Humor Magazine

Utterly Unimportant Online Reviews

By Lostnchina @SueZ444

You know we live in a time that’s dangerously close to the Hello Kitty Apocalypse when random nobodies (ie. Me) can go online and spew effusive, angry, and grammatically-incorrect opinions about things we know little about.   Regardless if it was that sticky deep-fried excuse for a General Tsao’s Chicken I ordered in an Ethiopian restaurant, or the sales clerk whose too-close-set eyes and habit of breathing through her mouth made me spend over $200.00 for a top that barely covers my left nipple, we must let everyone we don’t know know about our experiences.

Through these online reviews, I have revealed, “sugaring’s the process of taking a sticky object, like saltwater taffy, and applying it to body hairs in your sensitive unu areas”, let it be known that my dating life has been less than stellar: “Upon entering the shop …I knew the  place was serious about meat.  Roast duck and chicken flogged, then hung out to dry underneath heat lamps, like my ex-boyfriends should have been”.  And repeatedly drove home the fact that I am a failed Chinese: “Without Ari my …wedding reception/mega-family reunion would have just been another dull Chinese get together where my parents get to compare their lackluster offspring to other Chinese parents’ brilliant offspring, who have found the cure for cancer, or delivered quintuplets while flying a Boeing 777 across the Pacific with one engine.

In an age where “the Customer is King and “the value of a dollar ain’t what it used to be”, we prefer letting complete strangers assist in our buying decisions.  Whether it’s a sub-zero refrigerator, Chinese or Japanese, or a value-pack of grandma-style underwear, we must know what experiences others have suffered, so that we could benefit from their massive wedgies or food poisoning.  We even goad our fellow consumers to sound off by ranking the top reviewers (Amazon), or giving special accolades to frequent reviewers who have reached milestones (Elite status – Yelp).

So, from a compilation of Yelp and Amazon, here are the best of the worst reviews of products you should never hope to buy and places where you would never want to go.

$$ Women’s Clothing

Shop A&B on G/F and 1/F., Southgate Commercial Centre, 29 Granville Road.  Tsim Sha Tsui, Kowloon, Hong Kong

Plastic bags are not all about garbage anymore.
Plastic garbage bags are not all about garbage anymore.

If dressing like you’re one of the 25 proverbial clowns that steps out of a VW Sirocco in some comedy skit that only members of a former communist bloc country might find amusing, then you’ll find clothing here to suit you: designer-inspired wear in patterns, such as free-floating eyeballs to match your anxiety, a pair of white jeans with a massive panda bear pattern that accentuates your fat ass, a Picasso-esque print top and tights to match.  You, unfortunately, get the picture.

However, if you love designer duds, but don’t have the budget to match, Monki is perfect for you.  There are racks of clothes marked HKD100 or less.  Regularly priced clothing also appears to be under HKD200.  The only issue, which avid shoppers at Monki won’t find an issue – the quality of the clothes.

Made from materials that is something between a stuffed bear, that crinkly stuff you wrap cheap chocolates in and belly button lint, the quality and cut of the clothes leave much to be desired.  Yes, that jacket resembles a Jean Paul Gaultier, or other, but do you really want to look like you’re being attacked by a bear with a severe case of eczema?

I was tempted to try on the HKD100 pair panda bear jeans for the hell of it – a habit hearkening back to my college days when clothing was optional, especially when it spelled the word “OPTIONAL” in sequins.  However, looking like an idiot at the age of 20 versus looking like one decades later is the difference between “cute” and “get a life, buddy”.  And that’s exactly what I did.  I put the panda jeans down and walked out of the store, so I could get a life.

PS: Sizes also run a bit smaller, geared, of course, towards the younger crowd.

Need Coffee? So Do I:  The KRUPS GVX212 Coffee Grinder with Grind Size and Cup Selection and Stainless Steel Conical Burr Grinder, Black (Kitchen)

Krups Coffee Grinder
Want this?

Imagine getting up early in the morning, groggy, not wanting to be up. Maybe your children are hanging off of your every available limb, clamoring for attention. Maybe you’re out of cereal and milk, or you forgot to take out the garbage the night before and must chase after the garbage truck, hair in curlers, wearing your I LOVE HELLO KITTY fleece robe and BIG FOOT slippers. “Oh well”, you say to comfort yourself, “…at least there’s coffee!”

Not with the KRUPS coffee grinder there’s not.

My love for coffee can only be matched by my hatred for this abysmal piece of kitchen equipment. Having your coffee ground with an automatic coffee grinder should be a no brainer, and the good people at KRUPS found just that person to design this abomination.

First, the plastic container that collects the ground coffee has a cover, however, once you remove the container, grounds abound all over your counter. The grounds cling to the plastic container like leeches. I put a white paper towel underneath the grinder and must change it at least every week, because of all the coffee grounds it collects. These are grounds that belong in your coffee maker and not on a paper towel.

Second, the unit turns ON only when the lid is correctly fitted and pressed down onto the unit. Unfortunately, if an errant piece of a coffee bean, or too many GROUNDS collected in the area that the lid is supposed to go, the unit will not engage. This means that you must empty out the coffee grinder, clean up the area, then put everything back inside, hoping it will work the fifteenth time.

I’d purchased this unit at Costco when they had it a while back and I see it’s being offered on Amazon for the same price. I recommend saving your money and purchasing something less stressful and time consuming to grind your coffee, like a mortar and pestle. I’d also recommend to Amazon, that when they have the PEOPLE WHO PURCHASED THIS KRUPS GVX212 COFFEE GRINDER ALSO PURCHASED … suggest complementary items, such as Valium, anti-anxiety medication, or a sledgehammer.

...then get this.
…then get this.

Arizona Renaissance Festival

12601 E Hwy 60.  Gold Canyon, AZ 85118.  USA.

Utterly Unimportant Online Reviews

You’ll find someone sporting pair of leather boots curled up at the toes a la tradition of Peter Pan, another lady in floral flip flops with sequined pink nail polish, yet another in Adidas running shoes, and finally a blue toe-nailed abomination (me).  Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the feet featured in the women’s toilet stalls of the 2014 Arizona Renaissance Fair, where anything goes, including some of your clothing.

Attending a Renaissance Fair has been on my bucket list since the days of yore.  As the years progressed the yorish yearning became more of a need to see people out of touch with reality who liked to wear things that geographically-altered the position of their breasts.  Seeing two round globes where someone’s neck should be is a sight to behold, and one everyone should witness at least once in her lifetime.

The AZ Renaissance Fair is huge and goes on for a month and a half every weekend from February to March of each year in the town of Apache Junction, AZ.  The “fair” is actually a Disneyland suitable for adults and kids alike.  For $22 – $20, if tickets purchased in advance at Fry’s.  Over 60 years old $3 off – there are continuous comedy and musical performances at various stages.  Not all entertainment is kiddie-friendly .  A ventriloquist told raunchy jokes and made suggestive comments, while a bagpipe group, the Tartanics kept talking about some striptease show later on, insinuating that something besides bagpipes might be hidden underneath those kilts.

A quick glance at Wiki shows that the “Renaissance period” is from the 14th to 17th Centuries where art and culture experienced a revival that spread throughout Europe.  A long hard look at the folks at the Renaissance Festival reveals that many are not clear about what constitutes the “Renaissance period” – shops selling postcards of the Grand Canyon, women wearing Viking-type bustier, a Johnny-Depp lookalike pirate, two teenagers dressed like Napoleon Dynamite (from the movie of the 21st Century, not from the Napoleonic Wars of the 1800s), Goths wearing chain mail, a family dressed like Robin Hood and a merry band of somethings, another girl dolled out in a Tinkerbell outfit – it’s clear that anything goes here and often does.

Despite being a massive commercial endeavor, the Fair does a great job of keeping prices low.  Parking is free and very well organized.  Grog in the form of sodas, Seabreezes, Margaritas – are plentiful, as well as sausage on a stick, baked goods, Greek/Mediterranean food, and Turkey legs as large as a baby’s head.  The food was also reasonably-priced and tasty – our Gyro, which was generously seasoned and came with a lot of fresh veggies, was $6.00.

Most impressive were the employees of the fair, who constantly kept the space clean and people from “getting out of line”.  A mobile “First Aid” guy with a flag was walking throughout the Fair, while another reminded people not to smoke in certain areas.  Even while on their lunch breaks, the Queen and her crew were in costume and in character, eating their Gyro platter and sausage on a stick  from silver plates and  wooden bowls.  A fun stop if you’re in the area and have a stomach for heavy meat dishes and a touch of insanity.

Utterly Unimportant Online Reviews
Pretzels on a stick

The Dollar Tree
$  Shopping

4614 W State St.  Boise, ID 83717.  USA

I’m a sucker for a sign that advertises $1 STEAKS!!! which is how we ended up at this particular Dollar Tree.  Inquiring minds wanted to know whether the steaks were made up of cow meat, or non-organic, highly-processed, mammal meat – or cardboard.

The meat claims, it turned out, were as false as Dolly Parton’s boobs, as there were no steaks left, but an entire freezer full of processed foods that would make any oxygen tank-ridden shopper come down with asthmatic convulsions.  (Two people in the store were hooked up to oxygen tanks.)  There were also bags of what were labeled as frozen CHICKEN THIGHS, but more closely resembled my wrinkled, sagging excuse for an ass in about 10 years.

I’ve only ever shopped at Dollar Stores for holiday decorations and candle holders, but was floored that this one was well-stocked with everything from household items to stationery.  So what, if there are powdered donuts lurking at every corner?  High fructose have a right to an audience, too.  And yes, one can never have too many doilies.

The fun doesn’t even stop at the check-out counter, where things were moving more slowly than the collective molasses that was injected into the items sold at this Dollar Tree.  But one can’t expect a cashier ringing up over a dozen curly straws and a baby Jesus to not make conversation with the customer who’s buying them.  And it’s also OK when the shopper realizes she’d wanted a dozen baby Jesuses and one curly straw, so the cashier has to void the entire purchase and start all over again.

Dollar Tree, I love you, but next time I’m going in with my oxygen tank, too.

Russian Fort Elizabeth State Historical Park

Kaumuali’i Hwy.  Waimea, HI.  USA

Many a time have I pondered the question of where to dump the turgid body of my future mother-in-law.  The area must already be littered with crap, like a rusted out hubcap or industrial waste from a plant several miles up.  Some stray pieces of toilet paper, empty soda bottles, or parts from a burnt out car also set the scene very well.  There’s no point in throwing the body out into the angry murky ocean, which washes everything back onto the shore of dirty black rocks.  Best to stick Mother-May-I underneath some diapers and hope she’ll blend in with the garbage.

If you’ve had enough of the island’s lush, fertile greenery, or can’t stand another moment with your parent/in-law/spouse/child, take them on a trip down to the Russian Fort Elizabeth State Historical Park.  BYOS (Bring Your Own Shovel).

$$$ Health Food

UG088, UG, Metro City Phase II, 8 Yan King Road.  欣景路8號新都城二期UG, UG088.  Hong Kong


If you’re reading this review in English and consider yourself “Westernized” in the biblical sense, you will find that you have absolutely no use for this store, except maybe as something to gawk at.  But if you or your Chinese relative is heavily into Chinese health foods, you can’t beat 樓上 (Upstairs), for this is a veritable smorgasbord of all things that will beef up your sagging chi, make you give birth to strong, virulent children who will run you ragged, leave your skin softer than a baby’s, ensure that you will never need dentures or teeth implants, while emptying your wallet at a rate faster than a leaky Chinese toilet.

Dried sea cucumbers, dried scallops, caterpillar-like looking grass, bird’s nest…and even bottles of Camus and XO brandy to wash it all down. This is the mecca for die-hard folks seeking the vial of eternal youth in an objects that looks like tiny, dried-up penises.  A box of dried up penile objects (sea cucumbers) is over HKD685, discounted with a VIP card (Very Impotent Penis).  There is a slew of these stores all over HK and they are usually popular with the tourist set.  Oh plueeezz… shot glasses and magnets from HK are now so passé as souvenirs, why not give your loved ones a gift of something that looks like road kill?

There is plenty of staff, but they appear more salesman-y than helpful.  Each selection is clearly labeled with the price, and since this is a well-known chain store, you can rest assured that the penis looking thing you’re buying is legit (and possibly, too legit to quit).

If you think you’ve seen everything about HK, visit one of these stores.  Then, you would have seen everything.

NZ deer tail

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog