. Speaking of representation, I say we don’t take anymore crap from the Brits…

Modern Man: Um…I’m sorry. Can you not call them Brits please. That’s really offensive term here in 1773.

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: But they are Brits! They are British! What would you have us call them?

Modern Man: Please refer to them as Neutral Hued Mid-European Homospaiens.

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: If I do…may I please continue….without interruption?!

Modern Man: Yes. I will just correct you as needed. But please proceed.

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: I have a plan to push back against the Neutral Hued Mid-European Homospaiens and show them that they can not continue to tax us without a fair say in Parliament! When the next shipment of tea arrives from the East India Tea Company…

Modern Man: Gerontogeous South Asian Bharatian Camellia Sinensis Company…

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: When the next shipment of tea arrives from the Gerontogeous South Asian Bharatian Camellia Sinensis Company…I say we dress up like Indians…

Modern Man: Unfairly Displaced Native American Homospaiens….

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: I say we dress up like Unfairly Displaced Native American Homospaiens and dump all the tea into the Boston Harbor! Who is with me?!

Modern Man: Um…serveral problems there….One…you can’t dress like Unfairly Displaced Native American Homospaiens, not even on Halloween. That’s just insensitive. You must never acknowledge, comment on, study, talk about, read about, google search, or enjoy anyone else’s culture…except for their food…that is the only thing allowed. Next, if you dump all the Neutral Hued European Homospaiens tea into the harbor, not only do you risk the potential of giving all the fish and whales in the ocean kidney stones, you may also be sued by the Gerontogeous South Asian Bharatian Camellia Sinensis Company. That could run through the court system for 10 years or more. Think about the cost of all the lawyers, judges, magistrates, court reporters, news coverage, and/or miltia…thus causing a bigger economical strain on the poor colonies than any tea tax ever would. I vote we send a strongly worded, yet neutral toned, 150 or less character email instead.

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: What?

Modern Man: We send this non-confrontational email, and then we should go over to the tea shop and complain about the tea tax in hushed tones, so that no one over hears us and gets offended.

1773 Intersexs of Liberty: What?! How will that solve anything?

Modern Man: Well it won’t, but it will make you feel better on the inside.

1773 Sons of Liberty: Someone hang that man!

Moral of the story:

That is why soccer isn’t that popular in America today.

Modern Man: (Technically it is called football….but you should now call it Everyone Is A Winner Game of Artificially Fair Waged Made Organic Foot Sphere.)